Don't Alienate Your Non-Religious Family This Year

Whether you're hosting a huge family dinner or having Friends Thanksgiving, you're likely to run into people who aren't Catholic, people who have mostly walked away from their Catholic faith, or lukewarm Catholics who are still going to Mass, but lack the joy of our great faith. If you’re anything like me, you find yourself surrounded by mostly non-religious people whom you love, but you wish they had a better relationship with Jesus. It can feel tempting when you have their undivided attention, sometimes for the only moment all year, to want to shake them and say, “Wake up, you need Jesus in your life! You’re missing the whole point!”

But of course, brow beating people over appetizers is never successful. Berating people for their life choices only makes them think you’re not very loving, and that Jesus must not be either. This year, I want you to focus on having loving reactions and nudging people toward Jesus and resist the urge to push them with great force. Here are two examples:

"Oh my boyfriend and I are moving in together!"

You may be tempted to talk about how morally wrong this is, but pause for a moment. If this person doesn't believe in Jesus, she doesn't think it's wrong. Now is not the time to pop her balloon of joy and jam in a restrictive list of how to be a Christian. Instead, treat her with kindness.

Here's what I would say: "It’s great you love each other very much. Where are you living? You guys should find a church near you. That's a great way to make new friends and get to know your neighborhood."

Note that I sound positive about the situation. I don’t say, “It’s great you’re moving in together.”That would be a lie. But in this situation there is some genuine good. This couple loves each other enough to make a serious commitment – as serious as a lease can be. Love is a good thing. Greatness can be born out of love. I’ve known many devout Catholic couples who converted after marriage. I just treat everyone like they could also be one of these couples.

By sharing her excitement and address the real good in her situation, I don't feel like I'm condoning their behavior. Anyone who knows me, knows I'm Catholic and knows I don't believe in sex before marriage or living together. We don't need to break that down in this moment. So instead, I choose to be happy for my friend because this is a momentous event for her and she is happy. Now is not the moment to lecture or become somber about her plans. Her soul will not be won in this moment. Instead I focus on the good, which is love. They obviously care about each other a lot to make such a big commitment. Celebrate love.

Also see how I don’t specify Catholic Church. If someone has Catholic beginnings, then I will definitely nudge them in that direction, but most of us are friends with or family members of completely unchurched people. I find that it can be easier to take a gentle step into the welcoming community of a Protestant church than the Catholic Church, which can often feel closed to non-members. Not all Catholic Churches are like this. If you’ve got a rockin’ local Catholic Church who will welcome this couple with open arms, pick that! But I’d rather have this couple meet Jesus, and if a Protestant church is the best first step, let’s start there.

In the meantime, don't worry about them meeting Protestant Jesus. Getting someone to love Jesus is the ultimate goal. And I'm convinced that once they encounter Jesus, it's much easier for me to bring them over to the Catholic side. We have such a deep history and such unshakable truth, that people will be drawn to what we believe.

"My [same-sex] husband and I just adopted a baby!"

This is also not the time to beat this person over the head with negative Jesus. If we start berating this guy for loving his partner and choosing to take care of a child, what will he think about the heart of Jesus? No wonder so many people have walked away from the Church. Nothing you say in this moment is going to suddenly make this man realize he's living in sin. And pointing that out is just going to alienate him from you. Then you will have no power to lead him to Jesus, and he'll be harder for someone else to reach.

Instead, try to spend time with that child. You can always lead an innocent child to Jesus and that should be a priority for all of us who have influence over children who are put in our lives. Imagine you reaching the heart of that child who grows up to be a devout Catholic and ultimately converts his parents. That happens! It's beautiful and powerful!

You don’t have to lie or hide who you are.

I don't lie about what I believe. If someone point blank asks me if I agree with same-sex marriage, I will say that I do not. But this rarely happens to me. I can't think of one time that someone has point blank asked me if I agree or not with a hot topic, when they didn't already know what my position was. And in those moments I say, "You know what I believe and I certainly don't want to argue about it right now. Do you have any specific questions you want me to answer?"

Someone is either looking for a fight in which case, I try to diffuse the situation and redirect it to a more positive direction, or they are genuinely interested in learning more and then I'm happy to share. Combative people aren't looking to be educated or to change their mind. I'm not interested in sparring for no reason. Someone who disagrees with my position, but wants to better understand my beliefs, will ask gently and be kind about my responses even if they don't agree. I'm always happy to have that kind of discussion. It doesn't make me feel uncomfortable and it exposes holes in my arguments.

If I can't explain my position well, I will go and do more research until I can. It doesn't make me doubt my position to not have all the answers. I have the Church to help me know what is right and wrong but it does point out that I could do a better job of articulating why the Church holds certain stances on current issues.

This holiday season, we should wrap everything in love. All our words and shared stories should be about love. We should bring Jesus into every part of our life. We should point to Him when talking about all our joy and all our trials. He is at the center of everything. We can meet people where they are at and encourage them to take a step toward loving God, no matter how small that step might be. We won’t be able to change the world if we are constantly hurting people’s feelings and alienating them or complaining about our own circumstances. We must radiate the love of Christ. Here is a link to an article I published earlier: 5 Ways To Evangelize This Holiday Season

Go spread the love of Christ!