NEGOTIATING HELL: a sequel to CS Lewis' "Screwtape Letters." Ch 5-Organize Sm'organize"
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Everything good comes from God, and only God. Our supreme carpenter Jesus hand-crafted 7 steps for us to climb into heaven. These steps are called the 7 sacraments. The goal of every soul is to check these 6-7 boxes, depending on vocation.
In Confirmation, we receive the Holy Spirit and all His gifts. Blessed with the oil of holy chrism; we become guardians of the faith, with a chosen saint by our side. Sadly, the underworld may never experience anything similar. Even mockery — a dark reminder of lost opportunities — is unsatisfying. Fallen angels have forever lost the friendship of our saints. They are enemies. Perhaps, it is because they know which exact saint assumed their rejected heavenly crown/throne. Envious, this limits their nomenclature. The names volunteered by the minions to Mary for name cards; appear to be ambitious souls lured through pride. However, no one may presume anyone is in hell, because of God’s unfathomable mercy i.e. the good thief on the cross.
If God is infinite, so must be His virtues, charisms and combinations, thereof. When a third of the angels fell (Revelations 12:4) each lost their heavenly throne. While not dogma, one theory speculates saints, having perfectly-attained that throne’s assigned virtue, receives that fallen angel’s reward. If true, dethroned demons may target the virtue-seeking human most likely to steal their unawarded crown.
Yet, this theory has flaws, because humans and angels possess different attributes and intellects. Are saints allowed thrones within the 9-choirs of angels, or is it a finite set? If yes, does this define the communion of saints or the mystical body of Christ? Whether humans earn a fallen angel’s assigned throne, is an interesting concept to consider. It certainly explains their envy …
The negotiating room…
Returning, the minions were shocked to see Satan present. Prone to grand entrances, audiences were his favorite pastime and toy. Patiently, Satan and Mary watched the squirming little imps squabble over furniture --'musical chair' style. Finally, they settled behind the following name cards. Mary replaced mind-photos and hit save.
_______________________________________
Adolphious — Black the ambitious and arrogant
Ebenezious — Orange the articulate, feminine intellect
Hilarious — Yellow the coward, yet a fierce rival to Green
Stalinious — Red, a gearhead and pathologic introvert
Vladious — Green the gambler, always calculating odds
________________________________________
“Have you decibel-disordered disasters decided who you are and what you want?” asked Satan, entertained and annoyed at the same time. Mary shook her head at him.
“Well, Mr. Mood-Swing, us ‘disasters’ have names. Furthermore, we provided our proposals to Mary. Try literacy sometime,” countered Adolphious the Black.
The other minions inhaled and slunk further into their seats. They weren’t sure they wanted this anymore. It was one thing to talk smart over a few beers at Smokey’s. It was a whole other matter to sass the boss’ face.
“Oh, and by the way,” Adolphious the Black continued. “Where are the refreshments you agreed to provide?” Mary watched steam wisp from Satan’s ears.
“You are an ungrateful, miserable, low-life nematoid,” growled Satan. “How dare you patronize me! I have given you everything you never wanted.”
“… and here we are,” Adolphious the Black agreed insolently.
Watching outbursts were important for navigating negotiations. Mary considered calling a caucus to calm Satan but decided to let him marinate in his own rage. Speaking of marinating, she had the munchies. Out from her beach bag, she slid a package of microwave popcorn. When Satan became livid, he jumped to his feet. Mary took advantage and placed her popcorn packet on his hot seat, ‘this side’ down.
Satan leapt down-range. Like caffeinated raccoons, most minions jumped on the table to return the favor, except one. Vladious the green avoided all physical contact while talking the most smack. Satan threw a punch. Surprised, Mary saw him deign to touch his oily underlings. As Mary watched, she realized he may be the prince and leader of the underworld, but he punched like a weenie. Still sporting a Viking Chieftain costume, Satan’s suede forearm lace loops caught the thin wrist of Adolphious the Black. Arms entwined, Black’s propinquity empowered a tighter grip on Satan. Scrambling onto his back, Black rode Satan bronco style. Black reached around and covered Satan’s eyes with his greasy little mitts.
Mary giggled like a 10-year-old. She opened her popcorn and enjoyed the show. This was going nowhere, fast. They were 1-question and 5-minutes into formal negotiations. Blinded, Satan flail-punched the air until all minions grew bored.
