Watching My Sister-in-law Die

I’m currently reading a book entitled The Body Keeps the Score (Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma). I bought the book to help me understand the trauma my nephew endured during the time his mother was diagnosed and died of cancer. 

My nephew’s mother whose name is Mendy was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer at the age of 53. In 2017, she went to the emergency department with acute abdominal pain. She left the ED that night with a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. My nephew was present with her that evening to witness the radiology technologist ask his mother if she was an alcoholic. 

 
“I don’t drink,” answered Mendy. The radiology technologist pursued, “are you a recovered alcoholic?” “No,” my sister-in-law answered, “Why are you asking me these questions?”

A few weeks later, Mendy had exploratory surgery. The surgeons opened her up, saw the extent of the cancer and closed her right away. My brother Mark, Mendy’s husband, was told the cancer was terminal and there was nothing they could do. The tumor was located on the hepatic artery and it was inoperable.

My brother is an engineer and he saw Mendy’s cancer as a project he could manage. He appointed himself as Project Manager. His relentless pursuit of clinical trials added three years to Mendy’s life. During that time, however, Mendy had no quality of life. My brother treated his wife as if she were an experiment and he went to great lengths to tell cancer to go to hell. This became a full on war in which my brother was fighting a battle by himself. 

For the next three years, my sister-in-law made the 7-hour trip from Little Rock to Houston over 50 times. Mark booked every appointment, talked to every doctor and managed the patient portal; Mendy just had to show up. She often confided in me, “I just get in the car when Mark tells me it’s time to go.” 

They had appointments in Houston, Dallas, Baltimore and Cleveland to pursue 3 and 4 different doctors’ opinions. Mark was not going to take “no” for an answer. 

Initially, I saw my brother’s actions as chivalrous, but then I came to see his manipulation and selfishness. Travel became difficult for Mendy as the cancer progressed. There became a cycle of her being deathly sick, feeling better and then becoming deathly sick again. She lost over 50 pounds. 

Mendy tried to maintain her normal life playing Bunco, seeing friends and going to church activities all in between the travel and treatments. Her older sister Carolyn was diagnosed with breast cancer during this time and Mendy was unable to help out due to her own immunities. This was so disheartening for her. 

When Covid-19 reared its ugly head in March 2019, Mendy said, “no more”. She had spent two years in clinical trails undergoing many different forms of chemo treatments and she was exhausted. She just wanted to go home and die in peace. 

Mark was livid at his wife’s decision and he kept calling doctors and scheduled Mendy for surgery in Dallas. He had come to the point of no longer respecting and honoring his wife’s wishes for her own body.  “Her” cancer was “his” fight and she wasn’t allowed to give up.

Mendy finally said “no more" in May 2020 against my brother’s wishes. To secretly “punish” her, he went and sold her Jeep without telling her. He came home and said,  "if you’re not going to pursue treatment and any more travel, I’m not going to make a car payment."

On the night of July 9, 2020, Mark and Chris found Mendy unconscious lying in a pool of blood in her bathroom. She never regained consciousness and she died July 13 at 3 am.