The Elephant in the Room

A few weeks ago, i was having some serious medical problems. I won’t go into detail here, but it's sufficient to say that this condition could have killed me. And there is still a chance of that. Two different specialists told me there was nothing more they could do. I was getting worse every day. I had no real hope left, and I  began to accept my situation. I finally realized i was at peace with it.

When my wife and I  told our adult children I was seriously Ill, and that I wanted to talk to them,  we all got together in the living room of my eldest daughter’s house. My daughter who lived out of town rushed to be with us. So, there we were, my wife and myself, all my adult children and their spouses and one of my several grandchildren crammed in a small room. They didn't know what to expect from me, they didn't know what I wanted to say. They looked nervous.

They were all making small talk, waiting for me to speak. They looked afraid and nervous and sad. None of them were brave enough to ask me what was going on.

After a few minutes of listening to them chat, I finally spoke up.  “Let's talk about the elephant in the room, “ is how I began. That got their attention.  

I went on talk about my medical condition, and how my death was a possible, perhaps a likely, prognosis. I  told them that I was at peace with that.

I told them that I  loved them all very much, and I  apologized for all of the times I made mistakes in raising them. Then, I told them my wishes for my funeral, asking each of them to take a role in the ceremony.

When I finished, we had an active, wonderful discussion, with all of us, especially them, telling stories of when they were growing up. They told funny anecdotes, relating delightful memories which they hadn't thought about in years.

They expected our evening together to be a sad, depressing affair, but I believe that when we all went home that night, we realized we had had a surprisingly good time.

Thankfully, my condition has been improving, giving me reason to believe that I'm going to make it through this crisis.

The lesson, I believe, to take from this is that we all should have a similar talk with our family members. Tell them of your love for them, let them know of the things you regretted doing when they were growing up. Take the opportunity to tell them of your final wishes. And give them the chance to have their say, letting them relate their memories, expectations, stories and emotions.

After that evening, I feel closer to them, and more loved by them than I ever have. I'm beyond happy we had that evening together, and I think that those of you who read this, and try it themselves, will feel the same way.