Mary checked the time and shouted, “caucus.” She picked up her things and stepped over bits of sheepskin wool, suede and several loose laces. It took a few minutes for Adolphious the Black and Satan to decouple. As she stood watching, she finished off her popcorn.
“Wait, what is caucus, again?” asked Stalinious the Red, in an attempt to monopolize the conversation while Satan’s wrath de-escalated. Red banked on Satan not interrupting Mary, if she was talking.
Miffed but professional, Mary hadn’t anticipated forgetfulness. “It means everybody stops. The side calling the caucus, leaves for a discussion. Since leadership called the caucus, we leave. You stay and wait until we return.”
The minions hid under their table. Satan was extra salty, as he and Mary exited.
The leadership caucus room ….
In their caucus room, Satan opened his mouth, ...
Mary cut him off, "stop. You must remain calm, regardless. You cannot let them get to you. Besides, yes, you did agree to provide refreshments.”
“The idea that I would provide anything for them is preposterous,” raved Satan “You did this without my permission. How dare you? I am Satan, the prince of …”
“Oh, shut up, you big baboon!” interrupted Mary. “I know exactly what you are.” Satan sat down, stunned. Nobody scolded him since… Well, he didn’t like it.
“I am not a baboon.” he mumbled. Satan was sitting in his chair with his bare arms crossed and scarred lips pointed, pouting like a little kid.
She ignored him. “In writing, you agreed to refreshments. Listen. What you provide is moot. We can provide something upscale to freak them out or go cheap to ruin their day. I recommend we change it up to keep them guessing. Let’s start with kindness and go from there. BTW, you greased your deerskin tunic from your little slow dance.”
Instantly, Satan detached from conversation and focused on his costume. His face melted. He rubbed it, made it worse, gave up and returned to the topic. “Why would I engage with those entitled spit wads?”
Mary knew Satan wouldn’t understand. “Long story short; both sides have issues. We pick priorities, discuss and compromise so both sides get 1-2 things. It should be a win-win situation so both sides are happy.”
“I don’t like that process. I want to win. Only I win,” stated Satan.
“Yes, but you must give to get,” soothed Mary. “We make it a game or manipulate the variables. We use something to get something. However, you cannot let them get to you. Whether on purpose or by accident, you must keep your temper. When you lose your temper, they win.”
“I can’t have that!” Satan interjected. He was about to go off when Mary stopped him.
“No,” Mary held her hand like a traffic cop. “What you do after I go, is not my concern. For now, let’s try strategies that work. Remember, God sent me to help you.”
“Yes, but why are you helping me?” asked Satan, curiously.
“Because God asked,” replied Mary, simply.
“That’s it?” Satan was hurt that Mary didn’t want to stay with him, in hell.
“Yes. God asked and that’s all I needed. I want to be with Him, first. last and always. I was taught hell is fire and brimstone. It’s not on my short list for eternity.”
“Yet you’ve discovered it’s not 100% fire and brimstone,” said Satan. “It’s warm and cozy.”
“Well,” hesitated Mary. She tiptoed around Satan’s fragile ego. “It’s not my style. I like light, water, happiness, good food, cold strong beer, dignity, respect and …”
Satan sensed pontification approaching and interrupted, “I must get with my marketing department. My current strategy is, ‘come to hell for one giant party.’ How can we rebrand this for your demographic?”
“My demographic?” Mary asked. Hell was an expensive opportunity cost. She wanted this project over, since heaven was waiting. “Whatever!” she added, “let’s get back to work.” He was wasting her time.
“Fine,” groused Satan. “I don’t like my time being wasted, either.” He watched for her reaction.
Demons cannot read thoughts, but they read patterns. Mary must be careful. She shifted gears, “for the love of all that is holy, let’s pretend to be calm,” said Mary. “First and lastly, please don’t get upset when they annoy you.”
“I don’t like it when they annoy me,” retorted Satan.
“I get it,” replied Mary. “However, the point of this exercise is to annoy and delay as long as possible, to get out of work. Do you believe this nonsense about ‘love for their fellow minions?’ Don’t! This is about comfy chairs and free snacks” She emphasized, “purposefully, they will poke you until you explode. Then, they brag to other minions, later. Ask yourself, in this scenario, who works for whom?”
