Managing Disappointment

I got some pretty upsetting news last week. I won't be able to have my legal (but non-canonical) marriage blessed as soon as we had hoped. When my mother died, my teenaged brother went to live with our father, and he wasn't thriving. He then came to live with us, and there were a couple of bumps in the road in the past that came out during the Marriage Prep process. The Deacon at my parish thinks it would be a good idea for us to seek family counseling before we get our marriage convalidated. The time frame I was given was probably after Lent.

For someone who has been chomping at the bit to come back into the graces of the Church, this was an upsetting development. I'm sheepish to admit that I was frustrated when I was told. I was fuming when I sat with Jesus for my scheduled hour in Adoration. I couldn't think straight, but I kept chanting to myself "His time, not mine." My human nature kept getting the better of me though:

"Why must I go to family counseling when we have taken this emotionally damaged kid into our lives, and turned his life around? So many of my elders have told us what a good job we are doing!"

"We were under a counselor's care when this whole process started!"

"Most couples don't have to answer for their parenting skills in Prep, why do I?!"

"I really hope my salvation isn't at the mercy of convenience or a power trip."

That last thought sent me scurrying into Adoration to get a grip. My faith is in God. I can't scoff and turn away from the Church like I did so many years ago because I didn't get the result I wanted. If I did, I haven't really given my life to Jesus as I said I have. One thing was for certain, I needed help. So I went into Adoration and finally just laid it all at God's feet. In the silence, I remembered St. Therese's futile trip to Rome to get permission from the Pope to enter the convent at a young age. I pulled her autobiography and read again how frustrating it was for her, and her humiliation among the other pilgrims in her group as a result of her frustrated attempt. I knew she felt the same as I do, and she struggled with bitterness until she gave it all up to God. Again.

Isn't it a beautiful gift that God gives us? No matter how much we struggle, no matter how difficult we think something is to accept, we get to give it all to Him. Over and over again. While this isn't a moment I'm proud of, I'm determined to move on, and follow St. Therese's lessons: Obedience to the Church, and Faith in God's plan.

Jesus is showing me the way and I must follow. Nothing can stand in my way. Not even myself.