Saying "Yes" to God's "No"

My “Type A” personality makes it difficult to let go of control, to go with the flow, or to be flexible. I like things to be a certian way, and when plans change, it irks me. In my group of friends and even among my family, I’m always the one with plans that are set months in advance. I own a binder full of lists of my daily, weekly, and monthly “To-Dos.” Within the same binder, a list of goals for my career, house, and marriage resides. As you can imagine, I also write down my New Year’s resolutions each year. As I began to do so just the other day, I reached a kind of metanoia. There weren’t any plans devoted to my relationship with God in my binder. I had been saying "no" to the Lord, because when my vision for the future did not turn out as I had arranged, I thought he was saying "no" to me and the things that would make me happy. My own sense of and pursuit of control over my life had left me full of pride and fear when it came to surrendering my heart and soul fully to the Lord, and I needed to correct it.

One of my lifelong struggles has been to give myself fully to the Lord, especially when His plans didn’t always seem to coincide with my own. As a child, I would pray for grandparents not to die or for Santa to be real, and then would wonder why God didn't give me what I wanted or thought that I needed. I must have internalized these thoughts, for later in my adult life, I still found myself blaming God when things didn’t go my way. It could be something as insignificant as stubbing my toe that caused me to be late, or something as big as a family member falling unexpectedly ill.

Indeed my first reaction during tough times wasn’t always inclined towards trust or faithfulness. Instead, my first reaction was often blame and anger with the Lord. When I wasn’t actively trusting in God, I couldn’t see how God was acting in my life—even using the bad things to bring about good later down the road! I was so wrapped up in my selfishness and need for control that I felt more like Saint Peter; one minute I had been walking on water, but then the next thing I knew, my feet had slipped out from under me and I had fallen into deep water.

While God did call me to these waters, He was also there extending His strong hands to pull me back up. By allowing suffering to be a part of my life at times, the Lord humbled me and gave me the opportunity to remind myself of what truly matters in life. I was able to see through Jesus' life, death, and resurrection that God does indeed have a plan, and that we are all a greater part of it. If Jesus could say “yes” for me, to the point of dying on a cross, then I could let go of my plans to say "yes" to whatever God would send my way.

Challenging moments also gave me moments of clarity during which I could take a deep breath, and even utilize the true power of suffering. Nothing could stop me from taking all that I am and all that I have and giving it fully to the Lord to use as He will. My sufferings and “yes” to God’s true will could unite me more fully with Him and even help me to help others when I offered my pain up to Him. For example when I stubbed my toe, I could have offered that physical pain up to Jesus, asking him to use my pain to comfort and relieve the pain of someone else out there in the world who is in much greater need.

Now I don’t think that God is literally saying “no” to me. Instead, I know that He is literally inviting me to draw closer to Him, to humble myself, and to give myself entirely to Him each and every day. The situations and happenings in my life, whether they bring sorrow or joy with them, are opportunities to grow in my relationship with the Lord and to help others. I may not always be able to see the good that can come out of the bad, but by trusting in God, I know that I can get through it to that moment of goodness in the end. God deserves to be the top goal in my life. My new list for the New Year includes a prayer that God will give me the graces I need to embrace and copy the resounding “yes” of our Blessed Mother’s, so that I can always say “yes” to Him.