Forgiving the Unforgivable

How do we forgive someone who has wronged us? How do we avoid standing in judgement against another? We are taught from an early age about forgiveness, reconciliation, and God’s mercy. But do we live what we are taught? I think the reason forgiveness is a struggle is that our emotions are engaged and our feelings are hurt. “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” We say these words whenever we pray the Our Father. They are such simple words.

Several years ago, my daughter, Katie, made an outcry. She shared that her older brother, Sam, had abused her when she was young. The devastation of this admission knows no bounds. At the time we learned of the abuse, Sam was 19 and Katie was 14. My husband and I went through a range of emotions that no one should ever have to experience. The outcry was made to a mandated reporter. What that means is that state investigators come in.

I became an expert overnight. Trying to lay blame was a waste of energy. I had two children whose lives were forever changed by a horrific set of events that occurred years earlier. Getting help for my daughter was the first priority. Katie had been seeing a counselor for almost a year. She was suffering from stress and anxiety. Katie had been building up the strength to share the reason behind the anxiety.

The state didn’t want Katie to speak to her counselor until after they had gotten a videotaped statement. They were not interested in my daughter’s physical, mental, or spiritual health. Our daughter’s counselor was not allowed to be present to offer coping strategies. Her Dad and I were not allowed to be present. We were supposed to give our child over to people with very different ideas and agendas. They wanted to get a grief stricken, emotional statement that would play well in front of a jury. At the very last moment, we refused to let Katie make her statement. The state would prosecute my Sam as an adult for something he did when he was much younger.

A child has no ability to understand life long consequences. A preteen looks at forever as the time being grounded from video games or hanging around with friends. Lent feels like “forever.” Would justice be served by sending Sam to prison for something he could now recognize as horrible? Unforgivable? Prison and all of the horrors that he would face, were very real. What skills would he learn there? Then, for the rest of his life he would be labeled as a sexual predator. Would he ever hold a job? Fall in love? Have a family? What we decided was going to be forever. How do we spill the blood of one child to save another?

The right answer, God’s answer for us, was forgiveness. The process has been long and sometimes painful. Our son’s blood would never be enough to heal the wounds our daughter bore, nor would it heal our son’s wounds.

It is there, in fact, “in the depths of the heart,” that everything is bound and loosed. It is not in our power not to feel or to forget an offense; but the heart that offers itself to the Holy Spirit turns injury into compassion and purifies the memory in transforming the hurt into intercession. (CCC 2843)

For the next four years, we became a family divided. Sam was thrown into the world to get a job, a place to live, and find a way to pay for his own education. My husband, our younger son, Peter, and I would “sneak” over to see him when we could. If our daughter was out with friends, we could have Sam over for dinner. Holidays were an agony I cannot put into words. There comes a time, in the darkest hours when the realization comes. The only way this can ever get better is through prayer. It was two years before Sam and Katie saw each other again. My son entered the military. He was “home” for leave. We met in a restaurant so there were plenty of people around and there wouldn’t be the same level of presssure. For the next two years, our daughter would sometimes agree to include her brother in events, and sometimes she wouldn’t. We knew we were in the tomb with Christ. The death of one family was complete, but would there be a new family?

One night last summer, my Sam and Katie went for a long walk. He was finally able to give his sister a tearful, heart felt apology. That was the beginning of the resurrection of our family. There are still ups and downs. Sometimes it is hard, still. Now they can laugh and have fun. Family dinners again include everyone. Our daughter, who was filled with hate for what her brother had done, is finding how freeing it is to accept forgiveness into her heart. The Holy Spirit has guided us through every step on this journey. We are grateful for the Mercy we have all been shown.