Shame and Shamelessnes: The Spousal Meaning of the Body as an Antidote to Lust

SHAME AND SHAMELESSNESS: THE SPOUSAL MEANING OF THE BODY AS AN ANTIDOTE TO LUST & PORN ABUSE

Glenn M Lanham

In his seminal work, Man and Woman He Created Them: A Theology of the Body, Pope

St. John Paul II (hereafter John Paul) lays out his thesis of the Spousal meaning of the Body. I

will intend, in this document, to show how his creative approach to Scripture and sexual ethics,

particularly regarding shame, can help those struggling with lust and/ or pornography use and

abuse, which is based on a distortive, reductive view of the human body and utilitarian

approach to pleasure.

John Paul defines the spousal meaning in this passage, reflecting on Vatican II’s

Gaudium et Spes 24:3, and the book of Genesis, in this way: “If...the interior freedom of the gift

--the disinterested gift of self--lies at the root of nakedness--then precisely this gift allows both

the man and woman to find each other reciprocally, inasmuch as the Creator willed each of

them ‘for his own sake’ (Gaudium et Spes, 24:3). In the first beatifying encounter, thus he finds

the woman and she finds him. In this way, he welcomes her within himself (and she welcomes

him within herself), welcomes her as she is willed ‘for her own sake’ by the Creator, as she is

constituted in the mystery of the image of God through her femininity and reciprocally, she

welcomes him in the same way. In this consists the revelation and the discovery of the ‘spousal’

meaning of the body.” [i]To clarify: the naked human body before original sin was a revelation

of the Gift--that God willed man for himself, and he can only “find” himself through a sincere

gift of himself, to paraphrase Vatican II. The first man and woman realized this was a

reciprocal gift, written as it were, into their own bodies, as a form of “speech.”

What does this original nakedness (of Man and Woman) mean, especially for our topic?

Gen. 2:25 states “Now both were naked...but they did not feel shame.” This nakedness without

shame “undoubtedly describes their state of consciousness, or even better, their reciprocal

experience of the body...By affirming ‘they did not feel shame’ the author intends to describe

this reciprocal experience with the greatest precision possible for him.” [ii] After the original sin

occurred, “...the eyes of both were opened, and they realized that they were naked; they sewed

fig leaves together and made loincloths... (Gen.3:7). So, before sin, they saw each other in their

nakedness, but felt no shame; in fact, they saw each other in the light of the spousal meaning

of the body. After sin, shame-and concupiscence- sometimes mistakenly translated as “lust,”

despite it having a broader meaning, enters in; and they seem tied together, according to John

Paul. [iii]

Nevertheless, Christ the Redeemer came, and sets us free from our sin and our shame, if

we allow Him. When we are in a state of grace, Gods send His Spirit to dwell in us. What does

this mean for the “man of concupiscence”? John Paul reminds us of this Indwelling; that our

body is the Temple of the Holy Spirit (1Corinthians 6:19): “It follows from this that man’s body

is no longer only ‘his own.’ Paul believes that a sin against the body is also a profaning of the

Temple.” [iv] In this profanation, shame enters in.

In the therapeutic work, Letting Go of Shame, therapists Ronald and Patricia

Potter-Efron describe the danger inherent in toxic shame after the Fall: “Isolation is a common

reaction to feelings of shame. The more deeply a person is shamed, the more she will tend to

hide her thoughts, feelings, and actions from others. People who are shamed keep vast areas of

their lives a secret because they believe that others would scorn them if others knew who they

really were. Unfortunately, shame prospers in secrecy"[v]. As we learned from John Paul, shame

and concupiscence go together. Someone who struggles with lust and/or porn, not exactly an

accepted problem today, despite its prevalence and availability, would seem to be likely to hide

this issue in secrecy and isolation. Karol Wojtyla (later John Paul II), defines this further as

regards our sexual shame: “Particular objects of shame are those parts and organs of the body

which determine its sex. Human beings show an almost universal tendency to conceal them

from the gaze of others, and particularly of persons of the other sex. This largely explains the

need they feel to avoid nakedness.” [vi] Unlike hiding oneself from others, hiding certain parts of

one's body seems appropriate in most situations, and vice-versa: it is improper to gaze upon

these more private parts of another unless in the marital embrace of sexual union.

