Parody: Testimony of a Liberal Catholic Lady :D

The Testimony of a Liberal Feminist "Catholic"

So thank you so much for coming to this talk, where I will share my experience of entering the Catholic Church three years ago. Let me tell you, it was a wonderful experience, the Easter Vigil! O, boy. And let me just start off by saying this: what was most powerful about this incredible event was the sense of community, that is right, community. Yes. Because, you know what, that is the most important aspect of Catholicism: community! After all, that is what we were taught in RCIA, and it is why I entered the Church. And by this I mean, there is no greater reason to enter the Church than to bring your family together. I liken it to that cool Greek Fat Wedding movie. I mean, that guy already had his life together, but he sacrificed a more sane existence to marry that girl. He went into a weird religion and threw away a more enlightened secular vision of the cosmos so he could get married. He gave up a more refined and sound worldview to acquire the girl of his dreams. And that took principles and courage. And that is why, when my husband and daughter were already Catholic, and I was nothing, I decided that It would be good if we were all on the same page, or at least at family gatherings and on Sunday and stuff. So about this community, once again, it meant that we are in love with love, and faith, and sharing, and we help the poor, and environment, and all those wonderful earthly things. The Easter Vigil completely vindicated that. So let me tell about, first, my Baptism.

Baptism

Baptism? Baptism, yes, to be made anew! The water, beautiful! The only problem was, we had to get through that negative stuff, the stuff that RCIA said was a necessary evil. You know, like when they said, do you reject sin, evil, the devil, and, then those dogma things. All those elements of the “Creed.” This was really annoying because, first, sin is such a Fundie term. Kind of reminds me of people like Oral Roberts or that wacked-out Westboro Baptist stuff. I mean, hasn’t the Catholic Church gotten over this judgmentalism. Well anyway, there was also this: do you reject the devil? What is up with that? I mean, my RCIA teacher said that the devil doesn’t exist, that he is just a symbol of evil. Same for demons. So how can we reject something that doesn’t exist? Later, my fellow parishioner said it is just an archaic retention of Liturgical rites, and is not meant to be taken literally. And again, all that Creed stuff. Do you believe this and this and this. Our RCIA gal said we could expect this. She just emphasized, nevertheless, that it is not necessary to believe “everything” that the Catholic Church teaches—after all, one would have to be really gullible, naive, and uneducated to believe absolutely everything the Church teaches—but just have a sense of accepting the community, of belonging, and that was reassuring. Then we moved on with Confirmation.

Confirmation

Confirmation?: Confirmation was better, as you didn’t have too much of the sin and dogma stuff, just gifts. And I liked the idea of gifts. Gifts are about caring, sharing, and hugs. And hugs rock. Definitely good stuff. And then, the apex of sharing, Eucharist!

Eucharist

Eucharist? Yes. What I loved about our parish was that it was modern and comfy. It wasn’t in a menacing cross, like those old churches in the rough downtown. No, it was a circle, a wonderfully beautiful circle, and what that told us was, once again, the Catholic Church is first and foremost a community. Community! Too, our RCIA reassured us that contrary to the outdated opinion of those frustrated, angry men up there—and don’t worry, we will have plenty of sharing about those men later in the talk—the Eucharist is not about the Body and Blood of God to help us do right and get to heaven! No! Leave morals, dogma, and hardship out. Rather, it is about thanksgiving! Remember, you grouchy dogmatists. Eucharist means thanksgiving! And so we give thanks for helping poor people. We give thanks for our community. We break bread to share.

And, ok, this was another thing: those grumpy old men say that Eucharist implies unity of belief and living. Well, at our modern church, we don't all believe the same things and all have the same moral code. We don't want to be Pharisees about things, caring about what is true and right. For, the woman’s sin we cared not for. It is a foregone conclusion that the woman bathing the Christ with that oil was forgiven. No, we are all forgiven. Everyone! Why? Because all are welcome! Rather, what is far more important than believing in unity the same rigid and stony dogmas and moral doctrines issued by those mean and hurtful men in that big , ornate palace built for the rich [which those wicked and corrupt Roman Senators echoed in unison “[Screw] the poor!”], is that we would be caring and sharing, to be one in our hearts, loving and serving poor people, and the environment. And did I mention the environment, because that is all that Pope Francis wants us to care about! And that is all I have to say about that!

