Not my will, but Yours

If you would have told me even just one year ago that my life would beas it was today, I wouldn’t have believed it. For even up until today, in some ways, I’m still more focused on my own plan and my own will than God’s.

In my 25.5 years I’ve set many different paths for myself, from careers to living situations to life partners. Those paths haven’t always come out to be what I thought they would be. In fact, they rarely have. As an impatient person who could always have more faith (couldn’t we all?), this has been difficult for me.

I experienced a difficult time during the end of last year into this new year. I had a lot of confusion and conflicting signs in my life. One day, I was sure that God wanted me to make a certain decision, and then the next day I was sure that God wanted me to do the opposite. Finally, months later, I realized that God was saying I was meant to take life a day at a time and trust in Him that the right answer would come to me, not in my time, but in His. It was simultaneously one of the most difficult and freeing realizations I’ve ever had.

This is not to say that each day forward is always easier. Some days are, but some days I also need to remind myself that God is in control, with His plans and His will. It doesn’t mean my life is settled either, far from it. Again though, I have a sense of freedom in trusting in God.

I have made some mistakes in my life, which I’m not putting on God. There’s an aspect of free will too, of course. Even mistakes, whether they are blessings in disguise or a sign of what not to do again, have turned out to be learning experiences and a way for God to teach me something. God does not make mistakes, but I’ve realized, on my own and through the help of others, that He allows us to make them. We learn from them to know what to do or not to do next time, but also as an opportunity to turn to Him.

When it comes to the different paths I’ve charted for myself, I’m still coming to terms about the ones which have not come to be, for better or worse. I’m still young though, after all, and I figure I have time, especially with help from the Lord. If there’s one thing that we all ought to remind ourselves of, it’s that none of us have to go through life alone. We have God in the difficult times to help us through, and we have Him in the joyous times to give thanks to for such a blessing and to celebrate with.

Sometimes it’s still hard that careers, living situations, and relationships didn’t turn out as I wanted. I focus on the disappointment of it rather than how it didn’t work out because it wasn’t meant to. I’m only human, after all. I have my faith though and because of that, I can say that each day is a new learning experience and a new way of making progress.