St. Peter's Diary

The homily I preached, Third Sunday in Easter, April 10, 2016, at St. Kateri / St. Margaret Mary, Irondequoit, NY:

Biblical scholars believe that there was another Gospel, long lost, often referred to as the “Q” Gospel, that came before the synoptic Gospels – Matthew Mark and Luke, and was the starting point for each of those Evangelists’ gospels. Just last week there was a story in the news – archeologists in the Holy Land uncovered an ancient text – which they believe might just be this long lost “Q” Gospel.

As I was meditating and praying on these readings, I imagined - what if these same archeologists uncovered another ancient text, the ancient diary, or personal journal, of the same St. Peter who figures so prominently in today’s Gospel. And that you and I got to read the pages of this journal he might have written around the time of Holy Week and just after – those days we’ve been remembering and celebrating these last few weeks. What is it that Peter might have written?

So here are few of the pages I imagine he might have written in his daily journal:

Friday, March 25 – The worst day of my life, bar none. I mean maybe we should have seen it coming, they’ve been threatening Jesus for weeks, and He’s been dropping hints about what might happen, but last night they finally got him – we were in the garden after supper, and along comes this small army of the temple guard led by, of all people, Judas! And they arrested the Lord! I was panicked. Didn’t know what to do.

They hauled him off to the chief priests, mocked him, spat on him. Took him to Pilate and he gave in and ordered that he be crucified! And that’s just what they did – they’ve killed my Lord, my friend, my best friend, and I’m beside myself. I don’t know what to do – I’m afraid they’ll come for me next, and at the same time I’m so despondent, I’m tempted to end it all like Judas just did.

‘Cause as if it’s not bad enough that they murdered my Lord, I denied Him. Three times. And I’m pretty sure He heard me that last time. Don’t even know the man, I said. My betrayal was the last thing he heard come out of my mouth. NOOO! I have no idea how I can go on.

Sunday March 27 – the most amazing day of my life, bar none. Got the group together in the upper room, and then here comes Mary Magdalen saying something about the Lord not being in his tomb. John and I raced to the tomb, found it empty, the cloths all rolled up. Could it be? I mean, he said he’d be raised from the dead after three days, but we had no idea what he was talking about.

Then tonight, he came and stood before us. Stood right before us! Jesus is alive! Unbelievable I know, but there he was! First words out of his mouth were “peace be with you.” Peace, right. For right then it hit me. As overjoyed as I was, how can I forget how I let him down, how I abandoned him in his time of need. I kept expecting him to pull me aside for “the talk.”

You know. The talk. Where he says “Peter, how could you? Here I am, staring death in the face, all alone, and my best friend, warming himself at a charcoal fire, says he doesn’t even know me. Well, Peter, you let me down. Totally. I was totally wrong about you. You don’t even know me? Well guess what. I don’t know you either. I thought you could do the job, be my main man, and all you got is ‘I don’t even know the man.’”

But all he said was “Peace be with you.” Twice again. He must be saving “the talk” for later.

Sunday April 3 – we were hanging out in the room again, and there he was again – the Lord! Totally weird – I mean I’m just filled with joy to see him, to know that He lives, yet each time he looks at me I have to look away. I’m not looking forward to “the talk.”

Anyway, Thomas was there tonight. Touched the Lord’s nailmarks, put his hand right in his side. Said “My Lord and My God.” I wanted to shout “AMEN” but thought it best not to be noticed. I don’t know what I’m gonna do.

Friday April 8 – I’m completely confused. So filled with joy to think that Jesus lives, and so filled with anxiety, and fear even, for that inevitable moment when he points at me and says “Peter we gotta talk.” Maybe he didn’t hear me. Nah. He heard me. He looked right at me. Looked so hurt, so let down. I think it’s best if I head back to Galilee, back to fishing.

Sunday April 10 – the most amazing day of my life. You know how fearful I was of “the talk?” Well it all started out this morning. We were out in the boat, catching nothing. Dude on the shore tells us “try the other side of the boat.” Right. Like we have no idea what we’re doing. Thanks for the advice. Anyway, what the heck. We did it, and almost broke the nets we caught so many fish! That dude? – it was the Lord!

I was so excited, I jumped right in and swam to Him. I so want to be with him again. But I’m so afraid of him.

Anyway, he had a fire going and said “bring over some of those fish.” Charcoal fire. Uh oh. Charcoal again. He must have heard me. Here it comes-the talk. Brace myself.

But as he’s done ever since we first met, he completely surprised me. Oh it was clear, he heard me all right, but there was no scorn, no judgment, no criticism either. No. All he did was ask me, “Peter do you love me?” Three times. Of course I said yes. This was my second chance. To say “yes” three times. Yes, Lord, you KNOW that I love you. Then “Feed my lambs. Tend my sheep. Feed my sheep.”

And that was it. He completely forgave me. Completely healed me. Completely accepted me. Drenched me in His mercy.

I’ve never felt so free in all my life. So relieved. So unburdened.

So loved.

It was the most amazing moment of my life. I’ll never forget it. That’s for sure.

And here’s the thing. Now I know what my life is all about. For all the rest of my days, my life is about him. Jesus. The Lord of my life. I will never abandon him again. Who knows, I may even have to die for him. Bring it on, I’m ready.
* * * * * * *

And that’s all they found of this journal.

My sisters and brother, you and I know the rest of this story. That this man Peter, who failed the Lord, sinful and weak as he was, was chosen by Jesus for the vocation to lead Our Lord’s new Church, to tend His sheep and feed His lambs, and we know that he did, in fact, go to his own death for the sake of the name of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Next Sunday is the World Day of Prayer for vocations, a day in which we are all called to pray for vocations in the Church. You and I, brothers and sisters, despite our own sinfulness, despite our own weakness, maybe even if we’ve betrayed the Lord, you and I are called to listen and take up our own vocations in the Church, whatever that might look like. Maybe a new vocation. Maybe ever deepening vocation.

All this week, it would be very good for each one of us, young and old, to ask the Lord – what is it you’re calling me to do, to be? Lord, how would you have me give you my life in service to you and your people?

And He will answer, if we listen.

Whatever is our vocation, whether that means consecrated religious, faithful husband or wife, devoted and loving priest, servant deacon, or any of the myriad ways of serving in the Church, know this. He is looking on us with eyes of love, and mercy, and compassion, and He is calling each of us, to feed His lambs. Tend His sheep. Feed His sheep.

In love and thanksgiving, let each of us, as Peter did, answer His call and embrace our vocation.