A Dark Night of My Soul, and the YouTube Video that Saved It

For several years I have given a presentation to the OCIA classes in my parish. It’s titled Living a Spiritual Life. It’s one of the highlights of my year because I am honored to share my faith with brand new Catholics and because it renews my own commitment to living a life rooted in my Lord and Savior and the Holy Catholic Church. It’s like a shot in the arm—a renewal of faith—that I need some years.

Why is that? I suppose I just get so used to the day-to-day movements of my faith, the prayers I say at Mass or at home, my march up to the altar to receive Communion, saying the Creed, and saying a rosary that it all becomes rote. Giving a talk to those who aren’t there yet, who still feel the intensity of becoming Catholic, gets my juices flowing again.

I usually start by telling them why I might be the right person to talk to them about living a spiritual life—that is, my Catholic education, the fact that I’ve never strayed from the Church, the years I attended Diaconate Formation with my husband (every class for five years) and then continued for three more years in the Archdiocese of Philadelphia’s Church Ministry Institute.

I don’t know that these facts make me an expert or even suitable to give this topic credence, but I have done my research, shared important information, and the evening is usually well received by the candidates and catechumen.

In my presentation about living a spiritual life, I tell them that we must always be running toward Christ—using the sacraments and sacramentals to run that race. And then one year, about two years ago, I wasn’t certain I should give this presentation. I almost gave it up. I couldn’t tell anyone to run toward Christ, because, for more than a year, I found myself running in the opposite direction.

It’s difficult to explain why. I could come up with numerous reasons: it started during Covid isolation, and the terror of that virus, so I blamed that at first. I had trouble finding God in all of the deaths I was reading about and hearing about. In addition, I blamed Church issues and confusing messages from the Vatican, which I could focus on since there wasn’t much else to do during the shutdown. And then I developed some painful health issues, so I used that as an excuse to not go back to Church.

Why doesn’t matter. I was in an unrelenting void. The fact that I did have a major faith crisis was terrifying even though I was acting as though it wasn’t. I had never wondered where God was before that time, and worse, if there was a God. I tried to push that thought away, but it was nagging me,

At my age, a crisis of faith should be behind me. I have always loved God and my faith unconditionally, through all the highs and lows in my life. I know how blessed I am, how grateful I should be to the God who has always shown love to me.I know better

All the prayers that had been a part of my life were lost to me. I felt blank about faith—indifferent about the triune God. I was empty. I felt alone.

Months went by. I stopped watching Mass on television and didn’t go back on Sundays when the danger of Covid was over. I made every excuse in the book to my deacon husband so he wouldn’t suspect what I was feeling. I didn’t want to share it with him or argue with him about it. I suppose I didn’t want him to give me sensible reasons why I shouldn’t feel that way. He's a deacon, it's his job to get me back on track. But he's my husband, and I didn't want to hear it.

The night that I was scheduled to give my talk to the OCIA candidates was approaching, so you can see my dilemma: Who was I to instruct others on living a spiritual life when I didn’t live one? I detest hypocrites, and I wasn’t going to be one to save face in my parish.

And then something profound happened.

My husband was surfing through YouTube to find something interesting to watch and stopped on a video about Eucharistic Miracles. He started watching it while I was drinking coffee and looking at Facebook on my cell phone, completely indifferent.

I couldn’t stay indifferent when one after another the video described Eucharistic miracles from all over the world—Poland, Italy, Argentina, Mexico—and they weren’t all from long ago but many were more recent. I put down the phone and the coffee and found myself leaning toward the television to concentrate on what I was hearing. There have been more than 100 Church-approved Eucharistic miracles. This program prompted me to continue to research this further and I discovered some amazing facts.

A cardiologist named Franco Serafini from Bologna, Italy, decided to devote much of his time to studying Eucharistic Miracles around the world. Here is a brief summary of his findings:

·         The hosts that were bleeding were heart tissue and came from inside the host, not from outside—the blood and tissue weren’t put there.

·         The heart tissue is living.

·         The myocardial tissue shows signs of suffering—stress.

·         It’s always AB blood type

·         There is the presence of an elusive DNA.

This ended my dark night of the soul. How could I deny that our Lord is real, He’s present in the Eucharist just as we’ve always been told, and we need to receive Him to keep our faith alive. I got myself to confession and to the very next Mass available.

Reception of the Holy Eucharist is the source and summit of our faith. We cannot take it for granted. Every time we receive, we must remember that we are receiving the living being of Christ and of His broken heart…His heart tissue and sacred blood, confirmed by a man of science, a physician, a cardiologist. 

Before this faith crisis, I had never needed signs or miracles to believe. I just accepted what I had been taught and then taught it to others. Maybe that wasn’t always good…maybe I needed this crisis for my faith to come alive again, to be strengthened. But I don’t recommend it.

I hope no one has to go through a period of loss—an ennui of faith. If you feel it coming on, run to confession, where your soul is healed, then go to Mass and receive the Eucharist. Don’t stop praying—pray harder. Think about what you are missing. Our Lord who is present and living within you. I didn’t have that for more than a year. I’ll never get back those moments of grace that I denied myself when I didn’t receive our Lord, but I’ll never abandon Him again. My running shoes are on and I’m running toward Christ once more.

The Miracle Hunter: A Cardiologist's Journey into Eucharistic Miracles (ewtnvatican.com)

Scientific Evidence of Eucharistic Miracles - Inspired By Carlo Acutis - YouTube