Am I faithful?

So I have been without job, without family and very close to being with very little money. I tried several attempts to revive my career and still fail every single time. Most likely I am grieved that my son is not with me. I do not have the motivation. I have lost the confidence. I have lost believing in myself. I am not happy. The situation is really taking me through sadness, hopelessness and depression state. How can I come out of it? The bigger question that came to my mind was ‘Is it right for me to be sad as a Christian? Is it right for me to be hopeless as a Christian? Is it right for me to be depressed as a Christian?’ Am I faithful? My response in such situation is where my faith is truly defined.

Faith since my earlier years

Since 1990 when I first came across a charismatic spiritual renewal event, there were later years when I have gone through phases of spiritual isolation, loneliness, failure being a missionary, being jobless, unhappy marriage, financial losses and even behavioral problems and mental challenges. During this time I have felt lost, weak, failed and scared. I would be clueless about my future in these times. But when I look back, I have never been in a worst state that I could have been in. I have been immensely blessed when I see today, the sufferings across the globe. I realized my Lord never really discarded me. There was always some intermittent joys showing through these tribulations and it would help me laugh and move on. Down the years every problem had its way to vanish. Of course, a new problem would erupt but with every new problem I felt I was more spiritually strong, independent, matured and fearless. I was confident of Lord showing through, on troubled waters once again. So now when I am once again going through a situation in my life, I always see how Lord has always been there. Even in the storm, my Lord would tell me ‘Come forth. Keep walking. You will not drown’. With problems came graces and it helped me to keep walking ahead with joy and belief which has strengthened my faith to a new level.

During my earlier years of spiritual growth, I felt the troubles taught me to swim. Even though I spent six months in missionary college and I failed, I felt I came out of it as a stronger, matured leader. I did not know it then, because I was depressed and could only see everything as failure and losses. But it was the beginning of time, when Lord would use me for others. I returned to India with all my losses and was jobless for long time. With some confidence from my newly married wife, I reluctantly was willing to work for extremely less paid jobs with less educated people. During the next decade, the Lord would use me to help me train many such people, build their confidence, provide them opportunities and help them build a career. I eventually landed with fine job and a good salary. I went on to build a house of my own. These people went on to work for big companies amidst bright engineers, earn good salary, build a house, visit international locations and even get married and have happy families. I felt that even though I never could go into a remote forest as a missionary, my Lord used me in my failed sad situation to be a positive instrumental change for others. Eventually I was blessed too.

My faith today

In today’s situation of mine, I was not sure how Lord wanted to use me. I asked God ‘Now what would you want me to do Lord?’ I had done everything to secure my wife and my son as per my responsibilities. But now I had no one beside me and I had all the time and skills to use for those who need me. The Lord directed me to prayer and community this time. It all began when a custom officer at New York airport miraculously let me stay in US for two months instead of one week decided by an earlier officer. The officer could see the yearning in my eyes to see my son who has been in Georgia for last three years. Through him, God made an opportunity for me to see my sisters, mom, nieces, nephews and above all my son. The next many months, I felt cared, loved and somehow I got in love with the Eucharistic Mass, the rosary, the precious blood chaplet. I got in touch with my dead father and now daily visit his grave. When there were so many organizations not willing to take me as a volunteer, coincidentally without any interview, I became part of social service group (St. Vincent De Paul) associated with my local church in Mumbai.

Through this group, I entered slum areas multiple times, met families, heard their struggles and worked on arranging support for either education or monthly ration. The Lord once again used my failed situation to do good to others. But remaining in this failed situation has not been easy. My losses have been reminding me that I have lost and I have failed. My weaknesses have been talking to me what a weak person in flesh I am. Is my faith strong was the big question I was asking myself. I was constantly battered with the thought of my joblessness, my poverty, my lonely life on earth. Was I truly living God’s will? Am I faithful? My response in such situation is where my faith is truly defined.

