Families...Sometimes Plates Can Fly!

Pope Francis’s visit has been big news recently. And perhaps even bigger news in my house, where my oldest daughter was fortunate enough to be selected to attend one of the Holy Father’s services with a youth group!

Well, maybe I should remove that exclamation mark. As with many things involving teens…it was complicated. Her name had been entered in a drawing at the last minute, and her reaction to being chosen was less than enthusiastic.

“It will be crowded, it will be loud, I won’t go, you can’t make me!”

I tried convincing her that this was a once in a lifetime opportunity. When that failed, I tried a little mom guilt–which backfired as she informed me in response that she doesn’t love me. Finally, Dad told her she would be going. Period. There were lots of tears, much tantrumming, lots of “I’m an adult, I don’t need you!” (well, except for paying phone bills, providing food and shelter, footing the college bills….)

By the way, there’s almost no one who would believe this of her. She’s an exceptional student, has a job, is involved in many activities through school and church, and we’re told all the time how mature she is.

I read once that it helps when raising teens to think of them as large, more articulate toddlers. Which makes sense, as teens are trying to achieve the same emotional goals as toddlers–to gain some independence, to see what they can do on their own, to push parents away while making sure they can still run back when they need to. And like toddlers, sometimes they hold it together when they’re with other people only to fall apart at home.

So when I read Pope Francis’s impromptu remarks on the family in Philadelphia, it was comforting to hear that he understands. It isn’t always joy. “The Pope then joked: ‘Sometimes people tell me ‘Father, you speak like that because you are not married.’ Families have difficulties…families, we quarrel. And sometimes plates can fly. Children bring headaches…”

Thank you, Pope Francis, for saying that. I read about big Catholic families and they all seem so happy and wholesome. Many of them even seem hugely financially successful, living in giant homes with new cars (or vans, or buses…) Everyone happily attends church in clean outfits with perfect hair and gets there on time. Everyone sits solemnly for nightly rosary, without poking at their siblings or giggling. Certainly their family members don’t struggle with mental illness or rebelliousness or questioning the faith. The picture is that if you trust God and are open to His will in having a large family, He will bless you in ways other families could never imagine.

And sometimes He does. But other times He is silent. Sometimes you’re crushed by postpartum depression and have $5 in the bank and the car blows a head gasket, and you go into your room and cry out to Him–and nothing happens. So you just have to get yourself together and try to figure out what to make for dinner. Sometimes you look at what your household income is and realize that if you hadn’t stayed home with children for over a decade, you’d have the same kind of life as your friends, with a beautiful home and new cars and trips to Europe. And though you feel shallow and selfish for wanting those things, you still do. Sometimes you worry that you’re doing a disservice to your children, when your youngest tells you that her friend (an only child) informed her, “I can have more toys than you because you have to share with all your sisters, but my parents just have me.” Sometimes you worry that others see you as a backwards, ignorant fool for having more than two children. Sometimes–a lot of times–you see how your teens are acting and you wonder what you missed, what you did wrong, and why God gave them to you if you only were going to mess things up.

“In families there are always difficulties, but those difficulties are overcome by love,”

So our oldest went, and the trip ended up not going according to plan. The group she was with waited in line for hours and missed all the pre-Mass entertainment. I was sure we were going to face a storm of "I told you so" when she got back.

But she didn’t hate it. She didn't even complain. She said that it was cool to be able to see the Pope, and that she could tell he was a truly holy man.

Sometimes plates can fly...but there's still room for joy.