NEGOTIATING HELL: a sequel to CS Lewis' "Screwtape Letters." Ch 13

NEGOTIATING HELL: a sequel to CS Lewis' "Screwtape Letters." Ch 13 - "Day #1 debrief"

Mary breathed in God’s glory as she entered His waiting room.

Rewinding today and foreseeing the next few days was traumatizing. Not only must she learn the minions, their weaknesses, keep track of proposals and more; she might need to inflate Satan’s bloated ego. He was exhausting.

Sera smiled and waved at Mary to come in. Sera wore St Laurent-sunglasses. Lifting 5 fingers to signify 5 minutes, Sera pointed Mary to the rocking chair. As Mary rocked back and forth, her momentum synced to seascape waves in God’s live wall art.

Mary was not in a good place. She needed a plan. Satan was impossible because he didn’t listen. Worse, she didn’t know his true personality. As she sat, Mary watched Sera work as her mind drifted. God’s efficient seraph tapped a keyboard. Mary wondered, on what correspondence? More importantly, who corresponded with God?

Sera announced that God was ready for her. Mary smiled, nodded and wondered how Sera knew details. Heading into God’s office, she removed her shoes and genuflected. Mary saw her veiled Dad working hard at his desk, it was on something complicated. God pointed her toward 2 deck chairs outside, overlooking a sapphire sea. Mary looked shocked. God escorted Mary to a chaise lounge, as He saw Mary’s confusion.

“What?” asked God, smiling at her.

“I never meme’d you, slaving at a desk,” said Mary.

“You fancied me in flowing robes with a sea-splitting staff, like Moses?” asked God.

“Charlton Heston nails it in The Ten Commandments,” laughed Mary as both sat, settled and sighed.

“Nobody memes me relaxing on a beach,” shared God. “I created beaches and sunsets — for us. For this exact moment, right now. You, Mary, are the light of my life. If you liked mountains, this moment would be ruggedly differently. We’d be chair-lifting over the Cheranganies. Nature has good things, right? But that’s actually backwards thinking. Created things have no value. Only beings matter. Where are my manners,” God said. “May I offer you a beverage?” Mary nodded.

God continued, “in 2003, humans mapped the entire human genome, right? Wrong. Frustrated at decoding about 2% of DNA, geneticists couldn’t explain 98% of DNA and its vast unknowns. They named it ‘junk DNA’ because it doesn’t code for proteins. Why, are proteins a false god?"

“Junk DNA” is illogical for 2 reasons. Its absence is lethal and I don’t make junk. Might that be where Jesus, the Spirit and I dwell? Might that be how we animate and inspire sanctified-beings until it’s time to come home? Consider the verb ‘to be," the word ‘being’ and my title ‘I AM.’ If human bodies are temples in which We dwell, doesn’t that explain image, likeness and why remains are buried in holy ground?”

Mary attempted a Venn diagram in her head. “So, the 5th commandment means if I purposefully hurt myself, I hurt You?”

God was sad, “more than you know.”

Sunglass-shaded-Sera appeared with drinks. Today’s lemonades were mulled in spearmint. Pomegranate seeds were encased in little floating icebergs.

“Sera doesn’t wear sunglasses to be rude,” explained God. “It’s math.” Mary had a lot to learn.

Sera offered, “some residents here have bigger bandwidth for the beatific vision. As a result, working around Dad’s glory 24/7 gets pretty bright. Based on degrees-of-holiness achieved, we receive corresponding shares in Dad’s brilliance,” Sera smiled.

God interjected, “plus a few decimal places from Team-Trinity, to check the ‘hundredfold’ box.”

Sera continued, “when some wear shades, it signifies above-average achievements. Remember the Our Father? We are forgiven as we forgive. Everything is precise math, in every direction.” She winked goodbye and disappeared.

Mary’s brain bulged. She loved math ... if humans limit 360 degrees to describe a circle, and 100 to define percentages; how does that translate in heaven with its infinite dimensions? Wow — she needed to wrap-up her project and get to her afterlife soon.

“Enough about us. How was your day?” asked God, as He sipped. His color-contrasting drink sparkled in His brightness.

“Not to ruin the vibe,” Mary hesitated, sipping, “but if I’m honest, it was difficult. Dad, I did not have PTSD until today. Are you sure I am right for this? I am afraid, I need to — wow, this is really good lemonade,” Mary interrupted herself and sipped again. “I love Sera! Anyway, I’m sorry to insist on answers. But Satan isn’t going to change. You know this. What’s the purpose of this exercise? Or in more selfish terms, what’s in it for me?”