Missing the point, he index-finger pounded the table, Satan declared, “they are still responsible for their quotas.”
“How can they meet quotas and negotiate at the same time? Anyway,” Mary ignored Satan, “there are things we can give that don’t hurt, while moving our chess pieces in the process. Are you ready? Let’s go …”
Satan agreed, “I do like chess.” Heaven had a queen already. But every prince is entitled to a princess. Since entering this new territory, perhaps he could seduce her with a title? She could manage his office as his fallen princess. He would massage her pride and see where this led. After all, possession was 9/10 of the law...
Concurrently, the minions in the negotiation room
Slouching around the table, they speculated. “What do you think they’re discussing?” asked Adolphious the Black.
“I don’t know, but it’s not good,” replied Hilarious the Yellow. “Did you see Satan face as he left?
“Yeah, pure wrath,” said Stalinious the Red. “But he can’t bite Mary’s head off. For some reason, he behaves with her. Why?”
“IDK, but he won’t hesitate to bite our heads!” declared Ebenezious the Orange.
“Usually, it’s my head. I’m the worst at recruiting souls,” said Hilarious the Yellow. “For an eternity, I’ve never met my quota. I’d rather rearrange parking-lot cars. They have some chill antiques out there these days.”
“Enough!” said Ebenezious the Orange. “We continue to wind-up Satan. We can all agree; he is entertaining. And BTW, call more caucuses. We need to drag this out.”
“As long as he’s not mad at you,” said Adolphious the Black, “I’m the sop who broke the unionizing news!”
“Let’s take our time,” continued Ebenezious the Orange. “But beware if he pretends to give us things, to fake-care about us.”
Stalinious the Red burst out laughing, “Satan, care about us? That’s funny?”
“He thrives on making the universe miserable,” responded Ebenezious the Orange. “Why else was he kicked out of heaven? BTW, how is Mary impervious to him? Maybe we ask her?”
“Let’s focus,” said Adolphious the Black. “When they come back, I’ll do the talking.”
Vladious the Green, embracing his inner avoidance, said, “We’ve got your back 100%. We’ll support you during this whole process.” Gladly, the others nodded in agreement.
Composed, Satan sailed back into the negotiation room with Mary and sat down. Mary announced refreshments would be provided the next day. Then she pulled out her files, preparing to start.
“We want to caucus now,” Adolphious the Black announced. The minions scampered back to their caucus room and slammed the door.
Satan was miffed. “Can they do that?” he asked.
“Yes,” whispered Mary. “We, too, may caucus as a tactic to maintain momentum during negotiations.”
“What refreshments are you providing us, tomorrow?” asked Satan.
“Since I’m not stationed here, how would I know their likes and dislikes?” Mary attempted to dodge the assignment.
“Well, ask ... what’s his name, that bumbling butler Valentino. He has a handle on everything,” said Satan. “But no beer!” he added.
“Yes, sir but his name is Virgil.” Mary saluted him. She had no intention of serving beer, yet.
IN THE MINIONS CAUCUS ROOM …….
“Why call a caucus?” asked Ebenezious the Orange.
“Because I could?” replied Adolphious the Black. “Besides, it drives Satan nuts, wondering. He’s too calm right now.”
“Are you sure you want to upset him so soon?” asked Hilarious the Yellow.
“What’s the worst that can happen?” asked Vladious. “We’re already here.”
“IDK, but I’d rather not find out.” Ebenezious the Orange concluded.
“It’s dry in here and I’m thirsty,” said Vladious the Green. “I need beer.”
“Let’s get back on track and discuss our plan,” said Adolphious the Black. “Who has the copy of our proposals? Oh, that’s right—nobody!” Black glared.
“You’re the mastermind, here,” sassed Vladious the Green.
“Never mind,” said Adolphious the Black. “Let’s just get out there.”
“I’m not ready,” cowered Hilarious the Yellow. “Someone else sit across from him this time. Vladious the Green, it’s your turn. Make weird eye contact to distract him.”
“Good idea,” said Adolphious the Black. “Let’s switch seats.”
With mischievous smiles, the minions scurried into the negotiation room for more fireworks.
THE NEGOTIATING ROOM……
“I see we are ready to start,” smiled Satan, drawing out his words. Mary was relieved that he took the lead.
