Plans, Shattered Ego and Keeping the Faith...

They say if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.

Now, I'm certain, there were times in my life where God probably felt like Ray Liotta listening to Joe Pisci telling jokes in Goodfellas, waving his hand at me and saying, "Stop! You gotta stop! You're killing me!" while writing Lol! Lol! Lmao!! in my portion of The Book of Life (That is optimistically thinking that I'm even included!). Maybe, it's why the Big Guy loves me so much. I make Him laugh.

I wonder if He calls the Blessed Mother and the Communion of Saints together to say, "You gotta hear this guy. He really thinks he's going to do that. What a riot!"

I'm reminded of the time I called 911 to say I was locked in my car and couldn't get out! The operators must have laughed as hard as the company of heavenly host at that one.

In any case, there's a great line at the end of the 1972 Robert Redford film, The Candidate, that I was recently reminded of. (Am I dating myself?)

It's the last scene of the movie, where Redford's character Bill McKay unexpectedly wins a hard fought campaign for senate against a popular incumbent rival, who appeared all but a shoe-in for reelection. The novice politician upsets the veteran senator and, as his supporters chanted his name in celebration and flocked around him, like the crowds surrounded Jesus in the First Century, and the press stepped all over themselves to record his every move and word, McKay pulls his campaign manager aside and into an empty room, before the hoarding mob figured out where they were hiding, and asks, "What do we do now?"

He never expected to win and was as shocked as the political world by his own victory.

I love that line because it captures, at least for me, the essence of how I feel sometimes when I think I want something bad enough and finally achieve it or possibly, even when I don't; despite my best effort, sleepless nights and endless prayers.

Then again, prayer is never about convincing God what we think we need but about conforming our hearts and wills to accept what He knows we need. It's like Christ prays in the Garden of Gethsemane, "Not as I will, but as You will," which is something I have been continuously praying for in recent weeks.

If you haven't noticed, I haven't blogged for a while. My focus has been tied up on one of those things that I thought I wanted bad enough and was planning as a natural progression in life, only to be disappointed in the end.

It's alright. The funny thing is, as I told our parish priest in Confession last Saturday, I didn't even know if I really wanted it; at least not as much in my heart as I had built up wanting it in my mind. Yet, it was taking up most of my time and effort over the past month, at the expense of my family and many other responsibilities. On Monday I was told that it wasn't meant to be.

Now, to be honest, part of me felt a sense of relief. I could move on and stop being consumed with the overwhelming and monumental task I was planning to undertake. I knew it was going to affect every aspect of my life, including my home life, which is something I have always tried to guard against.

Then pride crept in. Especially, when things were said in a public setting meant to elevate someone else and, in the process, felt like indirect affronts against me. "Oh, really?" I thought, "Is that truly what you think? Maybe, I should take my talents to South Beach." Not that I'm the South Beach type but just saying.

As Dante once wrote, "Pride, envy and avarice; these are the sparks that have set on fire the heart of all men."

I'm usually not resentful but part of me was hurt. It's the injured ego; the pride, which is the mother of all sins. 

Let's be honest, instead of the Bill McKay ending in The Candidate, I was hoping it would end more like Michael Carleone in the last scene of The Godfather, with Clemenza and Rocco Lampone kissing his hand and pledging their undying loyalty to him, as the door closes on Kay. Of course, I was picturing myself as Michael. "Don't ever ask me about the family business!"

However, I can't be spiteful and I know everything happens for a reason. I'm also confident and, moreover, certain that it was God's Will and for the better of my family. My prayers were answered in an unexpected way and time will tell what's in stored for me in the future.

As The Byrds once said, "To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven." Or was that the Old Testament?

Therefore, to answer Bill McKay's question; what do I do now? While it wasn't in my plan, I will continue to give my best and trust that, bruised ego and the laughs I may prompt in heaven aside, my best is yet to come. You can turn up the volume to The Crystal Method's, Keep Hope Alive, right about here....