Why do I still sin?

Sin, that three letter word that confines all that is wrong with me. It is the mental, physical, and spiritual barrier that I must overcome each day. It is that thing that makes me believe that I lack the sanity necessary to not partake in it. For me, as the years in service of my Lord kept passing by and I grew wiser, at least I'd like to think, I could no longer call it sin. It was too simplistic. There had to be something more at play that with all the biblical and spiritual knowledge I had obtained I still fell into evil things.

Was it weakness? It'd be quite a challenge to come to terms with, but likely easier to overcome due to my sense of pride as a man. Was it fear? Did I just not want to be that different than everyone else? My thoughts, opinions on things differed greatly from everyone else very early on in my life. I wasn't your "average" teenager. Do I just want to relate? Is there too much pressure of perfection placed on myself from an oddly profound understanding of right and wrong since I was 9 years old?

I always had a strong feeling I was different. Felt like I was chosen in a sense. Like Harry Potter I also have a scar on my forehead which really helped feed this idea. Just like I knew what my check would look like at the end of the week when I worked at McDonald’s I knew the wage of sin was death, and I don’t want to get paid.

It must be stupidity, yup, that's it. I’m fully aware no one loves me more than Christ. That He gave his life for me. He fills my life with joy and blessings, and I STILL sin. Am I mentally insane? I'll defend my Catholic faith to the death, spend hours, days and nights serving the Lord, pray 5 rosaries and somehow still manage to fit sinning into my itinerary.

How do I escape this tendency in me? Do I not love God enough? How do I forgive myself for being me while that me works on being someone much better? Then there’s the seriousness that these things I can't let go of are why Christ came down and became man. The things that separate me from Him now may in the long run keep me from Him forever.

My measuring bar was making sure I never became one who could no longer tell the difference. Like someone who's worked at a fish market so long the smell has become commonplace and won't even notice it. A certain part of me wants to accept my fallen nature and just do damage control. But that's not what I was called for, that's not what Christ did on the cross. I was freed, though I often put the chains back on myself. Though the final battle has been won I awkwardly decide to take a few punches.

There's a time where this stops right? I’ll mature into someone better. God will just bless me with power to overcome and all will be fine. Or maybe I must just scratch and claw, fight off every single thing that does not come from Him. Those things my mind identifies as foreign, for in reminded that though I'm in this world, I am not of it. There's somewhere else I have to be, there are better and wiser things to do. I must fight for this eternity. It'll take blood, sweat, and tears just to accept His gift of love and salvation. I’ll stay on track in the timing of whatever His plan. To salvage whatever I have not already squandered due to sin. All while coming to terms that it's His mercy, not me. That in order to escape what I need is I need less of me and more of Him.