“We the minions, have given you 800+ pages of agenda items. We would like you to give us everything, for which we have asked,” Adolphious the Black stated diplomatically. Mary noticed they switched seats but not name cards, what amateurs!
Satan appeared engaging. What did Mary say to him? “Getting everything you want, may not meet your self-actualization needs,” sneered Satan.
“The purpose of negotiations is to achieve better conditions for both sides,” announced Adolphious the Black.
“In theory, yes.” Satan agreed. “Proceed, I am willing to listen to your concerns.”
“Since it’s hot,” said Adolphious the Black, “we request ice water.”
Satan pretended to think. He leaned to Mary and whispered, “This is something we said we would give, right?”
Mary whispered back, “Yes, but do not let them be involved in how it is provided.”
Satan announced, “I am willing to let you have ice water. How do you want it?”
Mary threw her hands in the air. “Caucus!” She stormed into the leadership room. On her way she prayed, ‘Come Holy Spirit!’
Clueless, Satan got up and followed. Of course, he left with every pomp and circumstance as he played recessional music in his head.
THE MANAGEMENT CAUCUS ROOM….
She slammed the door and lit into Satan. “Why did you say that?” She wanted to add ‘you stupid nimrod.’ “Why couldn’t you agree to ice water and stop talking?”
“What?” asked Satan, acting innocent. “I don’t understand. What’d I do?”
Mary scolded and whispered to prevent eavesdropping, “if the minions didn’t have control-ideas before, they do now!”
“Why didn’t you stop me?” asked Satan. “I thought you were here to help?”
“I AM!” At the mention of His name, Mary looked upward to Dad and prayed. Then she looked at Satan, “you have to let me help. I can’t read minds, especially not yours.”
“Well, you should start,” said Satan. “How do you plan to fix this?”
“I’ll come up with something,” said Mary sternly. Was Satan toying with her too? Mary got out her finger and weaponized it in his face. “Now listen up, Mr. Mephistopheles; when you return, you will agree or disagree only. You must never mention details. Do you understand?”
“Alright,” said the distracted Satan. He was bored. He discovered a mirror and readjusted his sheepskin to hide the new bald spots. He ignored everything she said. Now she knew how God felt. Few listened to Him or followed His commandments. Then, they blamed Him when their lives went south.
“Get back in there,” demanded Mary. “And do the right thing!”
THE NEGOTIATING ROOM ……
When Satan and Mary returned, the minions were arguing. She didn’t care why. She had been here for 2-3 days. What is that, in dog years? At least in childbirth, joy comes with the new baby. She contemplated potential lessons but discerned nothing — wait, gratitude? The minions quit bickering and sat down.
“What about ice water?” demanded Adolphious the Black.
“We have already agreed to ice water,” replied Satan. Satan glanced at Mary, as if to say, how will you take care of this mess?
“Yes, but how are you going to give us the water?” asked Adolphious the Black.
“You will be given pitchers of ice water,” replied Mary.
“Caucus!” growled Satan as he left. Mary followed behind and pulled the door shut.
“I’ll bet she’s going to get it now,” gloated Hilarious the Yellow.
“Did you say bet? Water or Satan’s wrath ...” asked Vladious the Green, figuring the odds. “How much are you wagering?”
“What’s the next thing we want?” asked Ebenezious the Orange. He ignored Green.
“Free beer,” replied Stalinious the Red, not wanting beer to fall off their agenda.
“Since he’s a 'Viking' today, ask for their Super Bowl win,” said Hilarious the Yellow.
“We’d make a killing!” Vladious the Green butted-in. “Everyone would bet against Minnesota.”
“No, that’s not a priority right now and the day is almost over,” said Ebenezious the Black. “What do you say we call it a day and celebrate our victory at Smokey’s?” suggested Adolphious the Black. “Then, Ebenezious the Orange can buy us a few rounds.”
“Who said I was buying?” defended Ebenezious the Orange.
“I did!” replied Adolphious the Black. “You owe for an eternity of rounds, you tightwad!”
IN THE MANAGEMENT CAUCUS ROOM...
“What did you mean, we give them pitchers of ice water?” Satan ranted. “How dare you promise pitchers? Do you know how big hell is? Where do I get all those pitchers? Where do I get icccce?!” Satan hissed. “My job is abuse, not vice versa.”
