Confession: I have had an issue with Mother Mary

I have had an issue with Mother Mary….  Ok, I said it. I finally admitted it and hey, isn’t that the first step to recovery?

I am a cradle Catholic who walked away from the Church for 18 years. When I came back, through God’s amazing grace, I dove in head first with a fervency and undeniable faith. This is God’s one true Church and everything that I was relearning was absolute truth! The Spirit was inside of me and was showing me the remarkable truths which I so carelessly forgot or never cared to learn in the first place. Oh and I yearned for the Eucharist after returning. I had to go through the annulment process and for 2 years, I ached to have my sins fully forgiven. I longed to be able to walk down the aisle and receive the Body and Blood of our Savior again. During this wait, I studied, read and listened to every CD, book and Sermon I could get my hands on. My father and mother were instrumental in this process and through their tireless efforts and prayers, they had given me the spark to which God then lit into a fire in my soul. I was back! Back to the Church where I belong and nothing was ever going to lead me astray. Nothing would make me doubt my faith again. Then I found Mary.

Raised Catholic, but attending a Protestant Christian high school, I learned to defend my faith. When asked by my Bible teacher sarcastically one time, “Why does your Bible have more books than ours?” I quickly replied, “I don’t know, why did you guys take all the chapters out that you didn’t like?” (I sat the rest of that class in the hallway) When I was young, I loved to defend my faith, but I also loved the convenience of their “once saved, always saved” doctrine. In time and in my twenties, I was all about convenience. Going to Church every holiday and having no guilt for my sins was the way to go. Fast forward nearly 20 years to God’s glorious intervention in my life. As my protestant friends would call it, “He took me to the woodshed and put me on my knees”. Since that moment and now for seven blessed years, I have been speeding down the Catholic highway. Absorbing and relearning my faith. But suddenly and recently, I hit a beautiful and confusing speed bump, Mother Mary, our most gracious advocate; our Blessed Mother who has made shown herself so many times to this world; our Redeemer’s Mother whom He gave to us before His dying breaths; the Mary in my numerous “Hail Mary’s” after confession. So why do I stop and pause before I speak to her? Why do I hesitate to ask her for help? What exactly is my issue? …….two letters: VS.

It has always been for me, everything VS Jesus. My protestant schooling was always teaching me that it was the world VS Jesus. Hate VS Jesus; Evil VS Jesus. You were either “all Jesus / all the time” or you were a sinner. Jesus is the one mediator. To proclaim the need for another is blasphemy right? Well I have never been so wrong. How do I know? Because I have been learning that there is no Jesus VS his own mother. There is only Jesus + his mother. Jesus is not sitting around jealous of his own mother! Loving Mary doesn’t mean I love Jesus less. If Jesus wants to touch the world he can send His mother out into it. The Bible tells us to test spirits and teachings. Make sure they profess that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and so far in my search for knowledge, I have always found that Mary is constantly pointing us to her Son the Savior.

I know this!  I feel this!

I pray every day for this to be engrained into my heart. Am I where I need to be on this? NO. Do I still hesitate when I ask her for her prayers? Do I pause when I speak to her?  Do I wonder if I am giving her too much of my attention? Sadly yes. But is God working it out in me?  But I am moving in the right direction. Yes!

I recently gave a speech for Birthright at a local church and it was standing room only. I was scared and wanted to move the crowd in speech. I wanted them to give their time and resources to help us out. I needed a fantastic, articulate, uplifting performance to come out of me. As I walked to the podium, I noticed I would be standing in front of a beautiful statue of the Blessed Mother. I took a second to myself to ask for God’s help. I asked Jesus for His help. What I got was an overwhelming feeling that Mary was putting her hand on my shoulder saying, “Can I help?” All of a sudden, I knew I was going to be ok. I confidently delivered a moving speech. The entire time, I felt as though Her hand was on my shoulder.

I know she’s there praying for me. I know Jesus gave her to us and I’m gaining confidence in that fact each day. After my prayers this morning, I asked God to give me swift and immediate knowledge and wisdom when it came to Mary. His answer?  First thought God gave to me?  “Have patience and let me teach you”. So I will be back to my Scott Hahn book today on the Blessed Mother. I will be saying my Rosary and asking for greater faith.  I will be reading and praying until I can defend all of my faith again. This time with no hesitations.