How to Be a True Friend in Christ
What is true friendship? Our society might have you believe that true friendship is “supporting one another, no matter what.” While that phrase looks loving on the surface, are we truly loving someone by supporting them “no matter what”? It can definitely be challenging to have a difficult conversation with a friend regarding his or her sinful behavior. Society is constantly telling us that initiating this type of conversation automatically makes us “judgmental," but is judging the actions of an individual as harmful to his or her salvation (as long as it is done in a charitable way), really a bad thing?
Jesus showed us the perfect example of true friendship in his encounter with the woman caught in adultery in John, Chapter 8, verses 3-11:
Then the scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery and made her stand in the middle.
They said to him, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the very act of committing adultery.
Now in the law, Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?”
They said this to test him, so that they could have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and began to write on the ground with his finger.
But when they continued asking him, he straightened up and said to them,“Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”
Again he bent down and wrote on the ground.
And in response, they went away one by one, beginning with the elders. So he was left alone with the woman before him.
Then Jesus straightened up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
She replied, “No one, sir.” Then Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go, [and] from now on do not sin any more.”
Notice that Jesus condemns the Pharisees for their treatment of the woman; they certainly did not exercise charity towards her when attempting to admonish her for her sin. Jesus then shows us the correct way to approach a friend’s sinful behavior – with charity. He saves the woman from the disparaging Pharisees, but He does not tell her that her decision to commit adultery was something to be lauded. Rather, he tells her, “Go, and from now on do not sin anymore.” He rightly refuses to harm or shun her, but instead charitably urges her to purify her life. This is what we as Christians are all called to do. Christ shows us what true friendship really is: taking the hand of our friend, becoming a witness for them, and leading them away from anything that may compromise their salvation. In order to do this effectively, we must also be cognizant of our own sins, and work diligently every day to purify our own lives. Only then, as the Gospel says, “you will see clearly to remove the splinter from your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:5).
The Saints also have much advice to offer us in regards to true friendship:
“The better friends you are, the straighter you can talk, but while you are only on nodding terms, be slow to scold.” - St. Francis Xavier
This quote is really helpful to put our discussion in context. Before having a heart-to-heart conversation with your friend regarding his or her behavior, you need to ensure that there is a level of trust and understanding between the both of you. If that trust and understanding has not yet been established, your friend may question your motives and your intention, and may not be at all receptive to your feedback.
“Never rebuke while you’re still indignant about a fault committed – wait until the next day, or even longer. Then calmly, and with a purer intention, make your reprimand. You’ll gain more by a friendly word than by a three-hour quarrel.” - St. Josemaria Escriva
This is great advice for those of us who tend to be of the hot-tempered variety. If we are feeling angry or upset with our friend, especially if it is over a sin he or she has committed against us, we should avoid speaking with our friend about it until we have calmed our emotions and are able to discuss the situation rationally. Take some time to decompress and assess the situation. You will get a better result if you and your friend are both calm. After all, your ultimate goal is to help your friend get to heaven. A little humility goes a long way in being a true friend!
True friendship is hard to do in our society. It takes a lot of strength, a lot of courage, a lot of humility, and A LOT of God. You can do it, though, with His help. Trust me – He’ll reward you later.
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Alyson Borowczyk has a Master of Arts Degree in History from Buffalo State College. She was nominated for Outstanding Graduate Thesis (2017-2018) for her work entitled, “‘I Am the Handmaid of the Lord: The Spiritual Development of Mary Ward Amidst English Catholic Clerical Crisis, 1585-1630.” Alyson currently works as the Director of Donor Relationships at The Station of the Cross Catholic Radio Network, and she is also a teacher and Writing Composition Specialist at Chesterton Academy of Buffalo. Her online store, The Written Word on TeachersPayTeachers.com, provides resources for educators and homeschooling parents in the fields of English Language Arts and History. Alyson lives in Buffalo, NY with her loving husband Aaron and their dog, Pierogi. She is beyond excited for the opportunity to share her passion for the Church and its saints with the world.
