A Daughter's Thoughts #boyslivesmatter

The Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches:

2199 The fourth commandment is addressed expressly to children in their relationship to their father and mother, because this relationship is the most universal. It likewise concerns the ties of kinship between members of the extended family. It requires honor, affection, and gratitude toward elders and ancestors. Finally, it extends to the duties of pupils to teachers, employees to employers, subordinates to leaders, citizens to their country, and to those who administer or govern it. 

This commandment includes and presupposes the duties of parents, instructors, teachers, leaders, magistrates, those who govern, all who exercise authority over others or over a community of persons.

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In the wake of the latest sex scandal, I was struck by the hypocrisy of Hollywood and by the response of Woody Allen.  His throw away line about hoping this does not turn into a Witch Hunt could have been valid if not for his qualification: he hoped that a man who simply winks at a woman in the office doesn't end up arrested.

Yes, there was the typical backlash from social media.  It caused him to have to qualify his statement.  And while I understood the gist of what he was saying, it struck me that at some level men have the idea that they are going to be called on the carpet for a gentlemanly compliment (and by the way - a salacious wink is not a gentlemanly compliment), that somehow a woman will not know the difference between harassment and an acknowledgment of how nice she looks or how pleasant it is to see her.

Then I thought, well wait...how do we know the difference?  I think we know because we are taught by our fathers what it acceptable in male behavior and what is not.

My father failed on several levels as a Dad.  Much of that I have previously discussed in this blog and my regular readers know that I had a good, solid relationship with him when he died.  I totally accepted him for who and what he was, I forgave him his failings and I had made amends to him for my poor behavior as a daughter (behavior I once considered ok because, after all, it was a response to his poor fathering, right?).   Suffice to say that my father was the product of his horrible childhood and combat during WW2.  His wives and children were damaged as a result and, unfortunately, the residual affects are felt even today.

One thing my father did teach me, however, was to expect to be treated in a gentlemanly manner by males.  Blame it on his Southern Gentleman Façade, but he did believe in treating a lady like a lday, and that I should BE a lady.  When I fell into the lifestyle that comes with active alcoholism, I threw that teaching to the sidelines.  When I was restored to sanity, I reclaimed that teaching.  The result is I know the difference between a man who says, "Good morning, Leslie!  My you look lovely today!" and someone who leers at me or makes grunting noises to indicate the pleasure he is experiencing because of my mere presence.  And while I can post 'Me Too' on my status, no male needs to worry that he will have charges pressed against him or be called out on poor behavior because I can't tell the difference between a compliment and harassment.

My thinking led me further, however; what about the boys?  Who teaches a boy that grunting at a woman as she walks by is okay.  To paraphrase one of my favorite female comics who, in response to a guy who yelled "HEY BABY" as he drove by in a pick up truck - who taught that guy that doing that would work?  I mean, has a woman he screamed at ever yelled back, "Oh be still my heart, you romantic charmer you" and then ran after the truck?

So who teaches our young males and future men what it means to BE a man?  If the statistics are correct, and children of color are more likely to be raised in a household that does not include a strong father figure, how do we provide them with the education they are going to need to BE men of good character?  If a young male is surrounded only by women could that impact his way of regarding his role as a potential father?  Will he think he is important enough to stick around when he helps to create a child?

In case you haven't noticed, I am not a woman of color (that you can tell by looking at me).  My DNA results might speak otherwise but because I have walked through this life as - to all appearances - a White Woman, it would be highly presumptuous of me to speak to how to influence young males of color to be men who value their role as father to such a degree that they will not enter into any kind of union without wanting that union to be solid, permanent and about raising a strong generation.

SO....I did what any smart woman does:  I asked other people what THEY think.

I picked two friends of mine.  They have much in common.  They are both African American men.  They are married.  They are fathers.  They have strong spiritual beliefs and strong political beliefs.  They are both San Francisco Forty-Niner Faithful (which means they are above average intelligence - okay, that's MY take, anyway).

However, they are both at different ends of the political spectrum.  One is decidedly conservative in his outlook, the other not so much.  One voted for Donald Trump...the other didn't.  One is in Law Enforcement.  One is a professional DJ who raised children to serve this country in the military but has a very distinct view of American and World History.

In other words, they are individuals.

