A daydream

It’s comfortable physically where I sit. I’m in a quiet house. The kids are asleep. The husband is working. The room is dark except the light of the Christmas tree, which is nice. I recognize that home really feels like home when there is a lit Christmas tree in the room. My eyes scan over the ornaments- there are so many ornaments. The kids get a new one each year and I love it.

Of course my mind goes to past Christmases, one in which I am a little girl and my mom is still alive. I know I’m not supposed to wish for anything else. I have been given so much. Still, I wish at times that things were different with my family. I let my mind wander to a daydream.

In my daydream, my Mom is still alive.

Not just still alive. She is well. She never had the childhood trauma that caused a domino effect of a life of sin. She never became addicted. She found comfort in Jesus and in Jesus alone. She had peace and comfort and in turn gave her family that peace and comfort. I see her every holiday in this daydream, and then some. We are mother and daughter and also friends now that I am an adult. She is with us at Christmas time, and she has spoiled all of her grandkids with sweet gifts. They know and love her. They delight in her and she delights in them.

I take a deep breath and swallow the truth that my daydream is never to be reality. My kids never really knew my Mom. It chokes me for a moment, this truth. I start to cry. Not just a little cry, but a sob. The grief slaps me sometimes like this. For a couple of minutes, I’m sobbing. Then pleading with Jesus. God, please bless her soul. Please let her be in Heaven with you. Please let us have a great relationship in Heaven one day. Please. Please. Please, God. I miss my mom.

I’m suddenly aware again as my sobs calm down of the comforting presence of God in my life. I’m reminded of the sermon on the mount. “Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

I’m reminded that suffering is a part of the human condition since the fall… none of us are exempt.

I’m reminded that this reality that I’m in is the temporary one- that eternity awaits and that is our real life. Not this one.

So I get up and serve my family with some housework. I don’t want to daydream anymore. I want all of my life, even the hard. I want to carry the crosses and follow Jesus.

I’m reminded again of what I have in this home. A loving husband and six beautiful children.

I thank Him for it all. Jesus, we praise you for our lives. For all of it. We know that you are good.