So now, I was asked to share about the other non-community sacraments. Ok, well, luckily, our parish doesn’t get hyped about these, cuz, like it or not, they are just too, I don’t know, like about sin, and sacrifice, and patriarchy, and suffering. Not good. But I have to deal with them, so here goes:

The 4 Non-Initiation Sacraments

Confession

Confession: At our church, we have no Confession lines. Confession is from 3 to 3:15 PM, on the third Saturday of every month, and no one comes that I can tell, because there is no sin, just caring and sharing; for, why visit for healing when you are not sick?

Marriage

Marriage: We don’t like marriage. Well, getting matched is ok [along with hatched, snatched and detached, to borrow that phrase from our grumpy Latin freak neighbors] , but no more than 1.2 kids. I mean children are cute and everything, yeah, but let’s face it. In the end, children are far more burdens than blessings. Like old people. I am just being honest and objective, right? And also, we don't want to hurt the environment; all these ragamuffin tykes running around like parasites depleting our trees and water and stuff. Yes, I will repeat it again, Pope Francis loves the environment! I mean, I just read the first page of his encyclical after all these years, and God spoke to me in my heart implicitly, and He said explicitly to my intellect: that this was clearly everything that he had ever said or written that is pertinent to our time here on earth, and that therefore, any other purported writings or sermons of his [unless they are ooey and gooey about the poor or the environment (the environment! :) ) are not applicable to our faith.

Abstinence? Not Possible!

And speaking of faith, where were we? Oh yeah, we get back to what we were talking about: marriage. Well, those men up there, THOSE men, with their arrogant garments and snide know-it-all-ism [and I will give you a piece of my mind on that in a minute], they say that we can only use the natural way for babies. Ok, so uh, like, who can actually abstain for a week every month anyway? I mean, it is not like we have the Sacraments, especially God Himself to come into our very being in all senses, the beauty of Scripture and an ocean of other unbelievably profound religious writings, prayer, adoration, the rosary, and not to mention the abundant mutual love and grace from the sacrament of marriage itself. No, the Vatican is unbelievably out of touch with reality here, folks. And as for our kids, they simply cannot control themselves either , they cannot! After all, I and my husband lived together before we were married, and all our other Catholic friends did, too, and the sky didn’t fall with hellfire and brimstone. And we couldn’t control ourselves either, cuz three months after we started dating, an invisible tractor beam just pulled is into the Love Star, and we couldn’t resist if we wanted to, kind of like irresistible grace, but the opposite. My Christian Reformed friend told me about irresistible grace, and that almost everybody will go to heaven. Whoever came up with irresistible grace must have been such a nice, kind, caring and sharing man. I want to look up that origin some day.

Anyway, if my husband and I were not capable of resisting that Han Solo thing, then how much more impossible will it be for our kids. Not even with the Eucharist and rosaries and their Confirmation can they keep their clothes on. Or at least keep the private parts fastened. So I say just give them the “protection” from their mature affections, like even the Catholic high schools do, and if all else fails, there is always the clinic, since hey, most Catholic politicians are for reproductive services, too, aren't they? And those Catholic rulers care about the poor, the immigrants, and the environment, [the environment, remember Pope Francis? :) ] so they cannot be all bad, can they? Similarly, persons with same-sex desire probably can’t help the condition, but it would be heartless that they should have to live celibate, just as our children cannot live celibate. It just isn’t possible. Never mind that Jesus said all things are possible with God.. We don’t take that literally, do we? After all, we don’t take the Creation stories literally, so why should we take any of the Bible literally? We are not fundies, remember?.Except when Jesus don’t judge. THAT is literal in all senses!

Holy Orders

Holy Orders: Holy Orders?! Oooh boy! Don’t get me started on this one. Here I go. Wait a minute, where is my blasted microphone?! Where is it?! Where IS it!!!!? Here? Ok, good! Cuz I want everybody in this room to hear what I have to say, and I mean EVERYBODY! And what about? About those men, yes, those men. And I am sure that everybody in this room knows precisely what I mean by THOSE men! And I, ….. ok, um, I am sorry, I have to compose myself. Ok, so, ok, umm , all I can say is, about those men is, … no words, no words. All I can think of is, monsters, yes, monsters! Nazis even. Yes, Nazis! And I am NOT being hyperbolic! And how? Well, let us just start with that wonderful D word, or rather D wordS: dogmas, doctrines. All that those men on high want to do is define the D things: dogmas and doctrines! You must believe THIS but not THAT. You must DO this, but NOT that. And do you know what all that does? It just divides us. That’s right, it divides us. And why? Because once you start going around telling people what they can and cannot believe or do, even respectfully, you are setting up rules and walls, and Pope Francis said NO WALLS, and he meant it!

