NEGOTIATING HELL: a sequel to CS Lewis' "Screwtape Letters." Ch 7 -"What could be worse?"
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Five fallen angels sat at the negotiation table, awaiting fireworks. Satan entered first, followed by God’s union consultant, Mary. The minions’ eyes widened and jaws dropped. “Who’s she?” blurted Black, indignantly.
“This is my assistant, Martha,” replied Satan. “Say hello to my assistant.”
“Hello to my assistant,” the minions repeated in unison.
Mary smiled and interjected, “Hello, Gentlemen. However, I believe a correction is in order.”
“Whoopsies," said Satan. "Her name is May. Or was it, Maya?” Satan scratched his Shakespearean goatee as his maroon and silver-striped balloon-shorts deflated.
Mary glared at him, waiting for him to say her name, ‘Mary.’
Everyone stared at Satan. He tried again, “Maeve? Mavis? Molly? Maris? Mariah? Myrna? Muriel? Mae? Marta? Megan? Martina? Maren? Did it start with an M or was it a ….?”
Orange interrupted Satan, “is it Mary?” Satan looked dubious. “It’s Mary, ha -- that’s rich! I thought we were never allowed to speak that word in your presence. Why won’t you say her name?”
Satan tried again, “Ma … Reeve. Her name is Ma-Reeve. She is here to assist with negotiations,” said Satan.
“Mary-Mary-Mary,” they sang in her honor.
Orange interrupted, “now, wait a minute! How come he gets an assistant …?” the minion asked Mary while pointing at Satan.
Satan interrupted, “because I am too busy running hell to participate in this nonsense. Maria here, is helping to squash you buglets,” replied Satan. “Or if you prefer, mealy-mouthed minions.”
“We want a Mary person,” declared the black minion. “Or is it pronounced Merry with an e?”
“Nope, it’s Mary spelled M-A-R-Y. You know, like the mother of God,” announced Mary with honor. Satan cringed. He fumed but remembered Mary’s advice -- no crashing out!
Satan smirked, “surely, there are personnel-pawns here in hell. If they agree to help you, be my guest." Virgil incinerated their cell-door keys after Satan sentenced them to solitary confinement. Satan was supercilious. The look on his face read, ‘I know something you don’t know.’ Meanwhile, his brain sang, ‘nah nah nah nah nah!’
The black minion countered, “we just might. Until then, what next, Miss Mary?”
Satan was torched. “Negotiations were your idea! If you don’t know what’s next, then why in our-hell are we meeting?” Satan stood up, leaned forward on the desk. He projected an authoritative-aura, inches from the black minion’s face. Since donning new white tights, they must be on backwards. Everything about him, was in a bunch. Moreover, his primping and pluming time was eliminated. He was about to leave, when Mary cleared her throat. She shot Satan a look of, “oh no you don’t,” and soothed his minions …
“Gentlemen, I understand your requests for better working conditions.” Well good luck, she thought, but continued. “Perhaps, I can be of assistance. To be clear, my role is to advise Satan. However, I can simplify guidelines and explain the process. Arcane as it appears, it has benefits.”
“We have benefits?” asked Black. “You’re witnesses, you all heard that!”
A jaundiced minion jumped on the table near Mary to initiate a time-out. “Miss Mary, what is arcane?”
Irritated, Satan turned toward him, eye-to-eye. “Who are you? Never mind, I don’t care,” Satan being Satan, could drag this out for eons.
Holy Spirit Come! Everyone stared at her, waiting for a definition. Suddenly, Mary felt and smelled a salty breeze. It urged her -- use attitudes as leverage.
Mary cleared her throat, “arcane means covert, enigmatic or mysterious.” Their eyebrows furrowed more. Mary regrouped, “perhaps we should discuss the process. I’m sure Satan has better things to do, but let’s all sit and start over.” She waited for them to relax, breathe and exhale. She breathed-in Satan’s exhalation and she reminded herself to bring a scented candle, breath mints or gum for him. Or all 3!
She continued, “each team’s task is to deliver documents, files, computer printouts, supplies and office equipment needed to create a final contract with which we can all live. The minions looked at each other, nodding and saying, ‘yeah, we got stuff, too.’ Mary knew then and there that these fallen angels were doomed.
Satan agreed, “Maisie is correct, I have no intention of wasting my valuable time. I won’t allow this to carry on for centuries.” Mary shivered, remembering her eternity was at risk. She flashbacked to negotiations from a max-security-facility. Prison guard-negotiations dragged out past contract expirations and became a repeating loop. Over her dead body, would she be staying her that long!
The minions looked at each other. Black boasted, “Okay Miss Know-it-all, who are you, from where did you come and why are you here?”
Satan looked at Mary, then at the black one and said sternly, “I found her and it is none of your business from where. Again, there are HR souls here in hell. Go get your own expert.”
Mary mused. On earth, demons tempted HR staff into addictions. Why would condemned HR addicts help their tempters?
