Spiritual Numbness

You know that feeling you get when you don't feel right? Like, you're just, off. Almost like you don't have an opinion about much and nothing really seems that great to you. You aren't mad, you aren't sad, and you aren't happy. You're just numb. You know that feeling, right?

As the semester comes to an end, I reflect back on these last few months and I can say I've become an expert of this numb feeling.

If you don't know already, I am a Resident Assistant for freshmen girls, and I live alone for the first time in my life (gasp). Being that all of my friends are off campus or living with other roommates, there isn't much time I get to spend with these people in my life. Working part time, attending class full time, and the giving of myself to 33 beautiful 18 and 19 year old girls is exhausting, incredibly rewarding, but so exhausting. Before this year, I was involved with everything and anything. However, this year, I've reached my limit on activities, and found the amount of extra curriculars I can take on before I have a stress-induced meltdown. There are things that I used to love, and now I've had to stop or quit doing them altogether. During the times where I'd be at certain activities or clubs or doing homework with a few friends, I'm now spending that time in my little room in Bona 141 working on the next assignment, prepping for a lesson, or loving on my residents.

It hasn't been a bad year at all! But it hasn't necessarily been a good year either. This year has been so much more different than I thought it would be. After almost 16 weeks, I'm just feeling numb and very, very alone.

There are days I want nothing more than to drop out of school and become a Catholic missionary. (And not those "oh I hate school. I wanna drop out." More like, I've seriously looked into Catholic mission companies and considered all options). Out of all years, I miss my family more this year than I ever have. It's incredibly difficult watching Olivia go through high school and experience everything I did (choir, Carolers, sports, marching band, etc.) and not being able to be there to support her. Will is about to become a husband to the best future sister-in-law of all time. Emma is living in Minneapolis, going on with her career and making a difference. Mom and Dad are prepping for their years of "empty nesting". And I'm here, in La Crosse, wishing I was home with my family.

You want to know the worst part of this? As much as I don't want to be in La Crosse or anywhere near Viterbo, I know God wants me here for some reason, and it's driving me absolutely insane.

I came back from Texas this last summer, after experiencing one of the most amazing times of my life. After only a week of being home, I had to turn around and come to school to prep for the school year. At the time, it didn't bother me one bit. But as the weeks went on, I felt the stress, pure exhaustion and empty-feelings build up. I began to feel a ton of spiritual attack, causing me to make poor decisions. I lacked in my prayer life, I fell into sin, and hurt someone who is so incredibly close to me. I wasn't myself.

The devil always tries to attack us when we're feeling at our highest with Christ. I mean, it makes sense. After being at an extremely God-filled place the entire summer and growing in my relationship with Christ, the devil was pissed. He knows my weaknesses and knows how to get me just right. Because he's been getting me all semester.

As time went on, I started really fighting for God. I've never felt like I had to fight for Him, you know? His love and our relationship always came so easy to me. But now that I'm growing and maturing, I'm learning if I want it, I have to fight for it, otherwise, the devil is going to try to persuade me not to take it. God isn't going to force his love on me or anyone for that matter. I have to want it.

And I do, trust me. I want it so badly. With the added stressors this semester, it's been incredibly difficult to keep my relationship with Christ present. I don't have much energy for anything anymore, so the energy I do have, I give it to Him.

I'm writing this, mainly as a statement to myself. I need to allow myself to vent and be raw. It's okay to be vulnerable and express emotions. For me, writing it all down helps me organize my thoughts and feelings. If at any point in the semester you asked me how my semester is or how my day went, I may have said something generic like "It's good, but I'm definitely ready to be done." But in reality, these last paragraphs are really what I've been feeling. I'm not one to open up to others if I'm really feeling down, in fear that they will judge me or not understand. But I'm quickly learning, by bottling up how I'm actually feeling, it doesn't help, but instead, makes it much worse.

So, what? What do I do now? Well, for once in my life, I have no idea. I don't know why God is wanting me to stay at Viterbo. Academically, I'm doing great. I really do want to be a teacher someday and I know my education is important. So, I'm not going anywhere. Spiritually, what can I do? I was talking to a friend last week about everything and he helped me realize I feel most like Mary Kathryn Ahlberg at Mass. I always look forward to weekend Mass and always look forward to spending that hour with Christ. Socially, I may not be around my school friends all the time, but I know I have incredible bonds with my camp friends from hundreds of miles away. One friend in particular has been such a blessing to my life these last 4 months. When I'm feeling drained and numb, he fills me up with so much joy, probably without even realizing it. Being able to pray with him on those tough days is what helps me get through another day.

As Christians, we're not always going to be 100%. There are times we may stumble and fall. We may not want to talk to God. There might be times where we don't want to listen to him. So as numb as this time is in my life, I know it's good. Even though I can't feel him right now, I still have never doubted his presence. I know he's walking in front of me, holding me up, helping me get through another day. He's showing me how to strive for me. He's still my savior and I still can't shake him from my life.

Friends, spiritual numbness is a real feeling. And it's okay. Just be still. Be still and know that it is good. I'm reminding myself of this every day. It doesn't get easier, but it sure as hell doesn't get harder. God is good and still remains with you, always.