Submission as the Best Marriage Virtue

During a recent Life in the Spirit break-out session, the facilitator asked us in her small group how we experience God's love in our life today.

I answered, "I am experiencing God's love in the way He is teaching me how to love better the person I am supposed to love most in this life, which is my spouse. I am doing something that I have not applied in my twelve years of married life, which is submission. You see, I was a very selfish and ambitious person. It had always been about me, me, me. But I am finished with that. I live for my husband now. Everything is about fulfilling his need, his preference. It delights me no end. Today, a free day, I asked him, 'what is your pleasure, honey?' And he said, 'I want to go on a picnic.' So he asked me to call our friends. He asked me to call not too many, so we do not have to take two cars. I followed through, helping coordinate and make calls, then I noticed that we will be passing near a Holy Door church in Jersey City, so enroute I asked, 'Love, can we pass by this church?' And he said, 'No, it will make us arrive late and the charcoal will still have to get started.' If this happened in the past, I would have railed and shouted violently, 'A Holy Door? You are missing on an opportunity to pass by a Holy Door?!' And more yakking and peace would be disrupted. But I simply deferred to him and didn't argue. We had a great time at the picnic. We used the moment instead to pray the Divine Mercy and that wasa blessing too.

The facilitator thanked me for what I shared earlier. "That was beautiful," she said.

She was a career woman who told us of her vocal devotion to Mary that her Protestant coworkers now ask her pray to Mary for them. This prompted another lady to say how she had convinced her own coworkers to pray to Mary, was to give it a try when they have a request. "If it doesn't work, stop, and it always does!" she said.

I had asked God for a loving man, one who is intelligent and family-centered, one who is interested and kind. He also gave me one who is good-looking. That was almost twenty years ago. Meantime, I had learned I should ask for my part. I should have asked Mama Mary sooner to be a better spouse, a great wife. A widow described to me this gift: if the two horses leading the carraige seek to go in opposite directions, would not the ride be rocky?

In our picnic, which delighted him to do and oversee--marinating the meats and prepping the table, I simply have to offer what he directed me, which is to skewer the meats together and gather our friends when we are ready to eat. Nothing extra. Nothing stressful. It was a day of peace. Our presence as a couple witnessed to other families, singles and couples there.

Fr. Paul Donohue of Saint Lucy Church in Newark, NJ had said, marriage and holy orders are the only two social sacraments; whereas the other five sacraments are for individual good, these two are especially for the good of the community. And it is not so much for procreation and education of children alone. The couple's presence together is sufficient witness to the beauty and love and power of God.

The following day, my beloved asked what I wanted to do. I said, I would like to do a pilgrimage to the Shrine of Our Lady of Czestochowa in Doylestown, PA. He readily agreed, persisting that we go, even when I was getting downcast with the long travel time and nearly insisted on the local Holy Door. The peace that I preserved by yielding to him the day before in not going to a Holy Door, the peace and love between us allowed him to even work towards something beautiful in the day to come. That the Shrine was a Holy Door was proclaimed loudly in banners in the street, with Polish flags besides. We entered the Door happily, taking pictures and then then prayed insight, each of us dwarfed by the massive stained glass windows on each side of the main church, one about the Our Lady of Czestochowa and another of American Catholicism. We marveled at the image which was behind the altar, framed by an expansive bronze depiction of the Trinity, this deeply hued and brightly haloed portrait of Jesus and His Mother whose face has been scarred but undeterred across the centuries.

it was Mary who showed me what a wife ought to be. How many of us can say we live for a person's will? That person represents Christ who lives in them. Every moment that we yield, we yield to Christ who is in the vulnerable, in the poor, in the people of rightful authority such as parents, superiors and spouse. Yielding to the lowest, serving rather than being served, is our highest calling. How can we not translate this to being submissive to our spouse who gave us their heart to look after and their life--bodily and spiritually to affirm? This is the vocation of marrieds, especially of women, who are naturally gifted in the relational realms--on the spiritual, social and nurturing aspects, as St. Pope John Paul II said in his Letter to Women.

Downstairs in the Lower Church, Jesus who was being adored greeted us. We prayed the Divine Mercy Chaplet led by another adorer eager to not let our common devotion stay silent. As my husband strolled in the giftshop, looking at the medals and the devotionals, I thought, "How could I have opposed this godly man so much before?" So when I had a chance to linger on to another section of the building or buy with my credit card yet another book, I hurried back to him and aligned myself to him, physically, financially, spiritually.

Submission helps couples stay together in peace. Those who seek to dominate end up losing their dignity as persons, Pope Francis says in Amoris Laetitia. Submission then makes one full of dignity. For is there no greater dignity than to mirror God who is love, Love which is patient, meek and gentle? Love that yielded to blows and crushing pain so we may be lifted? Love that yields over and over to become present in the Eucharist which melts and dies into us so we may have life now and life eternally?

Can one fully appreciate the value of submission when one is not in the Lord? I could not even speak of the word then. Married love which is binding, permanent and committed becomes the soil in which a married woman learns submission, learns fruitfulness and receives grace. It doesn't even have to wait for years as one can begin to simply yield, give, forgive--traits called for in this Year of Mercy.

