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Before you Decide…An Open Letter To a Pondering Priest
(A melding of letters, emails, and discussions with priests that I have had over the years. While it is addressed to one…it seems to hold meaning for many vocations)
Dear Brother,
So it is our mutual experience of ‘leaving’ the ministry that has connected us. I’m not sure I would have listened to anyone when I left and so I feel a certain responsibility, that I not fail you or Jesus Christ—our High Priest.
I pray to the Holy Spirit Who will guide our brief correspondence…
Entering into and following through with your decision to take a leave of absence is a very difficult decision. Especially because you are not making a parallel move (going from diocesan life to religious or vice versa). Your initiation of this leave was primarily because you needed to discern whether or not you were going to continue in the life of a priest.
From the start your forthrightness and honesty is refreshing and it is good that you bring a maturity and discernment to your decisions. Your leaving seems to be well discerned and with the support of your bishop, some parishioners and clergy. This is not always the case, either because of the defensive posture of the priest or because the Church and the bishop and so many others just don’t know what to do or even how to act. But I will offer a few words--feel free to pick up on anything in order to open our conversation.
For me it was grace and the fervor of love that nurtured and sustained me during my leaving. There really is no other way than to enter fully into the mystery of Christ’s love during this time and that love will manifest itself in many ways.
Don’t get stuck in blame. The chatter, innuendos, and gossip will ensue—both among clergy and laity. Often time the virtues necessary to help a man seem non existent--let alone 'un Christian'. It is easy to get trapped in the blame game. This decision has to be one that is not purely ‘reactive’. Own the decision, it is nobody else’s. If you don’t, you are only setting yourself up for a future life of regrets and blame.
This will change you forever. It’s hard. Its a mixture of past and present--and it does affect the future. But you need to know that you are not the first one to do this nor will you probably be the last.
You also need to know:
That…Every day, you are a priest--forever.
That…If you marry--you bring it with you. There are times that I am more a priest as a husband and dad than I ever was when I was active.
That…If you are a dad—then you are a parent who was and is a priest. My son once explained it, "My Dad is like a Jedi.”
That…No matter what your 'work' becomes--you will see and hear and sense everything through your priesthood.
That…No matter how many years you were active (or passive)--it's in your spiritual marrow.
That…You will experience the ontological—EVERY DAY
Honestly yes, I still wrestle with the desire to celebrate Eucharist and at times offer the Sacrament of Reconciliation and Anointing.
And the current reality is that the Church has no idea what to do with such 'ex-priests'. It falls short of using the priesthood as it was meant to be, let alone trying to deal with men who leave-and this reality will affect you. But, don’t let it become your agenda. If you do, it will force you to live in a non-life giving way--and then the chaos of confusion and judgment and eventually evil will take hold.
Often times a guy will have an 'agenda' or he wants to become Anglican or Episcopal, or he is already in a relationship and wants me to tell him that he is justified in living a double life. I’ve had men stop talking with me because they thought that since I left and married that I would condone them living for months as both an active priest and in a mutually coupled relationship. Don’t prolong and avoid a decision. It isn’t fair to the other individual, the people of God, or you. Believe me, I have a glass house and that wasn’t meant to be a rock—it is however a reality.
My concern (based on experience ) is this--Don't leave the Church--no matter the pain or frustration. Also, the internet is wrought with our brothers who are instruments of discord and even the demonic--there is no peace found in such societies or fraternity.
I finally realized the power of intercessory prayer. I found my seeking the valid and licit release from my promises quite healing. The Blessed Mother and a few other Saints put everyone in our lives that needed to be there.
In the end--God provides everything. There were times when I didn't trust and yes, there were times when parts of myself experienced a certain agony. But guess what—you keep loving and you keep dying—that’s the blueprint.
But, to be in the graces of the Church--to receive--and be received--to let go of judgement--it is all such freedom.
Well brother, there you have some initial thoughts that I send your way. They come with prayers of support and that the peace you seek will be yours, whether you stay or leave.
God Bless.
Ordained a Roman Catholic priest, Michael left the active ministry, married, worked as a therapist, then later became an Episcopal priest. In 2004, together with his wife and son, he made a pilgrimage to Medjugorje in thanksgiving for her healing from cancer. It was at this first pilgrimage that he felt called to reconcile with the Roman Catholic Church--a church from which he had been excommunicated.
Following he and his family’s return to the Catholic Church, he has been requested by parishes and prayer groups for talks and retreats on a variety of spiritual topics. He reaches a broad audience because of the wealth of his experiences as a priest, therapist, protestant minister, ex-communicant, hospice chaplain and of course a husband and father. He is a captivating story teller, preacher, and has a knack for connecting with the congregation and audience.
Michael is a full time chaplain for LECOM VNA Hospice. In addition he facilitates several bereavement and support groups.
Michael enjoys family adventures, bicycling, cooking, fly fishing, building projects, and music composition. He lives with his lovely wife and five hounds. On occasion he runs a half marathon with his wife, son, and daughter-in-law.
A Lost Shepherd , Michael’s first book was published in 2012 and received a nomination for Book of the Year by the Small Publishers Association. In 1991 He composed, performed and produced Earthen Illusions a selection of musical compositions and donated all proceeds to the American Cancer Society. He is also a contributor to Priest magazine, published by Our Sunday Visitor. He is currently authoring a new work on Spritual Direction in Hospice.