Is this a hopeless situation? Or are there remedies for toxic shame today? “But much of

shame develops and grows through our relationship with others. That shame can best be

addressed when we come out of isolation and communicate with others. In general, damage

from shame begins to heal when that shame is exposed to others in a safe environment. We need

the courage to let others see the parts of us that we ourselves condemn. When we do so, and

when the persons who see our shame accept rather than condemn us, we will gradually gain

confidence that we are fully human.” [vii] Again, finding safe groups in which to share our shame

is a healthy remedy: “A person’s sense of belonging will increase when he can move towards

others who validate and appreciate his humanity...It is fine to start by approaching relatively safe

groups (...such as Alcoholics Anonymous).” [viii] For those who feel they are addicted as

regards our topic, I would recommend Sexaholics Anonymous (www.sa.org), or Catholics in

Recovery (www.catholicinrecovery.com), both of whom have a sexual sobriety definition which

aligns with Catholic moral teaching. Very much in alignment with John Paul (and St. Paul

himself I would add), the Efrons set a goal for those in addictive/shame traps: “The goal is to

develop dignity and healthy pride by taking away shame’s power over us. We need to refuse to

let shame control what we do, how we feel, and what we think.” [ix] John Paul reiterates this

(reflecting on St. Paul’s writings): “Abstaining ‘from unchastity,’ which implies keeping the

body ‘with holiness and reverence’...show that according to Paul purity is an ability centered on

the dignity of the body, that is, on the dignity of the person in relation to his or her own body.” [x]

We can keep shame at bay by doing actions that uphold the dignity of the body, the “temple of

the Holy Spirit.”

An odd situation, particularly focused on the body and sexuality, is

shamelessness. One can easily think of historical examples of prostitutes or modern day “adult”

stars who seem to run to another extreme and to exhibit a brazen shamelessness, often

regarding their own body. The Potter-Efrons call this phenomenon “shame-deficiency”: “The

shame-deficient person needs to practice modesty and privacy to counter-balance the tendency

to display himself excessively. The modest person does not call extra attention to herself...She

does not need to tell others everything about herself. Her modesty reflects an inner-peace—she

knows who she is and has confidence in her value as a human being.” [xi] As opposed to the

shame-based person, the Adam’s of this world who run from God in the garden and hide, a

shameless person needs to focus on modesty, privacy, and humility as a major remedy.

What about in public displays such as “modern art,” movies, and other public shows? Is

it a danger to cross boundaries there, both for those who produce and those who view them? In

his great pre-theology of the body work, Love and Responsibility, John Paul refers to

pornography in art as “shamelessness.” “Pornography is a marked tendency to accentuate the

sexual element when reproducing the human body or human love in a work of art, with the

object of inducing the reader or viewers to believe that sexual values are the only real values of

the person...This tendency is harmful, for it destroys the integral image of that important

fragment of human reality which is love between man and woman.” [xii] This is unacceptable,

sinful even, and “when we condemn pornography, we should often put the blame on immaturity

and impurity, the absence of ‘emotional shame’ in those responsible for it.” [xiii] This gives rise

to an “appropriate” sexual shame response. “We can then say that the phenomenon of shame

arises when something which of its very nature or in view of its purpose ought to be private

passes the bounds of a person’s privacy and somehow becomes public...The need for

concealment, characteristic of shame, arises in man because it finds in him, if I may put it this

way, a terrain—his inner life—which lends itself to concealment.” [xiv] Christian therapist G.

Corey Carlisle writes: “It seems many of us have an uncertain relationship with beauty,

especially when it comes to the human form. We stand in awe at the breathtaking wonder of our

created form, and yet there is often fear of using and objectifying others for our own selfish

entertainment.” [xv] A legitimate fear indeed. The body has dignity, our own and others, and

should be treated as such. This too, has significance for the spousal meaning of the body.

