To Commit or Not To Commit? That is the Question!

I was surfing the net a few weeks ago when I came across an article featuring the current University of Washington Huskies Football Coach Chris Peterson. The reporter asked Coach Peterson his opinion of the upcoming National Signing Day, when high school seniors commit to college football programs across the country for the next four years of their lives.

Specifically, the reporter wanted to know Coach Peterson’s position on a recruit committing to his program. Without hesitation, he remarked that when a recruit commits to play for him, the process is done and finalized. If the recruit pledges to play for him but is still looking at other schools, he does not consider that recruit committed. (footnote 1)

The writer considered his remarks “unique.” (footnote 2) It is true that in the world of college football, and sports in general, players do flip from one program to another. It is the nature of the beast.

However, the fact this reporter found Coach Peterson’s take on commitment “unique” illustrates a larger issue with modern day society: We fear commitment. As guys, we tend to run from commitments.
There is no other commitment men are running from at a more alarming rate than marriage and family. I will admit it. I have run from a relationship for over the last ten years of my life. I know that script all too well, as do many of my friends. And sadly, women are suffering as a result.

A friend told me of a young woman who is looking into getting a sperm donor in order to have a child. Her reason?

“I can’t find any good guys out there.”

I know of another woman who lives in a luxury apartment, makes six figures and travels the globe. Yet, she is currently in therapy. Why? She is in her mid-thirties, single and what she really desires is a husband and family.

Instead of raking men over the coals for our lack of commitment, we should instead ask ourselves, “Why do I fear making a commitment to marriage?”

There are many reasons but I would like to share three that I have observed.

We have been wounded.

We fear failure.

We want to be in control.

THE WOUND

Every guy, and girl for that matter, has baggage. All of us have been wounded by something, whether it is rejection, an absentee parent, trauma, drugs, alcohol or sex. Everyone you see on a day-to-day basis is dealing with something from the past.

Does that mean we are defiled or less worthy of love? Not in the least! All it means is everyone is a sinner in desperate need of a Savior.

After suffering rejection and being bullied in middle school and high school, I ran to porn to fill that void. Trying to self-medicate gave me isolation, regret, rejection and uncontrollable anger. Feeding the wound with negativity never brings healing or wholeness, it only deepens the void all of us feel in our hearts.

A PARALYZING FEAR

Fear. It is the one word men know all too well, but we never speak about it. Being afraid is a universal feeling. Every guy deals with it. We fear taking on new tasks, new jobs and taking new risks. We fear failure in marriage.

What do we do when we buy into these lies? Instead of conquering them, we settle. We choose to go with the safer option and it is killing us. We trade in the beautiful reality of human love for the image, as I did, or for a trial marriage like cohabitation. All the while, we watch our hearts die a slow, agonizing death. We live a pseudo-life, a life based upon this lie that we do not have it in us. Once we settle for this lie, sadly, we allow the desires of our hearts to be thrown to the wayside and settle for the life we never intended to have.

A MAN WITH A PLAN

Control – I will admit. I love control. I hate losing it. Because I want to be in control I have a tendency to stay on my own little island. The only problem is control is limiting. You can only enjoy your comfort zone so much. As long as we choose control over love, comfort over risk, we will always be searching for something that only stepping outside of ourselves will give us.

PART II: CONQUERING THE FEARS, HEALING THE WOUNDS

Now that we have examined these reasons we run from marriage, we deserve to ask ourselves, “What can we do to overcome these issues so we can find the love we are looking for and are worthy of?”

REDEEM THE GIFT!

While it is true that every man has been wounded, it is an even greater truth that our wounds need to be healed and our hearts made whole again. Regardless of what others say, as men, we owe this to ourselves. The tragedy is not being wounded. The tragedy is allowing our wounds to dictate the rest of our lives.

Allowing the past to dictate the future is the worst thing we can do. I bought into that for years. However, the mission of Christ is to heal and restore our hearts to wholeness. If you need further proof, read John 3:16: “God so loved the world that he sent his only Son. That those who believe in him may not perish, but have eternal life.”

John Paul II emphasized, “Christ fully reveals man to himself and makes his supreme calling clear.” (footnote 3) All this means is Christ reflects our true identity back to us. He restores and re-invigorates our hearts bringing us back to what matters: loving others and being loved by them. In a word, Christ, restores that gift and makes us whole again for the sake of love.

How do we accomplish this? Spending time with Him in confession, mass and adoration. When I do this, far from robbing me of my hearts desires, I feel like Christ is restoring what the past robbed me of.

YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES!

As much as we fear failure, there is a deeper drive in us that longs for something new; that asks for a challenge. The desire conquer the summit is greater than our fear of never getting there. Being challenged as a man is a good thing. We want to be challenged, to try new things and conquer the demons of the past.

The only question that lingers is “Can I do this?” Let me answer that question with a question. Have you ever noticed why God wants us to pursue difficult tasks? He wants us to prove to ourselves what He already knows, that we have what it takes!

We should ask ourselves, “Would I try something I was absolutely incapable of?” Better yet, would God, who is all-merciful, ask the impossible from you? Would he place a beautiful woman in our lives, dangle her in front of us and tell us “keep dreaming”?

If the desire for marriage is on your hearts, as it is on mine, just as God brought Eve to Adam, when the time is right He will unveil our beloved before our eyes, and give us the strength to act, knowing we can pursue her, free to love and full of love!

FROM LIMITS TO LIMITLESS

There was an excellent Facebook post that read “Life Begins Where Your Comfort Zone Ends.” It is so true. Fear, confusion, hurt and anger drive us to our comfort zone. But none of us are meant to be an island. No man is meant to be alone. Control, aside from limiting us, keeps us isolated. It keeps us inside ourselves while shutting down our hearts in the process.

How do we get outside ourselves? How do you stop letting the parade pass you by? I asked my therapist that same question and she said, “You join in!”

When I let go and enjoy my life, limits cease to exist and the world is filled with endless possibilities.

I encourage you to start making commitments to the little things and the bigger things will follow. Commit to working out, getting up at the sound of your alarm or spending time with friends. Your confidence will build and you will be capable of committing (or re-committing) to the woman God has for you!

If you really want to give yourself fully to a woman, start by giving what you are to Our Lady. No matter your state in life, talk to Her as a son would to his mother. I promise you, She will alleviate your fears, replace the limits with endless possibilities and affirm your ability to pursue the life and love you want!

All you need to do is invite Her in!

footnote 1 - Gold, Jason. “Christ Peterson’s Take on ‘Commitments’ Is Unique.” http://www.foxsports.com/college-football/story/washington-huskies-chris-petersen-s-take-on-commitments-is-unique-020116 (paraphrased)

footnote 2 - Gold, Jason. “Christ Peterson’s Take on ‘Commitments’ Is Unique.” http://www.foxsports.com/college-football/story/washington-huskies-chris-petersen-s-take-on-commitments-is-unique-020116

footnote 3 - Pope Paul VI, Pastoral Constitution on the Church in The Modern World, Guadium Et Spes, Vatican Council II, December 7, 1965. http://www.vatican.va/archive/hist_councils/ii_vatican_council/documents/vat-ii_const_19651207_gaudium-et-spes_en.html