I asked them this question:

If you had unlimited funds and the green light to design a program for young men of color that would teach them to be responsible citizens of the United States and emphasize the need to NOT leave their children, no matter WHAT, with the caveat that the program cannot include God (it would be for the public school system and have to be able to avoid a lawsuit), what would it look like?

Donald (my brother from Law Enforcement) answered first:

Starting with larger cities he would build huge school campuses with dorms for families who have no home.  The fathers without diplomas would have access to adult education centers to get them their diplomas.  He would include large companies and manufacturers and businesses to provide them jobs.  Understanding that not everyone can (or wants) to work in an office, there would be an attempt to match men with appropriate ways to earn a good solid living, as this would make it possible for the kids to get the quality education they will need.  He would provide counseling for the whole family on a variety of topics to teach people how to maintain themselves, to be independent.  

He was tough love when it came to any issues - drugs or alcohol?  We will give you the counseling and support your need for help but one strike, buddy, and you are out.

Donald sees the problem as, basically, an economic one and a common sense issue.  You cannot just give someone a job.  You have to teach them how to budget, how to save, how to pay bills.  You have to give them access to jobs that will give people health care, be able to pay for education for their kids.  

When I read his response, I was struck by what he saw as a problem - there is no one to teach these kids the basics that he was taught by his mom and his dad....work hard, apply yourself, be moderate in your habits, save your money, love God, family, country and football.  He saw that this needed to be taught.

My buddy Curt asked me a few more questions.  I shared a bit with him about my own father and his answer to my question incorporated that information.

He stated that he would start at around the age of 12 with the boys, sharing with them the knowledge of what it means to grow up with a lousy father (like me).  He would explain to them that this is being done so that they might make a change in how they view parenting.  Like me (and Donald) he believes no Father should leave their child behind because family legacy is too important. He said we may not be "Rothschild, Bush or Obamas...but we make the difference in the world greater than (them)."  He addressed the excuse of "I didn't have a Father ...so I turned to gangs" by acknowledging that this may be true but is NOT the only choice.    

He went on to state that to be a great and instrumental Father is to continually be there for the child, offer advice and then let them decide.

Curt further stated that we have got to address the values of Motherhood as well because the way young men at 12 could be able to 'see the woman's point of view' could be incorporated into the teaching on Fatherhood.  "Young men...are wanting to be sexually active and look to peers for acceptance.  So cutting them off at the pass, so to speak, is vital in teaching values".

One of the problems he saw, however, is having to divorce this type of teaching from spirituality.  While he did not think it had to be linked to a specific religion, he did not think we should leave that element o

I am impressed with these answers.  As a Catholic, I see how important it is to teach our youngsters that they matter.  They matter not just as individuals; rather, they have an ultimate contribution to make and the actions they choose now can either lead them towards making a positive contribution or a negative one.  If a male child is told from the beginning that what he is being taught has a means to an end, that being his ability to lead, protect and shape the next generation, would that male child be more likely to make sure his partner in that endeavor wants to him to be there?  Would he treat young girls and women with respect because he would see them as an other self, necessary to a solid society and worthy of respect simply because they exist?

 If a female child is told that she is valuable for her mind, her heart and her vision and that she does not need to sacrifice her body or her soul to achieve a dream, would she be more likely to tell a Harvey Weinstein to take his offer of a movie role or the production of her movie and shove it where the sun don't shine when he tells her it is dependent upon her watching him masturbate?

I know there are no easy, simple answers to problems today.  I get that racism, lack of resources, economic issues and substance abuse ravage our world and that all of those things impact our ability to function as fully human.  I don't pretend that any one program or approach will solve the problems we have in society.

What I do think, however, is that we have forgotten a lot of the basics.  We have forgotten the importance of family, of fathers and of mothers.  We acknowledged that those roles may not be for everyone but rather than just saying, "That's cool if you don't wanna be a mommy or a daddy" we somehow went to "if you do want to be that, then you are shortchanging yourself" or "fathers don't matter" or "mothers aren't important".  

I am the product of an amazing single mother.  She saw motherhood as her vocation and she sacrificed a lot to give her children a stable home, with good solid values.   She did not want to do it alone; she had to because the man she chose walked away.  I am grateful that I had one sane parent but I wish I had had two....and I think a lot of us wish we had had that as well.

What do you think?