May It Be Done To Me

"What do you think of IVF?"

We just met on an online dating site and you're going to ask me THIS???  "Um, well, I'm a Catholic, so I'm not for it...  You know, embryos being murdered and all in the process, it's not natural, that whole 'respect for life' gig we got goin' on."

"Well, yeah, I know you're Catholic.  I just wondered if that's what you really believed."

"Well..."  What do you say to this guy?  He's not Catholic himself...  And I'm not sure I really believe this myself.  I mean...  I would give just about anything to be pregnant myself...  "The Church doesn't allow it."

"That's all very good in its time, but I'm asking what you believe.  We could get married someday.  If I'm going to marry a Catholic, which is against my beliefs, I need to thoroughly understand hers.  Honestly, some of the stuff you've said, I have a hard time understanding why you're Catholic."

Yeah, you should know what I believe...  But what do I believe on this topic?  

I believe in the sanctity of life, but I don't see a problem with IVF.  It still respects most life, and why shouldn't a couple be happy?  If I could be pregnant...  I remember sitting on the doctor's table in the smock, feeling exposed and vulnerable beyond all belief, and those words...  Those specific words...

"You have to understand, you may never be able to have kids because of this."

I was 19.  I had never been in love.  I'd just been dumped over problems beyond my control.  And I was told I could very well never have children.  If IVF could help me have children, would I do it?

I mean, really.  Why am I a Catholic?  Why am I a part of this Church?  I could be with a wonderful Protestant guy right now, and maybe be a part of an understanding, compassionate denomination that would support my decision to use IVF...  But no, I got ditched by the guy who introduced me to the Catholic Church, which has little, if any, sympathy for my condition whatsoever.  Why don't I just leave?  Why am I even here?  What is there for me here?

And this guy's right...  I struggle with basic Catholic doctrine.  I don't even believe half the stuff about Mary that I'm supposed to believe.  Assumed into heaven?  Sure.  Queen of heaven?  Yeah, that's cool...  Perpetual virginity?  That's such an academic joke!  It couldn't possibly happen, given the...

Why am I a Catholic?

I remember sitting in the corner, bawling.  I didn't understand anything then, so many months ago.  I wanted to quit.  I wanted to give up.  I wanted to get out and go back to Protestantism, where everything was as I had always known it and I was comfortable there...  And I remembered that Voice, that Voice I knew was God's, saying, "I love you.  You found me here, in the Catholic Church.  I will never leave you, for better or worse.  You know what's better, and you know what's worse."

I remember a few weeks later, walking up the steps to be baptised.  I remember bending over the bowl of holy water, hearing the priest pray over me.  I remember the smell of the chrism oil running down my face afterward.  My only thoughts were, "Lord, I'm doing this for you...  Not because I want to, but because You've called me here."

I still don't know why I'm here.  I don't understand anything that is Catholicism.  Why am I here?

>sigh< I'm looking at that message, and I don't know how to respond...  Oh, hey, my picture of Mary on the wall.  Mary, my adopted Mother.  I'm supposed to ask you about these things...  You're supposed to take me under your mantle and comfort me, right?  But I don't even know if I believe in you like that...

Oh, yeah, you couldn't have children either.

You never knew a man that way.  You gave up the ability to have biological children to have spiritual children...  You gave up control of your life for God's plan to come into the world...  You gave up security and what you would call peace to bring Jesus to the rest of us.  You gave up what you wanted, so the rest of us could have something better.

And then your Son followed in your footsteps and gave up His life because He wanted to be with us more than anything else...

Both of you.  You didn't question.  You didn't protest.  You asked, you prayed for what you wanted, you sweat blood in the end...  But you obeyed God.  You took the cup He gave you.  You followed Him...  You went where You were called.

So maybe...  Maybe this is what I believe...  Maybe IVF is an option, but, like Paul said, everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial for me...  Maybe God called me to Catholicism because there is the Marian dogma about her perpetual virginity...  Maybe I'm here because this is the ultimate role model for a girl struggling with her fertility issues, to show me that there's another way that God can work through to bring about even greater things into this world than just my own happiness...  Maybe, even though I don't understand it or really believe it, it's there to comfort me, none the less...  

Maybe that's why I'm a Catholic, because here, I can say, "May it be done to me as You have said," and I know that God is working here, because He's already set the best possible example for me here.  "May it be done to me," she said in the beginning, when Gabriel told her He would be coming, and, "Not my will, but Your will," He said when His passion had come...  Maybe that's why I'm here, so I can join in it, too, with them.

And maybe, that's what I should tell this guy.

So I did.