I have post partum depression. And that's ok.

Three days ago I was diagnosed with post partum depression (PPD). I was prescribed medication because PPD is an actual medical diagnosis that requires treatment. Part of that treatment includes getting counseling. What I was completely unaware of, was just how long depression and anxiety were controlling my life, my words, and my actions.

This is our fourth baby. Looking back on the post partum period from all of our babies, I realize I became steadily worse. Now, I was recently introduced to the term "peri partum" which basically means any time you're trying to get pregnant, during pregnancy, and the post natal period. Well I have been "peri partum" now for 7 years. Which means a lot for what my mental state was.

This will probably shock a lot of people I know, but there were times I couldn't leave our house because I was convinced our animals would die. I have lashed out in anxiousness and sadness and emptiness at my family and sometimes unwitting strangers online. I took most of this out on the most important people in my life.

And I was too proud to get help.

Anyone who is having a baby (or their third or fifth or eighth!), please check in with yourself and your loved ones. "Have you noticed a change in me? Am I quicker to be flustered or angry? Do I still seem to enjoy what I've always enjoyed in life (such as spending time in prayer, reading, singing, dancing, going for a walk or even just joking around)? Am I still me?" I can honestly say, my answers for a very long time now, were yes, yes, no, and no. I was the one saying to myself "yeah but you aren't 'sad' all the time so you can't be depressed! This is just who you are now!" And, looking back on how I was, that was not me. There was a huge change in me. I didn't enjoy doing things I have always enjoyed doing. My heart wasn't in my prayer. I hadn't picked up a non-children's book in ages and it had nothing to do with not having the time to do it. The last actual date my husband and I had, I ruined it because he had a whole night away planned, baseball, dinner and a very nice hotel stay! My anxiety told me my children would get hurt or people would think we were bad parents if we stayed away from them for the night. Which, is of course, ridiculous. Couldn't tell me that at the time. I was not me. I was anxiety and depression. Mostly ruled by the "but what will people think of you???" And the "someone/something will happen if you....." Like the times I couldn't take my kids out for play dates because I was convinced if we left the house all of our animals would die. What was worse, I just knew, if I told anyone about my fears, they would come true anyway. Our last pregnancy, I was afraid to move too much or too little. I was in pain, literally, all the time. I thought, oh it's just from being so big this time. I didn't realize depression has physical manifestations too. Stomach trouble, aches, muscle soreness and headaches just to name a few that I had.

It was as if I was down in a deep cavern, and as I walked down the cavern it got muddier. I'd help someone else and say "Look! There's a rope! Go climb out! You got this, you can totally get through this!" And I'd walk on into the mud. "Oh no sweetie you just don't sound like yourself. I'd talk to your doctor. Don't you have an appointment soon? Write down what you want to talk about! I know I forget stuff all the time!" And I'd walk on.

Eventually, I was in a tunnel under the cavern with my fingers in my ears to drown out the world and had pushed everyone into boxes and put them up in a field somewhere, so that they couldn't see me in the tunnel.

Then, on June 19, God Himself dug me out of the tunnel, and put me on the side of a hill. June 19, I woke up. I finally saw what I had been doing. I finally saw how I had been treating my loved ones and how I had been putting on mask, after mask, after mask to make people believe I was fine. That I had it all together. I didn't. Many people reading this right now will be shocked. That was the whole point. They weren't supposed to know.

Thank God, I am singing again for no reason. I am reading books again. I am laughing at ridiculous jokes again (cause come on they're FUNNY!). I am slowly remembering that anxiety and depression are not ME, but some days are much harder than others. The old loop of anxiety starts up and just like riding a bike, that spiral down is so easy to follow. It's not long, I'm convinced once again, that I'm the worse wife and mother in the whole of the world, and if people knew how terrible I was at this life I've chosen,they would take my children and lock me away. And I lash out to those who I hold the closest.

It's going to take some time for me to relearn how to be myself. How to stop that spiral down. I'm basically going to have to retrain my brain to be normal. It took a while for it to get here, but with medication, and having found a great counselor (on Facebook none the less!), and having an amazing prayer life again, I have faith and confidence God will continue this healing in my life. I have faith that the healing will spread to those I have hurt, while I was hurting. Nothing in life worth doing is easy. But this healing is completely worth it.

Mary, Our Mother, Pray for us.