A Letter to Our Young Girls

"The problem of pornography is that it does not reveal too much of a woman but too little." St. John Paul II said that. It’s quite fascinating to find such a humble and deeply Catholic Pope quote on a subject that is not only taboo but extremely hard to talk about in context.

Something wonderful happens when you really know, without a doubt, that God loves you. Your questions begin to change. Instead of asking, "Why did this happen to me or why doesn’t God care about me?", we say “Well I know God loves me; I know that. So what can I learn from this experience.”

I was very young when I came across pornography. I knew what I was looking at and that it was wrong, but didn’t understand the severity.

In first Corinthians Ch 6 18:20, it reads: “Keep away from sexual immorality. All other sins that people may commit are done outside the body; but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Do you not realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you and whom you received from God? You are not your own property, then; you have been bought at a price. So use your body for the glory of God."

I became so intrigued, that I started seeking it out, still not realizing the severity of what I was doing to my mind. I say my mind, because having this addiction, deeply impacted my mental state. It increased my desire for physical affection, which is not what a child should be feeling.

This self-infliction transformed every decision I made throughout my middle school, high school, college and early adulthood. It formed my impression of what a healthy relationship is and, let me tell you, it was far from healthy. In relationships of the heart, I allowed myself to get involved with men that didn’t have respect for me. And in reality, looking back, I didn’t have respect for myself. Because my idea of love, romance and self-worth was being objectified. I was allowing my self-worth to be tarnished by what my view of reality was, versus what God wanted my reality to be. I have spent nights crying and asking why He would allow me to have this desire when it was so bad. It affected so much of my life that I was angry. I realized my imagination was overshadowing reality and it was clouding my sense of eternal peace. I was abusing myself without realizing it.

Looking back, I realize that my friendships were shallow. When you subject yourself to pornography, you become numb mentally to what a woman’s worth is. You allow yourself to be subject to friendships that don’t allow you to grow, but remain empty. My friends and the guys I hung out with would never have thought it was taboo. At times, I felt more accepted and not so prudish because of my little secret. The reason I say that is because my friends were so consumed by what society has put as the norm for sexuality, woman and relationships. There could not be anything wrong with this. No way! I mean it’s in our face. At no point did I ever, ever think I had an addiction or problem. Why would I? There was nothing wrong with what I was doing. And I never saw the negative, not even in how it affected my friendships.

This isn’t just about a screen. Pornography scientifically numbs your perception of the reality of a healthy relationship with any person you meet.

Addiction, in general terms, is self-abuse, whether you want to look at it from an emotional or physical stand point. Once your brain is wired to view sex in this way, it is very hard to change it. There is a cycle of frustration and guilt from viewing pornography, and the restlessness of wanting more is what starts to build and ends up trapping you in addiction.

I didn’t realize it was an addiction until I went deeper and learned about my faith. When I learned about sin and what was considered right and wrong; it really hit me hard. Not only is pornography a sin, but it leads to lust and masturbation. It’s not that the desire wasn’t and still isn’t there, its realizing it was being manifested by everything that the devil wanted, and none of it was from God or bringing me closer to Him.

Why is masturbation or pornography bad? It distorts the way you will see other people and most importantly, yourself. It ultimately doesn’t leave you happy. It’s selfish. That is why there is no gratification past the minute. You will end up not feeling satisfied by real relationships. What good can come of that? In reality, a vocation of single life, marriage or religious vocation can also leave you unhappy at times. However, the difference is, in those instances, you are sacrificing yourself for someone and something other than your own personal needs and wants. That type of sacrifice helps you grow in your faith and allows you to walk along with Jesus. You are met with a sense of worth and peace. The outcome of this sacrifice leads you to righteousness.

I found self-realization, and not denial, was the first and biggest step in overcoming this struggle.

Having an active Reconciliation and an open dialog with my priest was also very helpful. There was a fear and embarrassment that first time. I even remember my voice quivered and I teared up. I was so ashamed. However, I knew this heaviness wasn’t going to go away if I didn’t confess and make it right with God. And let me tell you, leading up to that confession, there was a lot of spiritual warfare. The confession was so uplifting, and I received good advice, and there was a feeling of mercy poured onto me. However, I will be honest that after I realized I needed God’s help, I felt like the addiction was getting worse. The devil didn’t want to let me go. But I kept fighting. Each time I gave in, I broke down in tears. My determination to overcome this became stronger.

I also became more devoted to our Blessed Mother and allowed her beauty and role as a Woman for all women to inspire me. I decided to really turn my heart over to her and to ask her to help me be a good mother and a good wife. This was a daily prayer for me. Because I knew if I had Her by my side, the one who crushed the serpent, I could overcome this. I spent more time at Adoration, turned my intentions over to her during my rosary prayers, and finally I consecrated myself to her to obtain a stronger knowledge of how to reach her son and be in His Mercy and Grace.

This struggle is something I have dealt with. My peace is knowing God loves me, forgives me and knew this struggle was going to happen, but wanted this for me and to use it for his Glory. I’m sharing this because I know the effects of lack of acceptance and doing things to help you feel better momentarily. Please accept and love yourself more. Make the right choices and know what is good for you. And please know that you are not alone. This is something you can overcome. Talk to someone. Don’t allow yourself to walk alone.

“Your eyes are the lamp to your soul, so if you keep your eyes clear, you will fill your soul with His light.”