What Are You Waiting For?

A group of us were talking one evening when the following question was posed to those of us who had children:

"When do you feel pregnant?"

"As soon as you find out your pregnant."

It was a quick-witted reply, however, it may not have been entirely accurate. The truth is, you actually may feel pregnant even before you miss your period. Sore breasts, constant peeing, fatigue, and morning sickness may show up well before you pee on a stick. The positive on the stick merely catches your brain up to the invisible changes already occurring in your body. By the time you find out, you're usually at least four weeks pregnant. (Six if you weren't keeping track and didn't realize you had missed your period.) Six weeks! That's halfway through the first trimester! Only six more weeks until you are safe to share your news with the world.

Safe?

There is a stigma around pregnancy that has become somewhat of a normative rule. Pregnancy is divided into trimesters, 12 week stints at a time. The first trimester carries the highest risk for miscarriage. Therefore, it has become the rule that before the end of the first trimester, pregnancy should be kept a secret. This way, if the pregnancy is lost, the pregnant mother doesn't have to share her miscarriage. In fact, if you happen to sign up for the weekly pregnancy emails from a baby site, the one around 12 weeks will actually tell you "Congratulations! It's now safe to share the news!"

However, 1 in 4 women will not make it to the 12 week email. Those women, who have followed all of the safety rules, are now alone in their loss of the pregnancy. Unless it was someone close to them, not many would know why she is crying in the bathroom at work. Not many know why she missed a week last week for "personal reasons". Because we've decided to keep pregnancy a secret the first trimester, miscarriage has become the deeper, darker secret.

Why? Who decided this? Who decided that pregnancy was better left unshared before the end of the first trimester?

The answer is complex. However, within these complexities are the reasons behind why so many women are suffering silently.

#1 We keep pregnancy a secret because miscarriage is painful to share

This, by far, is the kindest reason why pregnancy and miscarriage are kept silent in the beginning. Sharing that your pregnant is (typically) wonderful news for the mother. She can't wait to plan out her life knowing that she will be sharing it now with another human being. When this is taken away, it's devastating. The actual pain can be so great that it cannot be put into words. Add to this the complexity of the fact that it is not talked about, and miscarriage becomes a painful event to endure on a multitude of levels. However, there is irony in this. The minute you put it into words, the minute that you share that you've lost a baby, the women around you open their arms. Their stories will come out of the woodwork. Family members, friends, doctors, nurses, strangers and strangers on social media will immediately connect with you and tell you they've been there and they understand. It's an unbelievable support group waiting to embrace the next woman who is fallen victim to the suffering. The sooner the mother breaks the silence herself, the sooner the support floods in.

#2 We hide pregnancy and miscarriage for the benefit of others

When we share pregnancy, those around you will be excited. They will ask how your feeling, how many weeks you are, if you feel movement. Pregnancy is still the last great mystery because there really isn't an app for that. The only way to experience pregnancy is to be pregnant. So, when a pregnancy is shared, and then lost, people who have not experienced it don't know what to say. They recoil. They try to say the right things. They become afraid to say the wrong things. They're afraid that they will bring pain the mother. However, when the conversation becomes more common, when others are not afraid to share their pain, the support from those who have never experienced it becomes overwhelming. They will ask how you are doing. They will understand that you want to talk about it. They will listen when you need someone to lean on for the minute, the hour, or the day. It's because we keep it a secret that those who haven't experienced it remain unsure and uncomfortable.

#3 We keep pregnancy and miscarriage a secret because of science

Taking a moment to remove all emotional connection to pregnancy, the actual science of pregnancy is actually astounding. An egg, released once every 28-30 days, lasts 24 hours in the uterus. If it does connect with sperm, it still must implant correctly into the lining. Then, the incredible cell division begins. Two zygotes create the DNA that will be the building blocks for another human being. Scientifically, it's almost impossible to believe. There is however, the line between science and motherhood. To science, the implanted egg into the womb is given terms such as embryo, fetus, cluster, cell. To a women embracing motherhood that is not a scientist, all of those words mean one thing: baby. Where the two meet is a complicated world of empathy and data.

#4 We keep pregnancy and miscarriage a secret because of society

This last reason is the great divide. Pro-life, pro-choice, pro-abortion, anti-abortion. We spend a lot of time arguing on when life begins. Pope Francis made a statement a few years back about the Church's stance on abortion. While he had to clarify his point afterwards, his original statement was significant. As a Church, we're (specifically Catholics) are doing it wrong. We are spending so much time debating when life begins, I feel Pope Francis was pointing out that we are failing at leading by example. Many of us are called differently to this example. One way to do this is to help break the silence and share our own journeys through pregnancy, from conception, and through miscarriage. Why can't we post our pregnancies and share the joy of these moments in the first trimester? Why can't we open our hearts to share our suffering in miscarriage and loss in order to allow others to share their stories as well? What's stopping those that want to share? One way to actively eliminate the fear of the first trimester would be for those that are called to share their news publicly. We are being called, and given, the amazing opportunity to change the story around pregnancy, miscarriage, and loss.

Women are waiting, right this moment, around the world to reach the end of the first trimester to be able to share their news. One in four of them are suffering because they were never able to share their news.

Why are you waiting?

#postthepostive #fearnotthefirsttrimester #sufferinsilencenomore