“We’ll get there,” replied God, matter-of-factly. “It’s a project we are doing together. But more importantly, it keeps Satan occupied while I focus on other things. Things like moving mountains, multiplying food at potluck church events, growing mustard trees, hearing prayers and redirecting souls. We have more in common than beaches, my loving Mary. We both want gratitude from others. Gratitude stems from humility, which comes from within.”

“Thank you, today was about gratitude, makes sense,” Mary exhaled. “Was Sera a messenger angel? She mentioned degrees-of-holiness right on cue. Is that antonymous to degrees-of-neediness, speak of the devil?”

God smiled, “You capture perfectly, the story of the fall. Satan drags souls down by satisfying wants, which leads to emptiness. We lift them up by satisfying needs, which brings opportunities for gratitude and humility.” There was a long silence.

“What she left behind,” quoted Mary, “must be relived.” She remembered the published diary of a 1920’s normal, healthy 17-year-old orphan girl who spent her life locked in a mental institution. Mary asked herself, am I here to revisit mistakes and attachments? Ouch — in spicy-hot hell with Satan’s sulfuric, methane breath and other 'trappings'? Ironically, her agenda with God today was to negotiate improved working conditions. But He turned the tables on her. He was asking her to open more ugly doors. She wasn’t sure she was ready. How does one say no to God?

“You won’t,” said God.

“Sorry?” asked Mary.

“My sweet Mary. I asked your parents, specifically, to name you Mary, why?” He sipped. “With absolute knowledge comes absolute understanding. You’re understanding is not yet absolute. You’re getting the aftertaste of Eve’s apple, all rancid and rotten. Too many people today are nose-ring led. The more they use AI to posture and please others; the more they forfeit greatness. Meanwhile, Satan appears 'fun' to souls, at first. As he acquires a feel for souls’ weaknesses, as does Google; he wears at them toward their soul’s demise. You ask, why you? Here’s it is. Your career is negotiations. So is his. I need you to witness how he maligns my beautiful beings. It’s a painful process to watch.”

“First, why? Second, how does this bring absolute knowledge?” Mary asked. “I have no power, except to advise and plant thoughts in his fat, egotistical head.”

“I accept! You both have the same job description,” God continued. “You both speak the same language. You can negotiate with him as few others can. You came in today prepared to wear Me down, right?” Mary looked dubious. “I’m asking you to wear him down. Until you achieve absolute understanding, only you can crack his brash, bashing-boss mode.” Mary winced. “The Spirit will guide you.”

Mary spat facts, “Satan doesn’t listen.”

“It’s best to tune him out while laying traps and snares,” said God. “That’s how he operates. He doesn’t use golden nooses. Nor should you.

He can’t stop souls from going to Holy Mass. His goal is distractions. Look at the ragweed he sows in foyer front yards. Then during the consecration, listen to the sneezing, kleenex-fumbling and nose blowing.

He loves souls to join church groups. It’s the perfect breeding ground for gossip, detraction, anger, envy, grudges and self-righteousness.

Everything he does is to plant something or someone between a soul and Me. One of his many mottos is ‘Anything, but God’.”

Mary thought, “Your plan is good in theory, but what of barriers? Satan perceives I don’t pay absolute attention to him. It’s cuz I can’t stand him! Worse, he won’t engage in the negotiation process,” said Mary, getting down to business.

“If you were him, would you waste time on the powerless? What can he lose that he hasn’t already lost? Besides, you have yet to meet his minions,” God reminded her. “Satan craves control, yet can never achieve greatness. He’s already lost. You are in a no-win situation, so don’t try. Think bigger, and you have already won.”

“If I have already won, why am I there?” asked Mary, unsatisfied.

“Let me put it this way,” explained the concealed face of God. “What is the devil not doing when he perseverates over labor union minutia?” He licked his lemony lips and exhaled the finest fragrance of forever.

Mary didn’t understand, but her Dad did. Tomorrow was day #2 in hell. While this journey felt unhealthy, perhaps its purpose was repairing her past. He would guide her from problem to solution. Trusting in Dad, was her only solution. Tomorrow, she and the Holy Spirit would double-team Satan in full-focus-mode …

< See below link for Chapter 14: “Day #2 & who messes with whom?” >

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Chapter 1: Talking to a wall

Chapter 2: Jerking Satan’s Chain & the burning laptop

Chapter 3: “Hmm …. I guess I read that wrong”

Chapter 4: The devil is in the details

Chapter 5: And what was it they wanted to organize?

Chapter 6: Nothing is ever good enough

Chapter 7: What could be worse?

Chapter 8: The learning curve

Chapter 9: It’s all in the sales pitch

Chapter 10: Uh, huh?