The Fear of Looking Foolish

First of all, I should say that I’m right there along with you. I had so many ideas about how to make this the best Lent ever. I was going to make so many sacrifices and spend so much time in prayer.
They were all great ideas, but somehow, one by one they got left behind. As I felt more and more ashamed, I gave it less and less thought. I didn’t want to feel that I had failed, so I didn’t feel at all.
Lent sort of just passed by for the most part until Palm Sunday. That’s when I started paying attention again.
In the middle of Mass, during that long Gospel, I was reflecting on Christ’s Passion and trying to let it really sink in again. Soon after, I heard the voice of the Lord in my heart.
I always expect to feel the guilt prompting me to promise to do better. Usually when that happens, I feel nothing except shame. Then when I try to make a change, it doesn’t last long and I end up discouraged.
This time, I didn’t feel that. I heard Him say, “I miss you.”
That’s not what I expected to hear.
I didn’t feel the shame of failure again like I expected. That didn’t seem to matter in this moment. It was the pleasant surprise of meeting a friend you haven’t seen for a long time.
It was then that I realized I missed Him too. It had been a while since we had really talked. The sacrifices I had meant to keep didn’t bring me closer to Him. In fact, I had avoided really talking to Him because then I’d have to admit I was failing.
It was around the same time that I read something that Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI said:
“Holiness does not consist in not making mistakes or never sinning. Holiness grows with the capacity for conversion, repentance, willingness to begin again, and above all with the capacity for reconciliation and forgiveness.”
A “good Lent” does not depend on how strictly you kept your Lenten sacrifice, like I had foolishly believed once again. A “good Lent” is one that helps you grow in readiness to repent.
Likewise, a worthy man is not the one who feels righteous on his feet, but makes himself righteous on his knees.
No matter how well you have kept your Lenten promises, we all should be ready to repent at all times, ready to hit that confessional - not in shame but in contrition.
Yes, once again this Lent I have discovered how truly little I can help myself.
But I guess that’s why we have Easter, right? So we can be helped by Him.
During the Easter Vigil, the Church reads Isaiah 54, in which the Lord says “For a brief moment I forsook you, but with great compassion I will gather you. In overflowing wrath for a moment I hid my face from you, but with everlasting mercy I will have compassion on you” (Is 54:7-8).
Our actions will have their consequences, but the Lord doesn’t desire to punish us. He desires us.
If you’ve realized yet again that you desire Him, you’ve had a successful Lent.