Getting Married? Get Ready to Suffer!

Today’s article is for all the married couples, and for those thinking about getting married. I want to talk about the vows and the words in general that are exchanged between the groom and bride and priest during the Liturgy of the Mass. For those who have forgotten their vows because it has been a while or for those who need to practice, in the Catholic Liturgy, these are the words that are traded back and forth between the couple: 

 “I, (name), take you, (name), to be my wife. 

I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, 

in sickness and in health. 

I will love you and honor you
all the days of my life.”

When I was saying these vows, I was also saying them in Spanish because my wife and I had a bilingual mass, and in Spanish the words spoken between los novios are:

"Yo, [Nombre], te quiero a ti, [Nombre], como esposa/o 

y me entrego a ti,

 y prometo serte fiel en la prosperidad y en la adversidad, 

en la salud y en la enfermedad, 

y así amarte y respetarte todos los días de mi vida."

For this article it does not really matter their differences between the English and Spanish version because there are very few. The reality is, even though I said my vows in two different languages which carry with them their own meanings and cultures, I had no idea what I was really saying in either language.

I do not think anyone really knows what these words found in the vows mean because I believe that there is a key word that is not found in either language. The word is: Suffer. NOT THAT I AM CALLING OUT THE VATICAN! I am not asking here for a reform in the Nuptial Mass. The fact is, the idea of suffering is very present throughout the Mass. There is no excuse for any married couples to say later on they had no idea what they were getting into. In the vows themselves it says, “ in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health.” In many of the readings that are selected for the Nuptial Mass, the couple listen to concepts of “sacrifice” for example which is found in Ephesians 5. In 1 Corinthians which is another popular reading, couples listen to love as something that "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." In the Prayers of the Faithful, couples hear the prayers for them to “carry the burden of life with joy” and later in the petitions, grace is asked for couples so that they may hand the challenges of daily life which include their finances, and all the struggles (suffering) that comes with being parents. Not to mention, that our Lord on His Cross is always present, that is, His sacrifice which is the focus point of the entire Mass found most perfectly on the altar during the consecration of the bread and wine, reminding us of His suffering. The entire Nuptial Mass is a blessing for couples to witness the realities of what it truly means to be married, but agian, I notice that the word is not found being explicitly said–suffer.

I believe that very few understand what is being recited in the vows or readings or in the Mass itself. If couples really understood what this Mass was revealing then I believe there would be less divorces. Many are not correlating the fact that love is suffering. Love is not happily ever after (at least not in this life). No one thinks about how one of the happiest moments of their life is actually the moment they take up their cross. That is right. My wife is my cross, and I am hers. That sounds horrible but that is the reality. To choose marriage is to choose a vocation where two people choose together willingly to pick up their crosses, and walk together during this pilgrimage on earth toward sainthood. This is what being married is truly about. 

When couples are at the altar, what is really being said between them and through the entire Liturgy is they are going to suffer, but again, this sounds horrible. Who would ever want to get married? Well, what does it really mean to suffer as a Christian? Many Christians, when they think of suffering, they think of Christ’s Cross, and they should, but that is His Cross. I think there is serious confusion here. My cross or my readers' crosses are not His. None of us can pick up His Cross. It is too heavy for us. We are not able to bear it, but then what does it mean to pick up our cross? What is Christ telling us? Well, what is His Cross? What does Christ do on His Cross? He forgives and He loves perfectly. That is what all of our crosses are! Our cross is to love and to forgive. Now take this idea and apply it to what marriage is. They both line up perfectly. Marriage is a cross because it is the suffering that two people will experience by loving and forgiving each other. That is marriage! That is the vocation couples take together. It is a vocation of love and forgiveness. Trust me. After 16 years with my wife, between both of us, there have been plenty of times to practice forgiveness and even more to love. 

At Mass, when the couple are at the altar. When they are looking at each other, each must understand that they are going to suffer for one another but it is the most beautiful suffering that exists. To suffer for love, there is no greater gift. There is no higher calling for us. And it is not even over yet! When kids come along. Get ready to suffer even more! That is, get ready to love and forgive more. This idea needs to be understood for the couple and for many reasons. First, and most importantly, this is what it means to be Christian. Married or not, us Christians are called to love and forgive. Our cross is not a burden but a source of freedom. No longer is it necessary to be tied down to things that bring pain, distraction and ultimately nothingness. With love and forgiveness, what is gained is everything, including–heaven. Second, the expectation is clear. When sickness or the bad times come, understanding that this is the suffering that all married couples will face will be embraced rather than rejected. So often it is thought that suffering should be avoided, but for Christians, this means to reject moments that perfect a soul. When suffering is being experienced, these are times for growth and times to learn how to love and forgive like Christ. This leads to the final point, heaven. This life is short, and eternity is long as Bonhoeffer said. If getting married is the calling that one feels, then the couple needs to know that this is their pathway to heaven. Their spouse is their “ticket” and they better be sure that this is the person they want to walk with to heaven.

I write this article because my wife and I do talks for the Sacrament of Marriage. I bring this up all the time and although it brings laughter in the room it also brings a smack of reality for many who have been married. Everyone who is married in the room who hears me say this always has the same face of “so true.” Those who are getting married have the face of “What, wait?” I believe that it needs to be talked about more. This is why any reader who is thinking about getting married should consider pre-martial retreats and read more on what this Sacrament truly is. For those who have been married for a short time or for a while who are struggling. This is a perfect moment to get closer to God. This is the moment to go to Confession. To go to Adoration. To seek God out and to have Him guide you. God is the center of all marriages that is why divorce is not an option, but it is also why a couple can find the light, rediscover that love they once felt and once again be in the state of grace that they were in on the day of their wedding. God gives that to everyone who comes to Him, but remember He will tell you to “love, and forgive.”