Bitter

As a writer, I often examine things from numerous perspectives, engaging thoughts that are shocking and deeply abhorrent to me - seeking a way to pierce the darkness and wondering where the cracks are for the light. What can sometimes prove most troubling, however, is when I see a piece of myself, clearly, on both sides. 

Such was the case today as the following poem took shape and ultimately found its final form. 

Choices

I chose the bitter rind,

missed the fruit entirely,

as the sweet nectar dripped

from the faces of friends 

     and family.

I envied their joy,

their smiles and laughter,

but I did not alter my path,

seek the sweetness.

Rather, I let the bitterness fill me.

Accepting it

     as my lot and portion.

Blaming others for the sourness

that filled me

      ...the thirst that lingered.

Seeking healing, praying for it,

but finding within me no willingness,

no courage for change.

As my path withered before me

I bore my choices like a yoke

heavy upon my shoulders.

I reflected on hubris

    ...the crushing weight of pride.

Still, I chose to fall.

***

As I worked through the process - crafting, shaping, editing - I found myself questioning if this piece was strictly observational? Writers are observers by nature. Had I witnessed some specific moment that drew these thoughts from me?

Or, was it from personal experience? And, if that was the case, how so? Had someone inflicted their bitterness upon me? Or, had I personally allowed bitterness and all its rot and ruin to seep in?

Sadly, I realized that the answer was all of the above. We've all known and witnessed people who have allowed bitterness - from insecurity, jealousy, selfishness, and/or envy - to take root and wield power in their lives. This also means that more than likely we've found ourselves on the wrong side of the emotions and behavior that come from it. I know I have.

What surprised me though, as I reflected on all this, was the awareness that I too was allowing it a place within. I always considered myself fortunate in that I'd been given a handful of individuals early on in life who were clear examples of the kind of person I never wanted to be. It sounds harsh, and believe me, the lessons provided were, but I had learned them and taken them to heart. That being said, time, distance, and a series of disappointments, failures, and heartbreaks were heavier and more damaging than I had acknowledged. I let my guard down, it's as simple as that. 

“A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones” (Proverbs 14:30).

The good news is that now I know. I see it clearly. I can alter my path, remove the heavy yoke of jealousy and bitterness, and continue on my way.

It’s hard having to learn the same lesson over again, but sometimes it must be done. I'll close with words I say often: your circle matters. Surround yourself with people who want you in their lives. People who build you up, grow your faith by their example, catch you when you stumble, and draw out your best self. Surround yourself with people who bring you joy and peace.