Mary ignored his rants, as she planned her conversation with Dad this evening. She wasn’t staying long, so best not to invest. However, Satan liked attention, so ignoring him could backfire. Mary was picturing Sera’s lemonade, when she felt Satan’s stare.
“You’re not listening.” Satan seethed in her ear. The hair on the back of Mary’s neck stood.
“Nope,” replied Mary. “First, you are annoying. Second, you’d get more with kindness and gratitude. Why levy impossible quotas, then beat the unsuccessful?”
“Kindness!” Satan gagged on a woolen air ball. “Melissa, first of all, they’re minions. Second, those five snot-rags are slothful. It’s a deadly sin, ever hear of it? Sloth?
“You hypocrite, as you wallow in your Pride, Envy, Wrath and Greed!” replied Mary. Stan retreated. “Anyway, I have an idea. Is that why we are caucusing?”
Satan coughed up the floater, swallowed hard, then bit his tongue. “Can I have some of your water?”
Mary pulled a new bottle from her beach bag and handed it to him. “Speaking of ‘pitchers,’ I need to try something, but it might work,” replied Mary. Anyway, let’s go back in and dismiss for today. “BTW, about refreshments tomorrow, the only thing you don’t want served is beer, right?”
In the mirror, Satan adjusted his helmet sideways, imaging a new unicorn costume. He replied with an affirmative grunt.
“Enough,” said Mary disgusted, “let’s go.”
BACK IN THE NEGOTIATION ROOM…
The minions sat quietly in their chairs, dignified. Satan didn’t notice but Mary didn’t like it. If they had sleeves, something slimy would be hiding up them. They had switched seats again, but this time, they remembered to rearrange their name cards. Smiling courteously, Mary and Satan took their seats. Mary was amused that they were at least trying.
“It has been decided that you will receive pitchers of ice water,” said Mary. All minions cheered, while jumping up and down. ‘Oopsies!’—thought Mary. Teams never display emotion during negotiations. Celebrating was reserved for caucuses.
Satan was irritated. He hated glee. He was about to say something, when Mary glared his thoughts away. Satan wasn’t used to being told what to do, but Mary was perceptive. She demonstrated her effectiveness. Satan would devise a way to convince her to stay. He had no idea who lived in hell, and it was time for a census. She was the perfect choice to get it done.
While Satan daydreamed, he toyed with a minion’s agenda item: poker tournaments. He pegged the green one, Vladious, for a pushover.
Mary reassessed the room. Again, Satan was lost in a mirror, the minions were tired from their victory dance, and she wanted to go be with her Dad.
Mary spoke, “it’s late, let’s call it a day.” The minions turned in unison to get Satan’s approval. In the mirror, Satan was comparing nose-hair lengths.
Mary announced, “Meeting adjourned, please be back tomorrow at the same time.”
“With refreshments!” Ebenezious the Orange reminded, as they scattered…
MANAGEMENT CAUCUS ROOM….
“I was thinking donuts,” said Mary, “with ice water.”
“Donut holes would be better,” snapped Satan. Mary gave him the evil eye. She wondered, was it was a sin?
He backed off. “Fine, fine,” said Satan.
“Are you sure?” asked Mary, “I don’t want any problems, tomorrow.”
“The presence or absence of problems depends entirely on them.” Satan emphasized, “I don’t want them getting comfortable.”
“Agreed,” said Mary. “Routinely, we use fresh donuts and ice water.” “We start with good bakery as we cross off agenda items. As we finish our list, we use day-old, or tossables.”
“What a great idea,” said Satan thoughtfully. “I always have such good ideas.” Mary wondered, is a good idea in hell, still a good idea?
“You have great ideas!” replied Mary with sus enthusiasm.
“I’m leaving now. There are many important things to do,” Satan vanished.
How rude, thought Mary. No thank you. She gathered her files as Virgil appeared.
“His Intolerableness, the master of the netherworld, has sent me to assist you,” said Virgil, as he bowed politely. “I understand I am to discuss refreshments with you.”
“Good evening, Virgil! How are you? Yes please! When you get a chance, would you be so kind as to secure fresh donuts and ice water for tomorrow’s negotiations?” Mary asked, “is such a thing possible in hell?”
“Yes, Madam Mary.” Virgil asked hesitantly, “are you sure His Slipperiness will agree to this?” Virgil was impressed at Mary’s courtesy.
