Adoption: An Adoptee's Perspective

Adoption is a word that brings about many emotions and reactions, most commonly, abandoned or unwanted children. The truth about adoption is very different from the media portrayals and stereotypes. Birth-mothers, adopted children, and adoptive parents all reap the benefits of adoption. So why are we a culture that no longer encourages and promotes adoption?

I am an adopted child. My brother was adopted. Both our spouses are adopted. I have several friends who were adopted. I also have close friends who have gone through the adoption process. Adoption has touched my life on many levels. And now there is a culture that does not promote it. I was always proud to be adopted. I would smile and tell people. When I was younger, everyone always reacted with a level of happiness. Now, people look a little differently. My husband was not told until he was an adolescent. His mother set out his "baby book" for him to see. He read cards that congratulated his parents on their adoption. After reading the cards, it was never discussed in their home. My husband grew up with so many questions. The pride I felt was a "secret" in his home. Two families, both used Catholic Social Services to adopt. We both grew up in families with loving parents and moms who stayed home to care for us.

Parents of adopted children are more likely to read to their children during the critical developmental years. Three out of four adopted children are read to, or sung to, as opposed to fifty percent of non-adopted children. Because adoptive parents have usually struggled with issues such as infertility their commitment to parenting is strong. Adoptive families have dinner together on average of six nights a week. Developing the familial bond and relationship is a high priority for these committed parents. (American Adoptions)

As a child, my parents read to us every night. Story time with Dad was a special treat. We listened as our dad would spin incredible tales for us. Our imaginations went wild! These behaviors have carried over into our own parenting. We always ate as a family at the dinner table. Even when sports schedules were crazy, every effort was made to be together through the meal so that we could share our day. This is a tradition that carries over into our own homes. My brother's family eats together almost every night. We eat together almost every night. Even if one person is absent, due to schedules, the rest of us sit at the table to pray and share a meal.

Birth-mothers are the unsung heroes. Many of these young women are very alone and frightened. Often the fathers bail out on them during the process. Sadly, teen mothers are being glamourized by television shows. But statistically, these girls are more likely to finish high school and go on to college if they put their children up for adoption. Adoption is the choice that gives everyone a better chance. Their children can live in a stable two-parent household. Parents are older, and financially more capable of providing for the baby.

While growing up, I never thought about finances. I never had to. If we needed new shoes, we got them. If there was a club or sport, we got involved. We always attended excellent schools. My brother and I graduated from private universities without loans or financial aid. We were truly blessed.

I never remember being told I was adopted. I just always knew. It was never a secret. My mother loved the women who gave her children to a stranger in the hopes of giving them a better life. We loved the women who carried us for nine months so that our “Mom” could carry us forward. Until the day my mom died, she prayed for the birth-mothers. I carry on in the same way. I always ask God to bless all birth-mothers so that they may be confident that they gave their children the best of themselves. So the notion that children will hate the birth parents is false. Why would adoptees hate the person who made it all possible? We do tend to have questions though. There is always the question of "why?' and that is not a blaming question, but rather to try to gain understanding of a life we have never known. There are also the questions about other children from the "birth family." Again, these stem from a natural curiosity. It does not in ANY way, reflect on the loving families who raised us.

We now live in a culture where there is no stigma for single parent families. This is a positive. The downside is that young girls end up keeping their children much more frequently than they did a generation ago. These are families in distress. Often these are single parent families that depend on financial support from governmental resources. Birth-mothers tend to marry later and divorce far less. Birth-mothers are far more likely to be employed 12 months after their children are born. Teen moms often find they cannot work, because of childcare expenses or availability. Moms cannot find adequate jobs because they lack the necessary skill sets. Teens who choose adoption are far more likely to follow and reach their educational goals. We have set these families up for a lifetime of struggles.¹

Why don’t we as a culture promote adoption as an option? The benefits are tremendous. We can move to a society that supports the children by creating families. Let’s see adoption counselling become part of the process for teens. After all, we teach them about dangers of drunk driving and drug use. Why should we turn our backs to the dangers of teen pregnancy? Prayers are not enough here. We are being called to evangelize and share the life giving possibilities of adoption.

^1{Source: McLaughlin SD, Manninen DL, Winges LD, Do Adolescents Who Relinquish Their Children Fare Better or Worse Than Those Who Raise Them? Family Planning Perspectives, 20:1 (Jan. - Feb. 1998), pp. 25-32}