John Paul concludes that such a weakness, to objectify another, is very often a masculine

temptation. “Since sensuality, which is oriented towards ‘the body as an object of enjoyment,’ is

in general, stronger and more importunate in men, modesty and shame--the tendency to conceal

sexual values specifically connected with the body—must be more pronounced in girls and

women"[xvi]. He notes that women in general are more intuitive and emotional, and do not

see the necessity of always covering the body as a moral imperative. A male is “however, very

keenly aware of his own sensuality, and this for him is the source of shame. For him, sexual

values are more closely bound up with the body and sex as potential objects of enjoyment, this

is the form in which he becomes aware of them, and experienced in this way, they become for

him a cause of shame. He is then, ashamed above all of the way in which he reacts to the sexual

“values of persons of the other sex.” [xvii] So, the consequence of this human tendency is that

males are much more visual, triggered by body parts, etc. Porn, then, becomes his deadly

poison. It isolates all these sexual values removed from the difficulties and real-life relationships

with all their hardships, give and take, and becomes an easy, quick fix. But when it gets brought

into the light, the shame cycle begins again and the only “easy, quick way” to get away from the

pain is to turn back to the very lust cycle that got him in trouble to begin with. I certainly do not

intend to imply that women do not have struggles along these lines, it is just that males are

hardwired in certain ways and porn becomes their “instant drug.”

Does God not have a solution for those who are “wired” in this way? Carlisle asks: "Can

we delight in sensual beauty and not sin? I believe so, though we are rarely taught of this

possibility...Psychiatrist and spiritual counselor Gerald May uses the term ‘detachment’ to

describe a type of freedom of desire, which is not freedom from desire, but freedom of desire.

The desire is free in the sense of not being attached to a particular object or outcome...It allows

us to be fascinated by the beauty we see in each other, without becoming attached to it, either by

restricting our focus to certain body parts or desiring some concrete sexual outcome.” [xviii]

John Paul includes a fascinating study on what love is NOT, in his Love and

Responsibility book. He notes that one of the predominant attitudes among moderns in their

mutual relations is “utilitarianism.” He declares that “true to its etymology, ‘utilitarianism’ puts

the emphasis on the usefulness (or otherwise) of any and every human activity. The useful is

whatever gives pleasure and excludes its opposite, for pleasure is the essential ingredient of

human happiness.” [xix] It is not hard to see how such attitudes can go awry in sexual matters. "A

person of the opposite sex cannot be for another person only the means to an end—in this case

sexual pleasure or delight. The belief that a human being is a person leads to the acceptance of

the postulate that enjoyment must be subordinated to love...This present book will have to

revert frequently to this critique, since utilitarianism is so characteristic of modern man’s

mentality and his attitude to life.” [xx]

If someone sees every encounter with the opposite sex as an opportunity for “use,”

something has gone far astray. “The virtue of chastity is underdeveloped in anyone who

is slow to affirm the value of the person and allows the values of sex to reign supreme; these,

once they take possession of the will distort one’s whole attitude to a person of the other sex.

The essence of chastity consists in quickness to affirm the value of the person in every situation,

and in raising to the personal level all reactions to the value of ‘the body and sex’”. [xxi]

The spousal meaning of the body leads us to see the other as “person,” as someone with

whom to exchange the reciprocal gift. Carlisle says we need to recover our “sexual wonder":

"Monuments such as the Coliseum in Rome, the Great Wall of China...evoke great wonder and

attract visitors from all over the world. However, our sexual bodies are even more marvelous

than these structures, as we have been created in the image of God. We are fearfully and

wonderfully made, and this includes our alluring power and erotic desires. It is spectacular sight

to view the unveiled glory of the human form, something artists have been drawn to for

generations.” [xxii]