On leaving, my husband asked where I want to go next. I remembered there is a lake nearby--Peace Valley, I said. We both wondered if it was named as such first by the locals or the presence of the Shrine started in the late 1880s had anything to do with it. I wanted to go directly to the reservoir, but when he noticed a Peace Valley Nature Center, he chose to go there and as I know that in that which I obey I am blessed, I didn't resist. It was the welcome area and had a bridge that served as an overlook to a bird migration sanctuary. More than two hundred geese were quacking, feeding and swimming here. Constantly, there were arrivals and lift-offs, the nature of an avian stop-over.Geese family skimmed the water, their silhouettes graceful as it is orderly.

"Look, honey," I say, "they are led by the dad, the mom follows next then the young ones." Over and over, up close and in the distance, this pattern was observed. "I guess that is the order of things."

Did Mary argue against St. Joseph when he said the family with newborn Jesus will leave for Egypt (far, foreign Egypt) in the middle of the night (night: desert snakes, cold, frigid temperatures)? Did She oppose the message of Gabriel that she will be the Mother of God when essentially the Savior in Her womb will be at risk of being destroyed as well as she? For she was already betrothed and will be suspected of adultery and will be stoned for this unusual timing of His birth. She yielded. She accepted. She took it as fate, blessed and divine fate. She lived for His will.

Honey later asked me to start our hike, though I was perfectly content to look at the glassy lake and listen to bird sounds. But the moment I started joining him, more beautiful views came about, even of the same scene, that we both started photographing. My husband, who is a hiker in his youth, decided we will start on a trail which we didn't know where it led, but I was happy to comply. It led deep into the forest, but it wasa dreamy view for a sun-dappled stream, the same stream which feeds the reservoir of the ducks, was alongside us the whole way. My husband tried to catch the random yellow leaf adding to the fall carpet. As I walked behind him (and having a brief experience leading the hike back), I realized the divine order is we walk single-file too. He--the man--leads, I--woman-- follow. It feels safer for me too, more enjoyable. I am free to meditate, soak in the sights, revel in the sight of another person in the trail--women are social beings very much so, instead of having to check if we are is the trail still or not, or to greet (or be frightened) by the unexpected stranger on the way. If I were to travel solo on a hike, I would be expending all mental energy on simply ensuring I am not attacked. But walking with my husband, I am safe, free to dream, happy, loved.

There was another aspect why I sought the pilgrimage too. My first job opened up again. It was a high-paying job, one which would kill our bills in one go and help even in the ministry of some religious sisters. But it was a marriage-killer too. When I was in it, this job ruled me. I do everything rushed an/or brusquely or get overtaken by work/teaching tasks. I have no room for error and thus am impatient in other aspects too. Here I am reveling on autumn walks, daily Masses and human relations with my husband. I brought the filled-in application form with me in church, already stamped and sealed, ready for mailing. I want to ask God for a blessing if it gets sent.

Another priest had advised me that discerning important milestones happen as a process--day to day, God will unfold His will and message.

In that day at a bookstore, St. Alphonsus Liguori's message from "Twelve Steps to Holiness and Salvation" rang out for me. We should have great love of neighbor, helping them in their needs as it is the one act above everything else--charity to the least--that will get us to heaven. We should not think of our neighbor as some we should be suspicious of or vilgilant against, but it is different when we are in charge of somebody. We should seek to protect what we are given as stewards.

The following day, at a Mass, an older, regular parishioner attended with us. Always with his wife, he now goes alone as she had taken a school assistant job. I do not know if they needed the income, but they sure were happier when they were attending together. It blessed me to see them simply together. I was saddened that many couples are not even together for they are, if not time zones, spiritually on different planes. Yet, here we are worshipping together and supporting one another like we have never been spiritually. Must I break that now for my own "fulfillment"?

A woman's true fulfilment is in her vocation, and if that vocation was marriage...My spiritual director had told me, as echoed by numerous other priests: Make your marital relationship happy and all other things will fall into place. Another had warned, your husband comes first, all other things are negotiable, I know how necessary my husband should be to me--he is my vocation, my way to holiness, and I cannot be half-hearted to serve two masters about it

I realize being with my husband honors and uplifts others, but especially ourselves. In this space of peace ushered by my own submission and lack of "independence", I am able to discover the humility, gratitude and numerous more gifts from God through my spouse than I am able to describe.

As I write this, he hands me a photo of Mary and Jesus from his childhood chapel that I had requested awhile back. The child Jesus extends His arms far and wide in a cross as Mother Mary holds and steadies Him. I notice for the first time in little Jesus's white tunic the Sacred Heart is imprinted on His chest.

This is my sign, my marker. Jesus "speaks" to me in a special way. When He agrees to a thought or to a repentant conviction, the image of the Sacred Heart comes into my view. It never fails as my guide.

I think He is telling me now: Yes, be like my Mother more. Stay faithfully to your vows now. I will take care of you. Worry not. Spread the Word of My love everywhere but starting with your spouse whom I love dearly and planned for you since time immemorial.