Cuz when you talk about religion and other useless fodder, there may be people who do not agree with you, and they will be offended. That is right, offended! And you know what? If you offend people, you hurt them. And hurting people’s feelings is the worst sin of human history. The worst! Worse than the Holocaust! Worse than the Gulags!, Worse than the tens of millions slaughtered in the Mao regime! Cuz at least those peoples’ feelings weren’t hurt! That is why, the truly compassionate thing to do is to just let people be people. Let them believe what they want to believe and don’t question it, even respectfully. And then, in our beautiful, ooey gooey oneness of love and peace, we will have unity, and tranquility on earth. Like Jesus prayed! For peace. Cuz Jesus never wanted anything but peace, ever! He never talked about confrontation! Ever! Don’t believe me? You go ahead and try to find it in the Bible! You won’t! And don’t even dialogue, cuz that could just lead to uncovering differences; and then you would hurt one another. And there is nothing worse in this life than arguing about religion.. Nothing!*

Those men don't care about the poor nor the environment

And while I'm here I have some more to say. The men up top, you know, those men, are completely conservative, they have no liberality whatsoever. I mean, with the exception of Pope Francis—and Pope Francis is ok, (he is the one nice man in the Church)—not one of those men, cares about poor people, or about immigrants, or about the environment. None! All they care about is telling people what they can’t do in their bedroom. Yes, the “formal” Catholic Church is completely on the right; yes, they are all fat pigs, Republicans, like those Roger Waters songs. That formal Church doesn’t have an ounce of liberality to in most of History until Pope Francis.because for the first time in 1950 years, the Church is getting some sense of compassion that it never had. Imagine that.

Of course, I ran into some guy in the street and I was talking about these things and he told me I had no idea what I was talking about, and that even the most liberal of secular historians, cannot deny the Catholic church has been the unfathomably supreme manifestation of charity towards the downtrodden from antiquity and all of human history hands down. Well I was like who the hell is this guy, does he think think he is a theologian? It is astounding how many arrogant crazy idiots you meet in nyc. I obviously had found one, and I went about my way. Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, about arguing religion.

Judge not lest you be judged

I did wait meet one fellow parishioner at my church a while back, and she said , judge actions but not persons. Judge beliefs but not the believer. I told her then, NO, don’t judge at ALL, cuz Jesus said don’t judge! And that is why I never question what anyone believes and I never question what they do. I judge in no way. But those, those men up there, those mean, nasty, hyper-machismo jerks, they are saying judge beliefs and actions, and it’s just wrong, it is wrong.

A church without mean ruling men, where all are welcome (except those men)

And that is why I propose a movement already starting in our wonderful Catholic Church: to eradicate holy orders! We have to just get rid of those, again, mean, hurtful, angry, bitter, frustrated masculine clump of cells and just build a community of love, a community where everybody is welcome, no matter what they believe or what they do [except those men]. And that reminds me of another thing. Remember the Eucharist, and how it is not about God saving us but about sharing?. Well, then, in our new Catholic Church, everyone will be invited to share because sharing is the ultimate essence of the Gospel. Well, and the environment, we don’t want to forget that..[the ENVIRONMENT, IMPORTANT!]

Anointing of the Sick

Anointing: Ok, anointing. So the Church says that we can unite our sufferings to Jesus, and He will give graces to souls on our behalf, so that we can help save people by our sufferings. Ok, well the problem I have with this is, why should anyone have to suffer? There is called compassionately relieving suffering. It is called pills and IVs. Let them fade away with a pill. That way there is no suffering whatsoever. I mean, why should anyone suffer at all, even if bearably or in comfort with palliative care? Besides, the system cannot afford old people. They just drain resources. If I was old and couldn’t care of myself, I wouldn’t want to waste somebody’s time and effort, when I cannot do anything useful for the world, like famous musicians, actors, athletes, construction workers, computer workers, and so forth. I mean, if a person gets old and needs to be fed, and have their diaper changed, etc, it is just a waste. Just send them home, compassionately. They are not cost effective. Suffering is to be eliminated at all costs, since suffering never serves any good purpose.