This attitude of “using "another person has another real drawback: it boomerangs. “If I

treat someone else as a means and a tool in relation to myself I cannot help regarding myself in

the same light.” [xxiii] This becomes a vicious cycle, he who constantly treats others as a cog in

the wheel for his “use” eventually sees himself in the same way! John Paul does not leave us

hopeless here either, however. "The only escape from this otherwise inevitable egoism is by

recognizing beyond any purely subjective good, i.e., beyond pleasure, an objective good, which

can also unite persons—and thereby acquire the characteristics of a common good. Such an

objective common good is the foundation of love...Love is the unification of persons.” [xxiv]

There must be a sincere, concerted effort to seek for the common good with those whom we

relate. To use them for our pleasure or gain is destructive of everyone involved. Not

surprisingly, considering who wrote this previous quote, but does not one hear echoes of the

“spousal meaning” in his definition of love? Love is seeking the common good, or to use his

later terminology, man finds the spousal meaning of the body in a reciprocal gift of himself.

So, we have mentioned many errors, many ways of distorting the spousal meaning of the

body: lust, porn abuse, a utilitarian attitude to some “body’ who is actually a person. What now?

How can we combat this, healing through this spousal meaning? As usual, we turn to God and

His love: “As Father John Riccardo testifies: ‘Shame, especially sexual shame, is (ultimately)

not a barrier to God’s love. Indeed, when we finally tire of it enough that we are willing to bring

the truth of our chains of shame to the light we find that they become a bridge to personal

transformation"[xxv]. John Paul puts it in an even more elegant manner:” The inner man must

open himself to life according to the Spirit, in order to share in evangelical purity of heart: in

order to find again and realize the value of the body, freed by redemption from the bonds of

concupiscence"[xxvi].

Dr. Bob Schuchts, in his wonderful book Be Restored, gives us numerous ways to find

this healing that our sexually broken bodies and spirits need. “Healing occurs when we humbly

acknowledge our sexual wounds and sins and bring our broken hearts to Jesus, depending on

Him, (often working through His representatives in the Body of Christ) to restore us to sexual

integrity"[xxvii]. Grace builds on nature, to paraphrase Aquinas. We must begin with our human

nature and then move on to the supernatural. John Paul states, “We see clearly here how the

moral order is bound up with the existential order, the order of nature. Sexual morality is

deeply rooted in the laws of nature.” [xxviii]

Echoing John Paul’s anti-utilitarian stance, Schuchts guides us on a proper way of

viewing sexuality in its wholeness: “Sexual integrity entails thinking, feeling, and acting

according to the truth of who we are, in full conformity with God’s designs for our sexuality.

Dr. Janet Smith elaborates: ‘St. John Paul II used the term ‘sexual integrity’ to mean that a

person knows the truth about the meaning of sexuality, can abide in that truth, and joyfully acts

in accord with that truth’”. [xxix] How much of morality can be summed up in truth and

integrity? Once we know the truth of who we are, and honestly admit it, we begin to find that

freedom. This was touched upon earlier in our analysis of the Potter-Efron book; to meet with

others while honestly admitting who we are, yet being in a safe place where we are not rejected,

brings peace, integration and security to our sexuality and ourselves. Dr. Schuchts

elaborates: “...we can develop a spiritual family on earth, helping us to overcome immature

areas due to psychosexual wounds. We can be honest and vulnerable with people who love us

well. In this kind of nurturing, healing community, people can help one another get unstuck and

begin to mature again. No wonder the Bible is so emphatic about loving one another,

bearing each other’s burdens and being an active participant in the family of God!” [xxx]

As Catholics, we are not just members of a Christian group that can meet to

pray and talk about our struggles, to give “that reciprocal gift.” There is another element of the

“spousal meaning of the body” that we can draw from in our recovery. It is really a hidden

secret of Catholics in recovery. “But the Apostle Paul goes on to say that all of us, once impure,

have been washed by the blood of Christ (in Baptism) and are being made pure again by His

mercy and grace (see 1Corinthians 6:11). In those areas where we continue to have impure

thoughts, desires, and actions, we are invited to bathe constantly in Christ’s redeeming blood

through prayer and adoration, as well as through the sacraments of Reconciliation and

Eucharist (see 1 John 1:7)”. [xxxi] Christ’s” body,” given up entirely for his bride on the Cross,

was opened by a lance, pouring out blood and water (cf. John 19:34). This blood and water, as

numerous early Fathers tell us, symbolizes these two great Sacraments. As Dr. Waldstein

reminded us in his class lectures on the Theology of the Body (for week 11), John Chapter 4

and John 19 have many similarities and themes; they are in some sense both nuptial images.

