Wait is a Four Letter Word

All good things come to those who wait.  It's a catchy little saying that rolls off the tongue with a smile.  We wait for a lot of things.  We wait for the right job, the right partner, the right timing.  We wait for the money to be right or when we have the right house.  We wait in line, we wait our turn, we wait.

To the mother of a miscarriage, it's a four letter word.

Wait.  (Not weight, which is the 6-letter word that makes one cringe.) Wait, as in, pause.  Take a moment.  Maybe give it time.  Friends and family members, who struggle to watch a couple in pain, offer it up as a suggestion.  That maybe waiting will help end the cycle of pain.  That, by giving it 3 months, 6 months, a year, two years, it may stop the cycle of reoccurring nightmares that follow every pregnancy.  The word wait can make a miscarriage mother's stomach drop.

You see, those who have gone through miscarriages have gotten really, really good at waiting.  The first wait goes the quickest, and I say that comparatively.  The first cycle comes, there are tests that are done, and the signs of fertility return.  That, in itself, is difficult after a miscarriage.  It's actually the true end to the pregnancy, knowing that you will now have to start the process all over.

The wait then comes for doing the deed, in case the other half isn't home.  After miscarriage, timing is everything.  An egg lasts 24 measly hours.  24!  Did you know that?  You have a 24 hour window of opportunity.  If you miss it, you wait another whole month to try again.  And what happens if you get sick that day, or your partner, or your kids?  Or someone is out of town?  Until you have difficulties, you don't realize how fragile time is, and how many things can get in the way.  The wait is then prolonged.

The two-week wait is miserable.  (and expensive...if you don't want to buy dollar pregnancy tests.)  Peeing on a stick becomes an art form.  Maybe, just maybe, you'll get a positive.  Maybe, just maybe, this will be the positive pregnancy that sticks.  Sometimes, it is positive.  And sometimes, it's not.  Disappointment sets in, and the wait continues.

But, the real wait.  The painful wait.  The wait the consumes every minute of every day?  It's the wait that comes after the positive pregnancy test.  For most, a positive pregnancy test is a commercial.  How will you tell your significant other?  Your parents?  Your friends?  I've seen the cutest ways possible to announce a pregnancy.  After miscarriage, you really, really try to be cute.  You try to wait to share the news.  Not because miscarriage could happen in the first 12 weeks.  You already know that.  In fact, in some cases, sharing the news as early as possible is the only joy one gets out of the pregnancy because of the reoccurrence of ending too soon.  So you try to wait.

Every day you wait, praying to get through another day.  Every trip to the bathroom is a panic attack, typically because that's the first way you notice something wrong.  So you wait to pee.   Put it off as long as possible.  No news is good news.  You wait to get up in the morning, hoping today will be another great day.  You wait for the first doctor's appointment, the first ultrasound, the next ultrasound.  For most, two weeks from finding out you're pregnant to an ultra sound, goes quickly.  For the miscarriage couple, it's a waiting game.  Maybe she'll make it to that date.  And even if she does....the next ultra sound is still a two week wait after that.  More waiting...

Then, you wait to get the news.  You wait in the doctor's office, watching new mothers share pictures of ultrasounds.  You wait for the tech to get everything set.  And you hold your breath.  Maybe it's ok.  Maybe everyone's right.  Bleeding happens.  You could be one of the few.  And you wait for the doctor to confirm.  You wait for the options.  You wait for the miscarriage to end.  You wait, only to start the waiting process all over again.

So how does one pass the time while they wait?  Maybe running a half marathon will help pass the time.  (check out Nicole's 0-13.1  www.lifelessbullshit.com under the "work with me".  This got me through the first long wait.)  Join a book club or maybe just read a book if you haven't in awhile.  Get creative with your diet, get healthier.  Make better choices (then I do.)  Kick a habit. Start painting. Go to Church. Write a blog.  Find something, anything, that won't be destructive to your future.  Every single person, and every couple is different and has different needs.  But, every single person needs to do something while they wait.

And you know what happens?  Good things.  You cross the line of your first half marathon, over coming the impossible.  You finish a project you had been trying to accomplish and just couldn't.  You finish the book you've had on the shelf.  Or, you finally start writing about something that has true meaning to you, and that makes you happy in itself.  Finding something, anything, that can help make the days pass and help create any type of accomplishment will help the waiting not hurt...well, not hurt as much.

Maybe a baby will come.  Maybe it will be part of the plan.  Or maybe something else will come along totally unexpected.

Whatever happens, it's going to be worth the wait.