Humility Part II

This article is the second of a two part testimony on the importance of humility for a relationship with Jesus Christ in light of recent events in my own life.

The bitter pill of humility. As we have celebrate this Christmas season, we are called to contemplate the infant Christ in all His humility. Our Lord was born into a family that was poor, without proper shelter for an expectant mother and soon-to-be refugees due to the prospect of death in their native land; humility defined Our Lord’s life on Earth from the very beginning in the creche to the very end on the cross. The first Christmas was messy and difficult, but it was made sweet by Jesus, God-Incarnate.

Once I discerned out of the novitiate I had to start again, I needed to build myself back up. How easy it is to be built up with pride when living expenses are taken care of, when student loans are paid monthly, and your home is in the middle of the Santa Ynez Valley! It is so easy to grow lax in spiritual discipline in this environment. Once I was removed from this environment and back home in New York, the Lord gave me the bitter pill of humility to save me, to purify me.

It was not easy for me to come back home. Yes, I missed my family dearly and I certainly missed home. That being said, living at home is tough for someone who has spent most of his early 20s out of the house and employed with a clear goal for the future. I had to adjust to the fact that I don’t have it figured out, I am in need of gainful employment, my bills still need to be paid and my prayer life needs some serious work. This was made a bit more difficult when most of your peers seem to have it together; Johnny has this job and moved here, Billy is engaged to Sally, your younger cousin has a great job right out of college and your older cousin also has a great job--everyone seems to be following the path of respectability.

Instead of praying, I began comparing. ‘I need be there because Billy and I are the same age and he is there.’ ‘Everybody is doing this so I should be doing that because they are happy.’ Pride begins to take root all over the place. Anxiety, depression manifest themselves and soon bitterness and resentment. Fortunately, the Lord has put wonderful priests, religious and friends in my life and my family is, of course, the best family in the whole world; my support system is so vast and such a blessing. In the past, the blessings were sometimes taken for granted but now when I pray in thanksgiving to God for all that He has done for me, the prayer has taken on a more tangible reality in my life. Being one of four sons, I make it a point now to spend time with my brothers when I can and to enjoy my time with my family because soon life will bring us on different paths and such accessibility will become more limited.

The sad truth is that many of my peers may be living to the standards of the world, but interiorly Christ is not King of the hearts. They seem happy and many are materially doing OK but when interacting with them on a personal level, I can tell that there is an emptiness that only God can satisfy and that, if left empty, will lead to a life unfulfilled and without salvation. “Our hearts are restless until they rest in thee” says St. Augustine and how many today live as if God does not exist! The more I judged my value and worth by those standards, the more depressed and anxious I became because God has touched my heart and I cannot fight the Holy Spirit and believe that I will come out on top!

My time back has also rekindled my love for Holy Mass and the Eucharist and how fortunate I am to live in an area with many parishes and many opportunities to assist at the Divine Liturgy and to receive Our Lord. Not living down the hall from the Blessed Sacrament, I am grateful for the times that I can get to daily Mass and I try to maintain an inner disposition of thanksgiving throughout, especially after Holy Communion.

I have certainly made some mistakes since I have been back but I know that the Lord is purifying me. Just recently He allowed me to undergo another painful purification but one that I am grateful for because I immediately recognized the sanctifying effect that it is to have on my soul. After making a pilgrimage to the National Shrine of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel in Middletown, NY shortly after this event, I know that the Lord is guiding me to something spectacular. Keep me in your prayers. Perhaps in the not too distant future I will be able to say along with St. Francis of Assisi, “That which seemed to me bitter had become sweet.”