Anger Inside Out

I’m aware of my anger.  It can be like a simmering stew waiting to boil over with harsh, convicting words. And multiple times, I’ve faced the truth that underlying fear from unrelated situations is anger’s main ingredient. Fear of failure. Fear of inadequacy. Fear of stagnation or losing sight of goals. Eventually, I push through the anxiety with a new resolve to forgive my stumbles and be less judgmental of myself and others.

We’ve all known life’s disappointments. As a child it’s the balloon that escaped my grasp and floated up and away. I still have a vision of my beautiful balloon breaking free and my sudden burst of sadness. Maybe the lost balloon set fear’s groundwork. What will I lose next? And then it happened. The new doll that I left behind on a bus. The tears flowed as I learned that it didn’t show up after my mom called the bus company. Much later in life, the loss of a marriage so sudden that the shock was as if my husband died in an accident even as I stared at him in utter disbelief. The person I married became a stranger in an instant. I believe it’s the unexpected, sudden losses that laid the foundation of a fear reaction within me. I’ve experienced the death of both parents after long illnesses. The loss was different. I spent time with them. And my brother too. I held his hand for hours the week he died. The loss is soul piercing but there wasn’t a fear response.

Throughout my life, coping with sudden losses or disappointments gave me resilience and courage to push through and get to the other side. But it also left me with the residual fear that expresses itself with anger. And I continue to struggle with it.

I’ve read that unexpressed anger can turn into depression. And I’m wondering now if my sudden reactions and dealing with hurts by lashing out is a way to avoid depression. I’ve known people that keep their anger inside and grow unresponsive and silent with unexpressed sadness. I’m not excusing my anger I know I need to be kinder in the face of judgments or perceived slights and injustices. And I continue to ponder if justified anger really exists when we’re called not to judge for that’s God’s realm.

For me, the path forward is understanding what fuels my anger. What do I fear today? Disappointment? Betrayal? Sudden loss? Procrastination? All of these experiences are a part of life. There’s one belief above all others that keeps me from being stuck in a cycle of fear or anger: Everything happens for a reason. So many times, I’ve had the grace of hindsight. With faith, I understand why something happens far removed from the actual experience. Something or someone wasn’t meant to be part of my life. God had a much better plan down the road. And I’m sure I have limited understanding of a situation that elicits an angry response on my part. But most importantly, through my faith life, I’ve learned forgiveness. Over and over and over.

In Matthew’s Gospel, Chapter 18:21-22 Peter asks Jesus how many times he should forgive his brother who sins and says, “…As many as seven times?” Jesus replies, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.”

My past experiences do impact my ongoing reactions. But I remain in the battle of fending off the fears. Some days I win and other days the fear defeats me because I know it’s manifested through my anger. Yet some reactions are directly related to the situation at hand. I get angry when I see an animal abused or neglected. I get angry when someone steals from me. But I’ve learned that prayer can turn around a situation! I prayed about the stolen wallet and someone mailed it back to me! Remorse from the thief? I prayed for the neighborhood cat that, although owned, always greeted me outside even on the coldest day. And I heard she had other friends that looked after her safety and wellbeing. Does prayer turn every situation into a positive? No, but it changes me and abates my angry responses.

My fears never really go away. But when I turn to prayer, I’m able to deal with and deflect the negative influences in my life. Here’s the thing. Be kind to yourself. Don’t let the fears multiply. My goal? Deal with the fears so they don’t manifest as anger. I’m working on it. One step at a time. In the season of Lent, I seek change in myself. And the most important part: Stay in the battle. Overcoming fear is a faith walk! Prayer allows me turn over my fears to a Creator and God that loves me!