The minions whispered amongst themselves. Red asked, “where do we find one? After all, hell is a big place.”
“They are on block 13,” replied Satan helpfully. “They were banished for one billion years or until I change my mind. I might allow 1-2 of them to assist you, if you request them and they are willing.”
The minions weren’t buying it. Red asked the green minion, “where’s block 13?”
Green decreed rudely, “well, if you don’t know, I’m not telling you.”
Red rebutted, “well, if you don’t know, ‘Booger-face,’ just say so,” equally as rude.
After a silence, Black asked Mary, “what do we do until then?”
“Without due respect, Satan, my name is not Maise, it’s Mary,” she said as he recoiled. To the others, she listed, “please listen closely to these steps. They are a fair and respectful method to process communications during discussions.”
The minions stared at Mary, then Satan. Confused, they looked back and forth at each other. Satan never showed fairness. This wasn’t normal and they were confused. “We get breaks?” asked the astounded Orange.
“And lunch!” Green rubbed his hands with glee.
Satan’s face reddened as he prepared a lugubrious launch into anger. Mary jumped in first, to answer the questions.
“Yes, you do. Also,” Mary continued, “before we start, we must set ground rules. Both sides suggest rules to guide behaviors and agreed upon start/stop times. Each side has the right to speak freely—and not be interrupted.” Mary peeked at Satan, who was acting like he had never hurt a soul. “If both sides cannot agree, we must negotiate a compromise.” Mary looked at Satan again, “Is there anything I have forgotten?” she asked him.
“No. You addressed every issue,” pronounced Satan decisively. He must stop her from handing-out perks to these traitors.
They began to dig this Mary-person. She made Satan behave. Satan was never this generous. Black, sensing the upper hand, whispered they should draw out the process. Green launched a betting pool on how long they could milk negotiations. They wanted to enjoy this feeling forever.
Suddenly, Virgil appeared at the hall door on a golf-gator, pulling a flatbed trailer. It was furniture for the minion’s morgue-and-caucus room. Mary panicked. Previously, she was responsible for arranging furniture, coffee, caucus rooms, etc. She fumbled control, or had she? Holy Spirit come! Virgil backed the trailer in, dropped off the furniture and left, smiling and waving at Mary.
She sensed the Holy Spirit. Mary announced, “Caucus! I have an idea…”
Satan overruled her by yelling, “Dismissed!” He didn’t want Mary promising anything.
Mary countered his challenge, “Satan has a great idea. The rest of today will be spent moving your furniture, arranging caucus rooms and discussing private strategies. Thank you, Gentlemen, for allowing me the special privilege of meeting you, today.” She stood up, bowed and smiled warmly.
Smiling back, the minions stood and immediately began jumping on the furniture, with obvious glee.
After meeting with the 5, Mary summed their collective IQs to double digits. Nevertheless, they were happy, for now. Despite condemnation, Virgil and the naughty angels were grateful. She must trust the Holy Spirit more. When in hell, one must take one’s wins, wherever one can.
Still in the automotive air-filter neck-brace and feathers, Satan excused himself to raise hell. Mary was free to mount more mirrors, design data base spreadsheets in the St Techno-towers and tie other loose ends for God. Mercifully, her 8-hours flew fast. Outside, she skipped to her elevator which lifted her up into heaven, in a joyous state of gratitude.
< See below link for Chapter 16: “The Caucus Room minions” >
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Chapter 2: Jerking Satan’s Chain & the burning laptop
Chapter 3: “Hmm …. I guess I read that wrong”
Chapter 4: The devil is in the details
Chapter 5: And what was it they wanted to organize?
Chapter 6: Nothing is ever good enough
Chapter 7: What could be worse?
Chapter 9: It’s all in the sales pitch
Chapter 11: Just the first day
Chapter 12: Let’s get comfortable
Chapter 14: The 2nd day & who is messing with whom?
Chapter 15: The meeting of the minds—to waste
Chapter 16: The minions in the Caucus Room
Chapter 17: Stop & smell the roses
Chapter 18: Same evening, different place or the mindless are meeting
Chapter 19: Paper, Rock or Scissors
Chapter 20: My issues are stupider than yours!
Chapter 21: You have the right to remain silent
Chapter 22: Let the stupidity begin
Chapter 23: When in hell, it doesn’t matter what day it is
Chapter 24: Insolence at its finest
Chapter 25: Striking for the hell of it
Chapter 26: The signing ceremony
Chapter 27: Mary’s contingency is fulfilled
Science cannot explain suffering. As Lay Passionist and nurse, she challenges modern health care assumptions; contraception, abortion, euthanasia, herd immunity and more. Behind every health dilemma, God asks us to abide in Him. Author of 7 books & >20 peer-reviewed nursing journal articles; she also writes as "The Catholic Nurse" on Substack, see "Archives." She is a veteran of the Army Nurse Corps. Her primary charism is mercy through which she explores redemptive suffering, spiritual healing and the joy of bringing of souls to God.
