Transformation of Love in Marriage: The Spielmans

One of my favorite programs that I watch and record on cable tv is a biography series called, A Football Life. It is put out by the NFL (National Football League) channel. Usually each episode will cover the football career of either a player or coach from the NFL with many highlights and commentary about their participation in the NFL. There is always a biographical element which looks at their childhood and highschool and college experiences that shaped their love of the game. Unlike any other episode, season 2, episode 8, which aired Oct 30, 2012 and which covered the story of Chris Spielman took a surprising turn and focused on the Catholic Sacrament of Holy Matrimony and the grace of the sacrament. 

Chris and his wife Stephanie met at a high school dance as she was dancing with the cross-town rivals’ quarterback. Both raised Catholic, they were married in a Catholic Church in Ohio. Video clips of the service were shown in the episode. The exchange of vows, particularly the promise to stay faithful in love whether in good times or in bad, in sickness and in health, were shown followed by Chris recalling that he really meant it as a vow before God and witnesses.

The episode begins with laying the foundation of how committed Chris, and by extension Stephanie, to his football career. His whole life was a preparation for professional level success. Chris became one of the best linebackers during the 1990’s playing for the Detroit Lions and Buffalo bills.He and Stephanie had two children when they found out she had breast cancer. He volunteered to give up playing football for one whole season so that he could become her primary caretaker and the more active parent during her illness. He helped her through surgery, chemotherapy and nausea. This act of sacrifice really stands out given his intense love of the sport and his mad desire to be a superbowl champion.

While this program was not meant to be a catechesis on the sacrament of Holy Matrimony, I have never found a better short video of the transformation of love in marriage which is one of the chief spiritual effects of Holy Matrimony. As someone who teaches the sacraments and has been married for 25 years and also who has played and coached football for over 20 years, I found that this Football Life episode was perfect for using in my classroom.

The Spielman’s Love

Asked by a reporter if he'd consider a return to football late in the season, Spielman said, "I'd play in a heartbeat, but what kind of man would I be if I backed out on my word to her? I wouldn't be a man at all." No one doubted Spielman’s masculinity or his toughness, but by this act of compassion he truly demonstrated manly virtue by staying committed to his marital vows. Through the episode we see and hear Chris growing in Agape love while at the same time his natural love for Stephanie is becoming perfected and refined. After all, “This grace proper to the sacrament of Matrimony is intended to perfect the couple's love and to strengthen their indissoluble unity” (CCC 164). Where most people who marry these days seem to be unaware of the requirement of sacrifice and commitment that love demands, Chris as an excellent teammate, was trained and disciplined for this kind of response. He was able to answer Saint Paul who demanded that husbands love their wives as Christ loves the Church with one word, “yes!”. For Speilman love was primarily a decision not a feeling. Having said that their eros love was never diminished by the agapification of love. Rather, it was charged by grace as they continued to grow their family. They had two more children post-cancer.

The true gem within this episode is that we can see the Spielman's love for eachother transform from romantic love and friendship love to Christian Love. The wedding at Cana miraculous transformation of water to wine is a foretaste of what Christ wanted to do to love in the Spielman marriage and in all who are living out the sacrament.

Natural Love in Marriage

The natural loves are universal and engaged in by every human person to one degree or another. They are known by all cultures and all people. 

Philia love is also known as friendship love. Two people come together side by side and share as the object of their love a third thing, hobby or interest. This brotherly love is reciprocal. Each party only associates and engages in friendship, philia love if he is receiving from the other the same or close to the same level of love. 

Storge love is also known as family love. It is what C.S. Lewis calls a ‘need love’. Beginning with a parent's love for his or her child and then the child's love for the parents. Sibling love and even relationships with animals or objects can fall into this category. It is the most unconditional of the natural loves. For instance, we know from experience, a mother's love knows no bounds.

Eros love is also known as romantic love. C.S. Lewis describes this as the kind of love which is the least rational. It is feelings based. When someone uses the expression, 'falling in love' this is what they mean. A man and a woman who can't explain the attraction or the obsession not just with each other's physical attributes but with the person. Eros' deep desire is to keep thinking about the other as the object of their love. It can morph into a kind of obsession. It is reciprocal and ephemeral. It demands a mutual response from the other and when it doesn't receive eros love in return, it will fade away. No other type of love is written about in poetry or sung in music as much as eros love.

Christian Love 

Agape love stands apart and above the natural loves because it has a supernatural source. It is also known as Christian love. When we read in John's gospel that God is Love, agape is the word used. Not every person has participated in agape love but every person is loved by God. Jesus demonstrated the meaning of agape love par excellence in the passion and death on the cross. We are given the gift of agape love in baptism. Christians are given the capacity to receive and to give away this higher qualitative love.  The secret of the saints is that they grew in their capacity to receive agape love because they desired to give it away. They truly followed the Great Command, the law of love that Jesus gave to the rich young man. To Love God and love neighbor is a summation of the commandments as a whole. 

Agape love seeks the best interest of the other. It is not reciprocal because it is self-less rather than selfish. It is unconditional, and undeserved. This is the meaning of Jesus' command to love even our enemies. St. Paul gives the most sublime description of agape love in his first letter to the Corinthians. He says,  "Love (agape) is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails". 

Grace Perfects Nature

“Agape (Charity) upholds and purifies our human ability to love, and raises it to the supernatural perfection of divine love” (CCC 1827). When we live in Christ and abide in him, we become sanctified partly through the perfection and elevation of our natural love by this divine love. This process of the transformation of love might be called, 'agapification'. Jesus wants our puny human love to become agapified by his love. In the sacraments of service our human love becomes agapified and changed in our sacramental participation in the paschal mystery as well as in our own selfless, heroic suffering. When Jesus calls (vocare) us as his disciples to take up our cross he invites us to sanctification through agapification of our love. This then becomes the nucleus of our service-sacraments’ vocation whether in Holy Matrimony or Holy Orders.