“Yes Sir. I am fully aware of his propensity for selective memory loss.” replied Mary, smiling at Virgil. “I will take full responsibility for repercussions.” She could not detract from Satan’s character. It might get back to him. In hell, nobody was trusted.
“Yes Ma’am, if you’re sure,” bowed Virgil. He waited to be dismissed.
“I’m thinking of an unlimited supply of donuts. Good donuts,” added Mary. “I don’t suspect Satan will consume anything.”
“I suppose not,” said Virgil. “It might make His Impertinence fat.”
“Virgil, thank you, so very much,” said Mary sincerely. “BTW, I supply my own refreshments.”
“Brilliant. And you are most welcome, Ma’am,” said Virgil, smiling.
Virgil felt soreness in his smile muscles. He couldn’t remember the last time he used them. Mary put her files in order and left to see the Dad of all dads.
THAT EVENING – IN HELL
At Smokey’s, the minions gloated over their victory. After all, Satan caved to their first demand on the first full day. They were bragging to everyone who would listen.
Smokey shook his head as he watched the sandbagging. Other minions were forced to pick up their slack and weren’t happy. Adolphious the Black, pretended Satan was wrapped around his finger, as the minions slurped and burped their disgusting beer.
“What do we ask for tomorrow?” Vladious the Green asked.
“Let’s get Satan drunk! Then we get everything and become heroes,” offered Stalinious the Red.
“What a moron,” said Ebenezious the Orange. “Satan doesn’t drink. He says it causes nasal rosacea. Satan is about appearances.”
“Why don’t we ask to eliminate ATM fees?” asked Hilarious the Yellow. “Especially, on the urinals.”
“On the off-chance that Satan agrees to anything, we need more items lined-up,” advised Adolphious the Black, “The longer Satan is busy, the fewer souls we torture.”
“About quotas,” snorted Ebenezious the Orange, “Satan doesn’t have quotas. They’re elastic. He makes it up as he goes. Like him, we fake like we know what we’re doing.”
“Like Satan would buy that,” said Vladious the Green. “I think Mary is a snake. She can’t be trusted. Who brings popcorn to a fistfight?”
“Of course not, you peabrain,” spat Ebenezious the Orange. “This is Hell, nobody can be trusted. I don’t trust you.”
“That’s a sad thing to say about your best friend,” whined Vladious the Green.
“You’re not his best friend! I am!” corrected Stalinious the Red.
“No, you’re not, I am!” insisted Gustavius. He got up from a corner chair.
The 5 minions turned to see a giant come at them. Four of them turned to stare at Ebenezious the Orange. Smokey foresaw another fight brewing. And so, it went.
Smokey missed earth, where normal beings went home at night, to sleep.
THE ROAD TO HEAVEN
Every time Mary left hell, it was similar to leaving a communist country. What a relief! While on the way to God’s office, Mary ran into St Tech and hugged him. He was carrying downhill skis. She was becoming aware of heaven’s myriads of activities.
“Mary, Mary, Mary,” he said. “How’s the tower working? How’s Satan?”
“The tower is great, but Satan’s a donkey’s hat!” replied Mary and then blushed. “I can’t wait to finish. Hell is infinite evil.”
“I understand completely.” said St Tech. “It shouldn’t be too much longer. I can’t imagine Satan allowing this charade forever. His attention span is a the length of a spent match. Besides, he’s losing ground with soul counts.”
Mary observed, “nice skis! Where do you ski around here?”
“Wherever God drops snow,” replied St Tech. “St Joseph made these skis for my height. He’s talented. You should see him with power tools! Well, I’ll be seeing you soon!” They hugged and he left with a thumbs up.
What does he know? Mary continued to God’s office. As she entered, Sera smiled and told her to go right in. It was holy ground, so Mary removed her shoes. Her Creator was sitting outside on the deck. He was getting less and less blurry each time. His form was that of a well-adjusted old guy enjoying his retirement, with infinite class. She got on her knees. He motioned her to come and sit by Him. Being that He was God, she obeyed.
God spoke first, “give it to me straight. We have forever, so empty your heart.”
“You saw the whole nightmare. I prayed to you, Dad and for the Holy Spirit,” Mary countered.
God smiled knowingly, “tell me what you discerned.” Mary listed her top two realizations of the day.
“I saw you give him the evil eye,” said God. “It was righteous anger, appropriate for the situation. Very Old Testament of you.”
