I Was Terrified of Confession

I was asked recently, “why do you believe in confessing your sins to another man” ? Surprisingly enough, this was from a fellow Catholic. Now It is sooo easy to rattle off the usual apologetic answers of mine. Such as,(John 20:21-23):

“Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained.”

I could have also mentioned that like confession, the proper form of how to baptize is mentioned only once in the Bible (Matt. 28:19) which is the same amount of times that Jesus mentioned confession and forgiveness of sins, yet baptism is universally accepted by all Christians. Now I could have mentioned many, many more examples of offerings given to priests and prayers in the Old Testament for forgiveness, but … I remembered that I was responding to a fellow Catholic. My reason actually deals more with the emotion and the feeling I have when I leave that confessional.

Since I can remember, the confessional was a terrifying experience. There I told my deepest most disturbing thoughts and acts; and let’s face it, we all have some sins that we think even a priest is going to kick us out of that booth for. I would line up in line and while praying for strength, I would imagine the priest yelling out loud, “You did what!!!” I was always prepared to run out of the church with a coat or my hands over my face like a celebrity scurrying past the paparazzi after leaving a police station; just hoping that no one would recognize me. Head down in shame. Of course, that never happened but it didn’t make it any easier. The one thing I remembered though was the weight being lifted. It sounds cliché but I always felt 100 pounds lighter; like I could always walk a little easier. Eventually when I wandered away from the Church it was by far the easiest part to leave behind.

Now fast forward 18 years. God had brought me back. I’m sitting in my room. My annulment has been finalized and I’m going to finally be able to take communion. I will be married to my fiancé in a few weeks but I know what has to come first. That feeling. That terrified feeling. 18 years of doing whatever I wanted, shaking my fist at a loving God and telling Him I won’t listen. And now…I have to admit it all. I was sitting in my room, pieces of paper in hand, trying to recount all that I had done. By the time I was finished, I was broken. Tired and broken and sad for what I had done, what I had put my parents and grandparents through, but most of all, how I must have broken God’s heart. Suddenly I was frightened. Frightened to have the weight on me again. Not 100 pounds this time but 1000! 10,000! Now I wasn’t scared of Confession anymore, I was scared of my sins and the obvious punishment I deserved. I went to bed that night with 3 pages in my hand. The next afternoon could not come fast enough. I wanted that weight gone.

I confessed the next day and cried like a baby. I couldn’t understand how Monsignor wasn’t even making a face or grimacing or anything. I poured out every detail I had written down and he hardly blinked an eye. “Wow” I thought, “He must be in shock”. I realize now after many more trips to the confessional, just how naive I was back then. He wasn’t there to judge. He was there to listen. He was there to see my outward sign of repentance and if I was truly sorry, to grant me the grace that God gives through me admitting my sins. I can never explain in words how I felt when he granted me God’s pardon. I had a do-over. How many people in this world can say that? That after all I had done, God had drawn me back to Him slowly and patiently until I was ready; ready to be sorry for what I had done and then to give ME a do-over. There was no way I was going to feel that weight again. I was ready to change my life and try my hardest not to repeat the same sins again. And if I messed up from time to time? Well the mercy of God was there in that confessional. I can always return. All I have to do is come to terms with my sin and simply ask for His forgiveness. When I think of it that way, it is easy to humble myself in front of God’s representative and mean it with all my heart. Just tell it all and except God’s forgiveness.

And that is why I am not terrified anymore. That is why I believe in the Sacrament of Confession.