In the Silent Hours of the Night

The hours of the night between two and five are my least favorite. Not because my baby had suddenly started crying every night at that time and refusing to go back to sleep. Not because the air conditioning was broken and I was sleeping on a mattress at my parents house. Not because I had a trying head cold that made sleeping nearly impossible. No, it wasn't any of those reasons. It was because between those hours in the darkness of the night, I am alone. 

I rolled over to look at my phone even though I could've guessed the time to the minute. 3:47 a.m. My baby in my arms arched his back and refused to nurse. The air of the small room filled with his tiny cry and I knew his stomach hurt. I stood up and started to bounce and sway knowing that I'd be bouncing and swaying until his body finally figured out how to push out a little gas or something more. 

My mind often wanders in the darkness. Often the devil likes to try to edge his way in as I feel so lonely. He tries to bring up images of how I failed through the day. The times I was impatient with my kids. The times I was lazy and scrolled a little too long on my phone. I try to shut out these thoughts by making plans for the next day. Ways to do better but ultimately I get lost further in loneliness as I remind myself this isn't the first time I planned to do better only to be met with the first road bump of the day and fall into the same bag habits. And there I am. In the dark, alone.

“In the silent hours of the night, bless the Lord.” These words drift in from the corners of my mind as the baby struggles in my arms. The words we recite every day during night prayer. “In the silent hours of the night, bless the Lord.” Here I am in the silent hours of the night. I take a deep breath and repeat the words in my mind again. “In the silent hours of the night, bless the Lord." 

I wait for some relief from the loneliness but it's still dark and my baby is still crying, but even in loneliness the Holy Spirit is working. He's moving in the silent hours of the night. I know I'm not alone even if it feels like I am because even as I'm blessing the Lord in the night, they are still hours and hours come to an end. And when morning comes, I will open my lips up bless t

he Lord.