The narrow gate of Sts Simon & Jude
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MINION MORGUE CAUCUS ROOM - 4 HOURS EARLIER
Adolph the Black, “This strike is giving me a headache and I’m thirsty. Let’s go to Smokey’s.” Seeing no arguments, they all stood. They froze.
“How can we sneak away? There’s only one door, and it leads to Satan and Mary,” said Hilarious the Yellow, looking around. “Funny, I never thought I would use those 2 names as a team in the same sentence.”
“There’s always another door,” said Adolph the Black. “All building codes require fire escapes. I found it our first day. It blends into the gray woodwork. ”
Hilarious the Yellow was puzzled. "Let me get this straight. Our ‘escape’ takes us from comfy chairs and gourmet pastries into the flames of Hell?”
“I’m thirsty too,” said Stalin the Red ignoring Yellow. “Even for Smokey’s hopps water.”
“Ok, but we only have time for one,” cautioned Ebenezer the Orange. “We must be back before Satan notices.”
“There’s no such thing as just one,” corrected Vlad the Green.
“I’ll bet Satan explodes if he finds out,” said Ebenezer the Orange.
“I’d take that bet,” winked Vlad the Green, as they descended the fire escape.
THE MANAGEMENT CAUCUS ROOM
Meticulously, Mary prepared the contract while Satan planned a celebration, which included more beer. Generously or boastfully, the fallen angel’s favorite refreshments would be provided: pizza and beer.
Mary wanted to leave. This sham was an exercise in futility. Satan would force the drunken minions to sign, who would regret it for eternity. Who was she to criticize? Mary didn’t have to live with the agreement. Tonight, she would finish her project and go to Dad, hopefully forever. Did she learn everything she needed? Yet, something did not sit right in her. What was she missing?
Mary’s thoughts were interrupted by Satan, who rudely pushed along the evening. Meanwhile, Mary counted 15-minutes since Satan stared at a mirror, a new record. He was still in his kilt. Mary was Scotch-Irish and loved her heritage, so no offense was intended. But never in her life, did Mary expect to see Satan in a dress. There wasn’t enough bleach in the universe, to wash his image off her retinas.
Meanwhile, Virgil herded-in the staggering minions. It was reverse whack-a-mole. As soon as he got one on his feet, another fell. Politely, Satan asked everyone to be seated, which occurred in slow motion. Within a minute, 2 tipped over, preferring to hug the floor. This left 3 drooling, vertically challenged, metronoming-minions with glazed eyes.
“There seems to be health issues with the green-gomer and the red-reject,” said Satan, unconcerned. “Our agreement can be read aloud, but all 5 must sign.”
Ebenezer the Orange slurred. “nobody here reads or writes, b'cept me.” He hiccuped violently. Just then Hilarious the Yellow’s chair fell backwards. His feet flung upwards and crashed down onto the table, leaving 2 chicken legs to represent himself.
Mary whispered to Satan, “they’re dropping like flies. Is there a way to move this along?”
“What’s your rush?” Satan sneered. Since he couldn’t steal her soul, he would delay her departure. Mary shuddered. Although events had been entertaining, this showed blatant disrespect to God’s creatures. She felt shame and guilt. She needed a priest to define boundaries. She was confused by ‘an eye for an eye’, exercising prudence and ‘turning the other cheek.’ Nothing was within her control here, especially Satan. Perhaps that was the answer. Total trust in God. Not only was He watching, He was allowing everything to happen. She offered-up all her guilt, shame, fear, confusion and anxiety-energy to the Father. She asked Him to please transform it and use it for something good. None of her time here should be wasted. She was sitting on a gold mine of graces.
“If everybody is ready,” said Satan, “let us proceed. After much hard work and soul searching …”
Mary snorted aloud at the irony. Satan glared at her. She had to control herself better. Satan, soul searching, in hell? Did demons have souls?
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In Summa Theologiae I.51–I.55, St Thomas Aquina explains if angels do or do not have souls.
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“If you will excuse Muriel’s rude interruption,” Satan continued. “After much hard work and soul searching,” Satan laser-glared at Mary, “I believe we have an agreement where we can all live together in eternal peace.”
Of course, Mary controlled herself. But how could she tune out Satan’s 20-minute pontification?
Satan announced, “our agreement reads as follows." The 800+ pages of proposals was reduced to 41 words.
The above agreement is entered into freely by both parties and is effective immediately. This agreement covers past, present, and future boarders. This agreement will remain in force until Satan decides otherwise.
Signed on this date by Satan and the undersigned 5, who represent of all demonkind.
No swimming is recommended for at least 1-hour after reading this agreement.”
