Conversations with Jesus

These "talks" are random thoughts and conversations I have with the Lord, as I continually stumble and work through various occurrences in my life. May they touch the lives of others as He chooses.

Hey Jesus, here is the thing, I am well aware and so grateful for all your Holy Spirit has done for me and in me. The person I used to be is no longer ruling my life. But, it seems that there is still something in me that is not able to let go of some small level of control. Or, is it the old me still trying to assert some dominance in my life? As St. Paul declares in Romans 7:15, “What I do, I do not understand. For I do not do what I want to do, but I do what I hate.” He goes on to say, “So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.” (Romans 7:17). And with that, comes the negative voice that berates and calls me out as a horrible person. Why can’t I always remember the cross, my Lord? The place where you took my sins onto yourself and permitted your body to be brutalized and crucified all for me is the greatest reminder of Your unfathomable love and mercy. I don’t ever want to forget that selfless act that saved me and all mankind. How do I keep that thought in my heart and mind?

While on pilgrimage last month, the few times I voiced any negative selfviews, a few from my pilgrim family reminded me that I am loved — that you, Jesus, my King, love me more than I can imagine. That is not a thought that occurs to me naturally. It takes constant reminding. So then I wonder — is this why You haven’t allowed me to move forward from this place in which I stand? Is this why I have no discernment of the Father’s good and holy plan for my life? So much waiting... Oh, my Jesus, please help me to know the virtuous patience of holiness. I can do nothing apart from You.

Admittedly, I feel conviction in the idea that the Father is calling me to spend time being a “Martha” rather than a “Mary”. Much as Mary of Bethany did, I love spending time listening to the Holy people you have doing your work in this world. Their talks enlighten, inspire, and lift me up. But, as you know, as I listen, I do nothing else. While You did say that Mary was choosing the better option, I know it is time for me to become a servant for my family in our home. So many projects of cleaning and organizing, so little motivation — St. Martha of Bethany, pray for me. The Mary in me wants to continue the practice of sitting at your feet and listening to Your words through these chosen servants. But, I cannot deny that I feel called to take long needed care of our home, doing the chores that need to be done, yet I chose to ignore. Help me to embrace this as the Father’s will for this time in my life and trust that He may have something more to my liking in due time. Help me say as you did, Lord, “Your will and not mine be done.”

You are my everything, dear Jesus. While my thoughts and actions may not always reflect my deep love and devotion, when you look in my heart, you know it is there. I pray for your Blessed Mother to continue to be my guide and shining example of the life You want for me. Help me to be Your light in this world leading others to Your love — even through my cleaning.