Growing higher in faith

I realized my faith in God is not up to the mark. Think about Abraham’s faith in God when he was asked to sacrifice his son. I am definitely way below my faith standards. If I truly believe that my Lord is with me in my suffering, if I truly believe he is powerful, if I truly put him above my every desire, then I will not be sad. I will not be hopeless. I will not be depressed.

In fact I will keep trying for jobs; I will believe that my marriage will be alright and I will be with my son. I will keep praising God for every situation knowing well that there is lot of good happening in failed situations. I will keep doing God’s will. If I cannot sustain such problems in life, I wonder if I can shed my blood for him. Will I be like Peter who gave up at one particular time? How big is our faith? After saying all the prayers, after attending all the mass, if I do not trust in his act, then I am useless in my faith. I am useless in my hope. I am useless in spreading love.

“Faith, Hope, Love” These are the three great qualities we should abide as per 1 Cor 13:13 How much of faith I have? I feel unfaithful when I utter my constant needs and problems to my God. For me being faithful means believing in God’s act and presence all the time. My prayer requests to God should be based upon this true faith, true hope and true love.

If I am not happy, I am not faithful. If I have given up, I am not hopeful. If I do not treat people, my family, and my neighbors in love out of my sadness, then I am not even making a Kingdom that Lord wants to establish amidst us. I took my time to be sad, to be depressed, and to be alone. Now my faith challenge required that I get up and walk again. I wanted to reverse the tide. I decided I will clean my house even though I am feeling down. I will keep doing all my pending work of bills and investments believing Lord will provide me as per his will. I will be like those sparrows, who know not what will they eat or what lies ahead but God still provides them. I accept whatever flowers or thorns I have. I do not choose the garden to grow. I choose to be a beautiful fragrance to God in every garden that he puts me in. If we continue to labor even when results do not seem to come in, it’s a sign of growing higher in faith.

Faith has many levels. On which level are you today? The book of revelation chapter 7:14 says “And he said … These are they who have come out of the great tribulation; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb”.

The first thing that came to my mind when I came across this passage was ‘Lord, I want to be one of them. What will it take to reach this level’. The passage is very clear that these people will go through great tribulation. This tribulation is definitely much greater than what I am going through. The book of revelation mentions that people will yearn to die rather than going through such tribulation. We will not be able to buy or sell unless we give into evil powers. It all comes down to the point, if my faith has escalated to a level now, where I can go through such tribulation. The best way to answer myself is ‘Can I go through my present troubles which are way smaller in the whole purpose of our life to be with God forever beyond death’. Yes, our current suffering, our current troubles should be considered as experiments where we test ourselves to grow much higher in faith, much beyond in hope and totally immersed in love. Troubled waters are opportunities to strengthen our faith and be closer than ever before the Lord.

If I live in God today, I will be eligible to get that robe. Whatever pain, trouble I have in life, I should use it to wash my robe whiter. I should be whiter than yesterday. I should be able to say ‘See Lord, I was faithful till the end. I always believed in you. Have I pleased you Father?’. If your Father in heaven can be well pleased with you, you have come a long way in making your soul pure without any blemish.

Tim 6: 14 says “Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life”. This fight is against our faithlessness or it may be against having little faith. This fight is against our hopelessness in realizing that we can never truly die and that we will live in praise, joy, and worship of the Lord now and forever. Our current journey of less than 100(+-40) years on this 4.5 billion years tiny blue invisible dot within this universe of 13.8 billion years is almost a speck of sand in the desert. Have a bigger picture and it will all make sense that not even death is real. Our troubles, our desires, our relationships, our wealth are neglible stuff which should never be the center. God should be the center and all small and big things that are important to us should revolve around it. Being faithful means having God in center of our life. Being faithful means, everything that we do or decide, should be based on our daily endless conversation with God. The question is ‘Are you faithful? Your response in every difficult situation is where your faith is truly defined.

James 1: 2-4 says My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials; knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.

The heaven belongs to the faithful. See you all someday in heaven.