Satan looked around the room. Only Mary was listening. All 5 minions were passed out in awkward positions, but Satan didn’t mind. Satan signed the agreement with an inked feather, outperforming Mr. Johnny Hancock. Then he screamed, “DEMONS!” as Mary covered her ears. The minions jumped up so fast, their chairs stood with them.
“It’s time for you to sign the agreement,” said Satan gently.
The minions muttered “huh, whaaaa ... ?” and signed the agreement.
Since only Ebenezious the Orange could read and write, he signed his name, while the others marked “X”.
“Does this mean we get a party?” asked Vlad the Green.
“Why yes. Yes, it does,” soothed Satan, rolling up the document. “I have, at present, catered an event with all your favorites. If you follow me, I will escort you to your gala. You too, Marcy.”
Everyone followed Satan. Mary had no desire to watch Satan gloat. Satan opened a door to music, confetti, tapped beer kegs and tiered pizzas; courtesy of Smokey's wallet. It was real beer and Smokey did not look pleased.
Satan opened a side door for waiting demons to join the party. Mary’s jaw dropped at Satan’s generosity. He went all out, under the circumstances. Two beers in hand, Satan skirted over to Mary and handed her a frosty mug.
“What do you think?” he asked smiling. “Nice party, eh?”
“Yes, it is,” replied Mary, refusing to drink. “But with all due respect, I thought you would renege on the party.”
“I admit that I toyed with cancelling it,” said Satan. “Then I thought, what the heck. I got what I wanted. I will never hear them complain again. That’s worth a party. Besides, it adds truth to my marketing pitches.”
“Your honesty is refreshing,” Mary noted. “What will you do to them after the party?”
“Do you really want to know?” inquired Satan. The look in his eye said, ‘whatever it is, it involves grinding of teeth.’
“You’re right,” Mary replied, “Ignorance is bliss.”
“It’s hard being eternally-right,” said Satan. “You know, I’m actually going to miss you when you’re gone. You livened things up here. Are you sure you can’t stay longer?”
“Thank you, but there is not a chance in … here,” Mary quipped. “It’s time to move on. I have a wedding feast to attend and a celestial realm to explore. I’m sure you understand.”
“Well, if ever I need negotiation advice again, I’ll ask for you.” said Satan.
“By name?” Mary teased.
Satan smiled with twinkling eyes. “Now I get why he sent you. You certainly are special,” Satan raised his glass hinting at a toast. He was an expert ‘toaster’ and roaster.
“Thanks,” Mary smiled, “but I’m retiring.” Mary held up her glass and said, “to our Boss.” Satan cringed as they clinked glasses. She was still in hell and he was still Satan. He was expecting one last compliment from her, but she bested him.
“Thank you for everything, but it’s time to go,” said Mary, anxiously.
“Good-bye Megan,” said Satan. He moved to hug Mary, but she extended her right palm for a handshake. They shook firmly as she exited, pretending to be calm. Outside, she imitated an Olympic sprinter, hoping to forever close this chapter. Gratefully, she exhaled. Successfully, she dodged her dance with the devil when suddenly, Mary felt an intense burning sensation within her right palm …
< See below link for THE FINAL CHAPTER: “Mary’s Contingency is fulfilled” >
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Chapter 2: Jerking Satan’s Chain & the burning laptop
Chapter 3: “Hmm …. I guess I read that wrong”
Chapter 4: The devil is in the details
Chapter 5: And what was it they wanted to organize?
Chapter 6: Nothing is ever good enough
Chapter 7: What could be worse?
Chapter 9: It’s all in the sales pitch
Chapter 11: Just the first day
Chapter 12: Let’s get comfortable
Chapter 14: The 2nd day & who is messing with whom?
Chapter 15: The meeting of the minds—to waste
Chapter 16: The minions in the Caucus Room
Chapter 17: Stop & smell the roses
Chapter 18: Same evening, different place or the mindless are meeting
Chapter 19: Paper, Rock or Scissors
Chapter 20: My issues are stupider than yours!
Chapter 21: You have the right to remain silent
Chapter 22: Let the stupidity begin
Chapter 23: When in hell, it doesn’t matter what day it is
Chapter 24: Insolence at its finest
Chapter 25: Striking for the hell of it
Chapter 26: The signing ceremony
Science cannot explain suffering. As Lay Passionist and nurse, she challenges modern health care assumptions; contraception, abortion, euthanasia, herd immunity and more. Behind every health dilemma, God asks us to abide in Him. Author of 7 books & >20 peer-reviewed nursing journal articles; she also writes as "The Catholic Nurse" on Substack, see "Archives." She is a veteran of the Army Nurse Corps. Her primary charism is mercy through which she explores redemptive suffering, spiritual healing and the joy of bringing of souls to God.