Mary agreed, “that was for his selective memory loss. He makes everything take longer.”
“Think it’ll be different tomorrow?” asked God.
“No Dad,” replied Mary. “Satan is Satan. He’s going to win no matter what, and the minions will pay in the end. I’ve seen smarter boxes of rocks.”
“Don’t be fooled,” God advised. “You’ve only observed a fraction of his evil. His talents lie in recruiting, not back-end organization where you are stationed. Also, have you noticed he is a tad narcissistic?”
Mary asked, “have you counted the mirrors I’ve hung?”
“Just a little longer and purgatory will be over,” said God. He gazed out over the calm water.
“Purgatory,” repeated Mary. “I suspected it all along, but wasn’t sure. What else could it have been?” She considered, “so many religions deny its existence. Bible chapters removed…”
“When humans make rules, it doesn’t make they’re correct,” replied God.
Mary discerned. “I knew there was an afterlife, but I figured it differently.”
God asked, “When did you know there was an afterlife?”
Mary was pensive, “once I saw the good disappearing, I knew someone was trying to crowd You out. In the beginning, the angels, Mary and all the saints; were gifted with free will. Some angels fell, who in turn led Adam and Eve to fall, and many humans thereafter. The earth is a testing ground. Once we find You, we need nothing else. There is no other answer.”
God asked, “and what did you tell those why deny Me or demand proof?”
Mary eyed Him, He already knew everything. She sighed, “Love. Love is proof. Love crowds out evil. That’s why we are asked to love both You and neighbor. If we did, imagine how great the earth could be. You are that Love.
“Miss Mary, go find yourself a nice quiet beach with waves, somewhere no one can disturb you,” suggested God. Mary realized God was preparing her for tomorrow. “Sera will assign you a locker, and give you a welcome packet,” said God. “You don’t need a lock, but that’s where you’ll find all equipment for upcoming events.
“Thank you!” gushed Mary. “Will I see You tomorrow for a daily drama debrief?” She made air quotes as she said the word drama.
“Yes. BTW, tomorrow will be entertaining,” said God with a twinkle in His eye. What else could she expect from the devil's daycare?
“Thank You!” said Mary hesitantly. God was all-knowing and all-powerful; yet it never occurred to her it covered everything that happened in hell.
With that, Sera and Mary left God’s office to assign her welcome packet and forever-locker. In it was a map. Sera gave her snacks and drinks and directed her to the best beaches. At the beach, she read her “Welcome to Heaven” packet and enjoyed the most glorious sunset ever — Dad was just showing off. She toasted Him, His artistic sunsets and called it a day.
< See below link for Chapter 23: “When in hell, the day doesn’t matter” >
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Chapter 2: Jerking Satan’s Chain & the burning laptop
Chapter 3: “Hmm …. I guess I read that wrong”
Chapter 4: The devil is in the details
Chapter 5: And what was it they wanted to organize?
Chapter 6: Nothing is ever good enough
Chapter 7: What could be worse?
Chapter 9: It’s all in the sales pitch
Chapter 11: Just the first day
Chapter 12: Let’s get comfortable
Chapter 14: The 2nd day & who is messing with whom?
Chapter 15: The meeting of the minds—to waste
Chapter 16: The minions in the Caucus Room
Chapter 17: Stop & smell the roses
Chapter 18: Same evening, different place or the mindless are meeting
Chapter 19: Paper, Rock or Scissors
Chapter 20: My issues are stupider than yours!
Chapter 21: You have the right to remain silent
Chapter 22: Let the stupidity begin
Chapter 23: When in hell, it doesn’t matter what day it is
Chapter 24: Insolence at its finest
Chapter 25: Striking for the hell of it
Chapter 26: The signing ceremony
Chapter 27: Mary’s contingency is fulfilled
Science cannot explain suffering. As Lay Passionist and nurse, she challenges modern health care assumptions; contraception, abortion, euthanasia, herd immunity and more. Behind every health dilemma, God asks us to abide in Him. Author of 7 books & >20 peer-reviewed nursing journal articles; she also writes as "The Catholic Nurse" on Substack, see "Archives." She is a veteran of the Army Nurse Corps. Her primary charism is mercy through which she explores redemptive suffering, spiritual healing and the joy of bringing of souls to God.