And toward that end, one day, through kindness, caring, and sharing—and loving politicians who help the poor and immigrants, [and the ENVIRONMENT!!!]--all suffering will be eliminated, and there will be a beautiful ooey gooey utopia where all are fed, all are welcome, without exception. Because when Jesus said there will always be the poor, He was just exaggerating. We can beat Jesus with love and peace. And caring and sharing. And did I mention kindness, too. And hugs! Hugs hope all things; hugs bear all things; hugs endure all things; hugs conquer all things. Hugs fulfill the law. And again, don’t forget about sharing!! We are called to share, like the Eucharist. (However, note, because of the governor’s recommendations, our sharing will be limited and spaced. Consult your local parish for their diversity of sharing guidelines.)

College students are so nice and moral because they grew up in comfort

Now, I wanted to say this: the reason that there will be love, peace, caring, sharing, tolerance, and kindness [and a beautiful environment], and ooey gooey hugs [hugs! :) ] is because everybody will have what they need: good food, comfortable and durable clothing, affordable, decent shelter and medical care. Because it has been absolutely proven through countless scientific studies into the wonderful ideology of socialism, that nearly all persons who have these things grow up to be wonderful, responsible, kind, caring, sharing and tolerant people.

The only exceptions in some cases, were about .000001%, of the sample. These people grew up in middle- to upper middle- class suburban areas, had all delicious food in abundance, easily prepared; a plethora of fashionable clothes; wonderful modern houses with automatic heat and air conditioning; state of the art refridgerators with ice outlet; comfortable beds; unlimited supply of video games; their own cable tv in their bedroom, complete with sports, uncountable movies of all genres; and the like. Yet, for some bizarre, inexplicable reason, they completely mouthed off to their parents and didn’t do their homework because the TV had pulled them in like that Han Solo thing.

And when they went off to college, mom and dad payed for everything, gave them a brand new car to get around campus [because no one should have to take the bus, that is for poor students] and bought them a comfortable dorm complete with full meal package of delicious food and service, no dishes to do, and the like. But, again, for some crazy reason, when they went to the cafeteria, they took a whole plate of food, just picked at it and bitched, then threw it in the garbage, and took mom and dad’s unlimited credit card to McDonalds or a pizza parlor. And if that were not enough, beginning on Thursday night, on through Saturday night, they went to parties and had sex with a different person each night that they wouldn’t remember, and got drunk.

The analytical researchers were completely puzzled by this phenomenon. However, at one of the conference meetings, one weird-looking person in the back suggested that the stats were completely reversed , meaning that most of the sample were this way and not just a small minority, and also started talking about some crazy stuff like minor apostasy, sexual revolution, and Original Sin, but nobody knew what he was talking about, so we said we will revisit this later to shut him up.

I need a latte, and to get rid of patriarchy

The coming materialistic Utopia of love

Anyway, all this dialogue is just tiring me, I need a Latte. But I will digress. Oh, yeah so, what I was going to say was, this wonderful democratic socialist utopia will finally be able to leave all those mean, rigid, bigoted dogmas and doctrines buried away from sight, so that consequently, we will be able to send gifts to one another, celebrating that those patriarchical clump of cells—who had tortured us all those decades with their witness of sack cloth and ashes—are now dead and gone. With this magnificent and grand purification behind us, our beautiful age of peace will most certainly persist until Jesus comes again. For surely, God came to save the world, not to condemn it, right? Hence, how can Jesus return to any world other than one with beautiful flowers and bambi and pink fences. Hence, when Jesus comes back, He will say, “Ello daare, Meesa back! Come give me a big hug! [hugs! ]”

I say this because every time I talk to them Latin Freak neighbors about this [remember them, the ones that use that hatch, snatch and detach phrase, and that call themselves Essex or something like that], they say I am wrong and that when Jesus comes back, there will be an unfathomable horror with the Great Apostasy, the incomprehensible persecution of the Church [the cup of the blood of the martyrs will overflow], and the unreal pouring out of the bowls of wrath in the final tribulation. But I think they don’t know what they are talking about, since, firstly, they are like radically right wing, and besides, none of my other Catholic friends—you know, the ones that lived together before marriage like me and my husband did---know anything about that. I have yet to find anywhere in my old CCD books where that is, so I will not worry about it. After all, what do right wing people know? They get everything wrong because we get everything right. Remember, Jesus said you are either hot or cold, no middle ground. Everything is black or white. Either right or left.