They remind us that no one more than Christ sacrificed His body for his bride. An example

to follow and think over very thoroughly.

Not only Christ’s body, but our bodies, as well, are a Temple. “...our bodies are His

sacred temple, and we are called to worship him with our bodies (1Corinthians 6:19, Rom.

12:1). We worship him by self-giving love and generativity.” [xxxii] When we realize that our

body, too, is a temple of the Holy Spirit, we will wish to honor and not dishonor it through

sexual immorality, as St. Paul reminds us over and over.

Continuing our theme of truth, Dr. Schuchts teaches that: “Acting in accordance with the

truth of our sexuality requires a continuous and ongoing renunciation of the lies that we believe.

We renounce the world’s idolatry of the body, in favor of what St. John Paul II refers to as the

‘Theology of the Body.’ This begins with an understanding that God is at the center of our

sexuality.” [xxxiii] Carlisle describes it thus:” Through sex we discover the depths of our own soul,

as we experience profound oneness with another and a mysterious union with God as well. If we

allow it, sex is a powerful vehicle to love God and others as we love ourselves...with the many

distortions that can take place with a shallow sexuality, finding God through sex can seem rather

strange. But it is God who created sex. So, it only makes sense that we can find him

through it.” [xxxiv] It is only in the spousal meaning of the body, in this reciprocal giving between

spouses (or between a celibate and the Church they serve), that God can be found through the

body or through the proper use of sexuality.

All this is hard to accomplish without “witnesses.” We need people who model fidelity

and chastity in order for us to know how to walk this path ourselves. “In this sexually perverted

culture, it is often difficult to find exemplary witnesses who are living the truth in love... (yet)

As we have emphasized throughout this book, the members of the Holy Family are the ultimate

role models and community revealing the beauty and fulfillment of sexual integrity. Having

lived fully in obedience to God’s design, they lived the truth in love each moment of their lives

Their joyful witness and intercession prepares the way for each of us to find sexual freedom and

wholeness. Whether we are celibate, single, or married, we can all learn sexual integrity by

modeling after them. They reveal to us the fullness of the masculine and feminine genius as God

intended from creation.” [xxxv] Dr. Schuchts brings up a very valid point here, that as John Paul

has taught us, the spousal meaning of the body was built into Adam and Eve from the

very beginning, and we inherited it, sin or no sin. As I noted at the beginning of this document,

it was written into their very masculinity or femininity, and before original sin, they were able to

“read this speech” of the body without any shame, despite their nakedness.

Repentance is one key to finding the freedom of the spousal meaning. A person can

realize after genuine self-reflection that his or her disordered sexual choices have led to pain:

“But more damaging than our natural seasons of immaturity and growth, are our sexual sins.

Here we become divided men. Our actions are not consistent with who we want to be and

who we are trying to become, grieving our own spirit, not to mention God’s.” [xxxvi] Dr. Schuchts

reiterates this: “Genuine sexual freedom begins with repenting from our sin and disordered

beliefs. The word ‘repent’ is mentioned often in Jesus’ teaching and throughout the Bible. The

Greek word for ‘repent’ is metanoia. It means to ‘change your mind' or ‘change your direction.’

Repentance begins with a change in our beliefs about God, our self, and others, acknowledging

truth where we once believed identity lies. Repentance also involves a change in our direction.

We move from a stance of ungodly self-reliance with our backs toward God, and we turn toward

Him in humble submission (see Ezekiel 18:21-22)”. [xxxvii]

One last tool we can use is “renouncing” evil. “Evil rarely gains a hold in our minds and

hearts through force... Once we are deceived and seduced by temptations, we then make

agreement with demonic lies and evil choices. Renouncing is the way to free us from these

unconscious agreements so we can embrace truth and actively choose good over evil. In

renouncing, we verbally reject the lies, beliefs, and previous choices that have kept us bound.” [xxxviii]

So, we have seen that the spousal meaning of the body, to give in reciprocal service, as

one chosen by God for his own sake, gives us many tools to fight impurity and find freedom.

