20 years home

On April 16, 2006, I became a Catholic. Here are some reflections as I celebrate 20 years of being home in the church.

Before Catholicism, I believed in God. And in His son Jesus Christ’s life, death and resurrection. I believed in Heaven and Hell. I thought believing was enough.

Before Catholicism, I would tell people that I was “spiritual, not religious.” What that really translated to for me was that I believed, but I wasn’t a “crazy religious person”. I didn’t need church to have a relationship with Jesus. It’s ironic now, because this “relationship” wasn’t a relationship at all. I wasn’t regularly doing anything to be close to God. I wasn’t reading the word. I wasn’t praying all that often. How can you possibly have a relationship with someone who you do not communicate with?

Before Catholicism, I did whatever I felt like doing. I lived a sin filled life that I thought equated to freedom.

Then I fell in love with a cradle Catholic, and while we were dating, one day he asked if I would go to Mass with him. I said yes. It would be cool to say that my eyes were opened that first time I attended the Holy sacrifice of the Mass, and that I recognized the miracle occurring in front of my eyes on the altar. That I saw Jesus there that day as I do now every single Mass. But that’s not how it played out. What I left with was confusion. The church services that I (sparsely) attended as a kid were non-denominational services in which we sang worship songs for half an hour, then listened to a motivational speech, and then were sent on our way. Not this sitting-standing-kneeling routine I was suddenly experiencing for the first time. What was all of this?

Today I thank God for the confusion that led to a deep curiosity. The curiosity grew and I wanted to figure out why the Mass was structured the way it is. It made me start digging for answers. Now, of course, as I look back – I can see clearly that the Lord was calling me to Him in this way. He was drawing me closer.

It began with some internet searches on the faith. The year was 2005 and I was working at an admin office at a helicopter squadron that I was stationed at while serving in the United States Navy. I didn’t have a lot of free browsing time in that office, but when I did, I was looking up information about the church. I learned that the Catholic church was the original Christian church, founded by Jesus Christ Himself. I learned that it was universal- that the same daily readings being said at a Mass in Corpus Christi, Texas, were being read all over the country and across the ocean at Catholic Masses worldwide. I started looking at those daily readings. I didn’t know that the church was so big on the scriptures. I didn’t know so much – yet – I found myself learning about the faith, and nodding to the screen as I was taking in this information, “I believe this” repeating in my mind.

The conversion journey began. Said boy that I was in love with (still am) left the country for an assignment in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. We maintained a long distance relationship.

I started going to RCIA (Now called OCIA- order of Christian initiation of adults) at the Catholic chapel onboard NAS Corpus Christi, named Our Lady of Guadalupe. For about 6 months I was taught more about the Catholic faith, all the while feeling as though I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing. I can’t explain this well – but I just knew.

Then on April 16, 2006 – I was baptized, received my first Holy communion, and was confirmed. I am so grateful.

The journey didn’t end there, of course. It would be great to tell you that I started living out this faith- filled obedient life then, but the truth is that I left a stubborn foot in the world. I was lukewarm for a while. But Jesus has continued to be patient, and loving, and has called me to grow. He has called me to trust Him more. I’ve started to really believe that He is good and only desires good for me. I’ve grown a lot in my faith in the last twenty years, and my prayer is that my faith continues to grow and ultimately leads to perfect union with Him in Heaven one day.

After Catholicism, I am not ashamed to call myself a religious person. That whole bit I used to identify as “spiritual, not religious”, was kind of a joke. I’ve heard it said recently that even demons are spiritual and believe in God. But religion is a tangible way of living out our faith.

We read in Matthew 22:36-38, “Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest? He said to him, you shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and the first commandment.” Love is a verb. Not a feeling. Christ showed His love for us with action. How could I not choose to love Him back with my own actions? I don’t want to just say that I know and love God. I want to actually know and love God.

After Catholicism, I am truly free. The life of partying and promiscuity in my youth had nothing on a life rooted in faith. My old behavior left me empty and lost. I wasn’t living as though I am worthy of dignity, and that life was a lie. Every single one of us was created by God and for God, and will be lost until we start living in that truth. True peace and fulfillment can only be found in Jesus Christ.  "For you have made us for yourself, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you." - St. Augustine 

After Catholicism, I remember a time in which I switched from saying “God loves me no matter how I am living” (true, yes) to “How am I loving Him back?”.  For the first time, I went from having this thought in the back of my mind that I was loved by God to OPENING myself up to receiving that love. It was always there for me, I just had my back turned before.

After Catholicism, I can see the great gift we have at the sacrifice of the Mass every time the consecration occurs. I thank the Lord for John 6 and how I get to see this reality in my beautiful church. My eyes are open to it now. My ears are open now to the readings, to the Gospel. We were made to be immersed in these scriptures that are truly living and supernatural. They are our guide to life. I appreciate it now -the reverence of the Mass. How could we not bow down to our Lord at the altar? How could I not kneel at His presence in the church? I feel it now – how we were created for Him and for others. How beautiful is it to worship as brothers and sisters?

After Catholicism, I see that Jesus really is the answer to every question. I see that He is the truth. I see that He is love. He loves us so much, that He lets us choose Him. If it were forced on us, it wouldn’t be love at all.

Pope Benedict XVI is quoted as saying “Being Christian is not the result of an ethical choice or a lofty idea, but the encounter with an event, a person, which gives life a new horizon and a decisive direction.”

After Catholicism, this “new horizon” has led to me finally knowing who I really am in my truest identity.

The closer I get to God, the closer I want to get to God. “Earnestly desire the higher gifts. And I will show you a still more excellent way.” – St Paul in 1 Cor 12:31

After Catholicism, I can see that acknowledging God exists and living for that God are vastly different. We were made for more than mediocrity. We were made for more than just getting through every day, wondering what all of this is for. May all of our lives be built on the love of Jesus Christ. Thanks be to God for leading me home.