Overcoming Jealousy in Feminine Friendships

Jealousy. This is a nasty thing that happens among girls. When we compare. I am a girl, so you could say I have an insider’s perspective. I will let a guy write from his point of view.

Jealousy rears its ugly head when we compare. I picture it like the scaly, snake-like creature in the Odyssey that creeps up upon Ulysses and his sailors and catches them by its tail, engulfing them under the waves and threatening to destroy the captain, crew, and ship.

Jealousy can disguise itself and manifest itself in many ways. It can look like self-righteousness, avoidance of friends, self-pity, or just plain ignoring the person who is its object.

Often, I can tell when a friend is jealous depending on how they respond to a story I just told. Flip it around, and I can tell when I am jealous depending on how I respond to a story a friend has just told me.

Happy-for-me or empathetic responses from my friend are what I’m looking for, things like:

“Oh, wow! I’m so happy for you!” or “You worked hard; I’m so proud; how lucky are you?” or “Poor baby.” “I’m sorry that happened.” “That must feel awful.” “I can’t imagine dealing with that situation.” These types of responses in friends lead to affirmation of the speaker, validation of who they are as a person, what they have just disclosed, and a confirmation of true friendship.

Not-so-happy-for-me or unempathetic responses from my friend are what I’m not looking for, things like:

“Well, have you considered this problem?"  Or "that obstacle?"  Or that "it’s not really that big of an accomplishment because of this?" Or "Maybe you got it just  because of luck?” Or “That stinks to be you right now!" Or my personal favorite, a stifled look of incredulity at my good fortune and they say "good" and change the subject.  Or a mournful moan accompanied by: “I wish I had…", "That always happens to friends." or "This never happens to me.”

What do we do about jealousy of others during this year of mercy? A wise priest that I know once advised me on the subject to pray: “Jesus, meek and humble of heart, make my heart more like yours.” He also suggested praying to Mary. I would add the same prayer: “Mary, meek and humble of heart, make my heart more like yours.” Then, maybe our feathers won’t be so ruffled and the queasy feeling we have in our stomach around secure people can subside.

What can we do about feeling jealousy in others? Instead of ordering girls to stop comparing, I’m a fan of positive direction. Let’s boost our sisters in Christ up and be charitable in our words and speech, not getting on a pedestal and not talking about ourselves so much but becoming  humble enough to focus on the other in conversation.

Hopefully, St. Paul’s letter to the Thessalonians can be said about us as well, once we put mercy into practice.

”Therefore, encourage one another and build one another up, as indeed you do.” (1 Thessalonians 5:11 New American Bible).