John Paul reminds us how St. Paul taught us the reason for our freedom: “...one must observe

that in all that is a manifestation of life and behavior according to the Spirit, Paul sees at the

same time the manifestation of that freedom for which Christ “has set us free (Galatians 5:1).

And so he writes ‘For you were called to freedom, brothers; only do not use your freedom as a

pretext for living according to the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law

finds its fullness in a single commandment: you shall love your neighbor as yourself (Galatians

5:13-14)”. [xxxix] I do not know if there is a better way to sum up this document.

The spousal meaning of the body, as St. John Paul II taught us, is one effective antidote

we can use in our battle with sexual sin. Avoiding a utilitarian viewpoint of “using others,” we

expose our sexual shame in healthy, safe groups, being aware that our body is a temple of the

Holy Spirit. Repentance and renouncing agreement with sin can help us to “serve one another in

love” (Galatians 5:14), and thus live out the spousal meaning of the body in our service to God

and man. May we fight the good fight every day.

[i] John Paul II, Man and Woman He Created Them (Boston, Ma: Pauline Books & Media, 2006), pg. 187.
[ii] ibid., pg. 170.
[iii] ibid, pg. 238.
[iv] ibid, pg. 350.
[v] Ronald and Patricia Potter-Efron, Letting Go of Shame (Hazelden: Center City, MN, 1989), pg. 132.
[vi] Karol Wojtyla, Love and Responsibility (Ignatius Press: San Francisco, 1993), p. 175.
[vii] Ronald and Patricia Potter-Efron, Letting Go of Shame, pg. 133.
[viii] ibid., pg. 136.
[ix] ibid, pg. 135.
[x] John Paul II, Man and Woman He Created Them, pg. 349.
[xi] Ronald and Pattricia Potter-Efron, Letting Go of Shame, pg. 200.
[xii] Karol Wojtyla, Love and Responsibility, pg. 192.
[xiii] ibid, pg. 193.
[xiv] ibid, pg. 174-175.
[xv] G. Corey Carlisle, Naked and Without Shame (Touchstone Ministries: Middletown, DE, 2023), pg. 19.
[xvi] Karol Wojtyla, Love and Responsibility, pg. 176.
[xvii] ibid, pg. 177.
[xviii] G. Corey Carlisle, Naked and Without Shame, pg. 19.
[xix] Karol Wojtyla, Love and Responsibility, pg., 35.
[xx] ibid, pg. 34-35.
[xxi] ibid, pg. 170-1.
[xxii] G. Corey Carlisle, Naked and Without Shame, pg. 38.
[xxiii] John Paul II, Love and Responsibility, pg. 38.
[xxiv] ibid, pg. 38.
[xxv] Bob Schuchts, Be Restored: Healing our Sexual Wounds through Jesus’ Merciful Love (Ave Maria Press: Notre Dame, IN, 2021), pg. 180.
[xxvi] John Paul II, Man and Woman He Created Them, pg. 358.
[xxvii] Bob Schuchts, Be Restored, pg. 180.
[xxviii] John Paul II, Love and Responsibility, pg. 178.
[xxix]Bob Schuchts, Be Restored, pg. 180.
[xxx] ibid, pg. 188.
[xxxi] ibid, pg. 189.
[xxxii] ibid, pg. 188.
[xxxiii] ibid, pg. 188.
[xxxiv] Carlisle, Naked and Without Shame, pg. 101.
[xxxv] Bob Schuchts, Be Restored, pg. 181.
[xxxvi] G. Corey Carlisle, Naked and Without Shame, pg. 149.
[xxxvii] Bob Schuchts, Be Restored, pg. 145-146.
[xxxviii] ibid, pg. 148.
[xxxix] John Paul II, Man and Woman He Created Them, pg. 338.