Did You Ever Wonder About Twins?
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“Owe nothing to anyone, except to love one another; for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.” (Romans 13:8)
As I reflect on all of the events in my life where I might’ve taken on more than was humanly possible, I think to myself…how did I do it? How did my family get through it?
It was easy: It was often done with a lot of love. Sacrifice and Love…it has a cost. The cost is high…look at what Jesus did on the Cross! We are called to no less…pick up our cross and follow Him. When our eyes are not on Him, that is when we get ourselves in over our heads. We all have ways to justify it. Sometimes, we just keep going and giving what He gives to us, we give to others. Whether that is our children, our spouse, or our neighbors…sometimes complete strangers.
Many years ago, my friend came with me to the hospital to spend the night so that my husband could go home. He slept and would connect with our other children, then return to the hospital. How did we make it through those days? What happened? As I look at things now…20 years later, I am amazed. Our friend sent her 18-year-old son to our home to stay overnight so an adult was in our space. She knew the rules, and laws and helped us be law abiding citizens when we were wondering if our daughter would live through the day. Care, concern, and genuine love for our family is what drove her…when we were naïve to the gravity of our situation. Her desire to follow Christ, and serving our family is what she did, and our family was one of thousands through the years.
I sat in the room of that friend, and others, who were going through miscarriage. Accepting the gift of life also means accepting its frailty. There is a time to live and a time to die…Ecclesiastes. There is no perfect. Pregnancy is not a baby waiting at the end guarantee. When I felt like a walking tomb, as the baby had no more heartbeat/ no blinking or whooshing to be seen or heard…had died, but not yet passed, and my hormone levels were not going up high enough, a friend came over with a shake. (A butter pecan shake, which was a tremendous comfort as that was my late Grandmother’s favorite ice-cream flavor.) Anyone who lives in Illinois knows you get Oberwies, it is absolutely the best…but there is a phrase: “Oberweis, overpriced” sung to the tune of Edelweis. At that point in my life, I think I drank a shake a year, or maybe less. The toughest part was I didn’t want anything unnatural. I felt so alone, and very ashamed for the feelings I had had the first week of the year. BUT, all of that was gone, and this wasn’t anyone’s fault. The doctor explained in most cases, it is a miracle when a baby survives. According to the doctor 50% of conceptions end up in some sort of natural miscarriage without birth control, most women have more severe cramping at the normal time and don’t even know. The anomaly, the real miracle is when the baby is born alive! This would’ve been baby number 5, Bernadette. But not in God’s will to remain with us living. I still loved her for every day she was with me, and we still did everything as carefully and safely as possible. We love life, from natural conception until natural death…nothing less…even if we can’t see or understand. My friend celebrated the life that I had carried and the body within mine. It was an odd time. I was grateful she stopped by and brought a double comfort…her presence, and her love remembering what my grandma’s favorite was!
Through the years, different friends and members of our family would assist at parties. One particular friend watched her Godson particularly, giving him talks and teaching him lessons. She was concerned for his safety as we were busy about many things with our guests and provisions. Another friend threw the Baptism party and her daughter and another cleaned the windows with brooms at the age of 3! The laughs we have had, and the fun that was in every aspect are indescribable. Planning and invitations by mail and by hand, were an emphatic must. But that time in my life is over.
For the first time in years, I went early, so a friend could rest. Then, spent a party trying to let my friend enjoy her guests and be the amazing mom she is. She has a 4-week-old to love and is so attentive to her children’s every need. Balancing an 19-month-old on a hip while offering drinks brought back many memories. Thinking of looking across the beautiful acre of my friends’ fenced in backyard, where her 2 swing sets were full of children, adults and children were in her massive above ground pool, and her husband was grilling away while our family and friends came and went throughout the day celebrating a completion of Baptism (after so many had prayed for the life of the one mentioned above who survived her heart surgery). I pushed my 3-year-old at the time in a baby swing. This friend knew I couldn’t handle throwing a party- not with the NG tubes and round the clock post operative care. BUT, she felt everyone who could - should celebrate this beautiful little life! She opened her heart and home in complete love to our family and insisted. The baby’s God parents, and their entire family came in from Montana, (or was it Wyoming?) My husband’s siblings came with children ready for a great party time. I remember one sister-in-law being amazed at the hospitality! Even my mother-in-law’s sister came down (from way up in Wisconsin) to attend. Everyone knew that this child had life and was ready to live each day abundantly! All I could say was, “Thank You, Jesus!” And “Jesus, I trust in You!” From Grandma's hand crocheted Baptismal Garment, hat and booties, to the community members and trumpeter for music at Mass and ceremony that followed, to the food and priest who came from Minnesota, we were surrounded by love and celebration. How many times, after did this friend make sure I rested.
I wasn’t promised a lot of time…not even the next moment or day with this child, nor any other. In reality, nobody is. But the community God surrounded us with, expressing their love through food, care for our other children throughout the years, help in sleepovers, and fun outings during the days, there were so many pouring out their love. Although we had done things, at this time, we couldn’t return the gifts of time nor service. We had given without counting cost, but this was an abundance. “If you do it for the least of these, you do it unto me.” So many people in expressing their love of God reached out to our children. I will never know all of the details, but I do know the ones that I set up and I am deeply grateful. Balancing any newborn with their needs is always an act of sacrifice on behalf of mother and the family. I remember thinking at the time, someday, I want to do what she has done for us. I felt so cared about and loved as my mom and her husband came and left, and my husband’s family was made to feel comfortable. I was so overwhelmed by their generosity and kindness. They were loving our whole family in a way that encompassed everyone without notice of anything else. It was a gift to be together. Presence allows for Love to be fostered, nurtured, and grown. Absorption on devices eats away at the fabric of the relationships of those in our immediate area…especially the children…presence is hard when there is competition.
Tonight, as I listened at the table of one who turned into an adult, I heard the conversation about hot and spicy food. Spicy and familiar smells of my childhood rose out of the pot brought by the Priest from India as he removed the lid on the stove that he had brought that tickled my heart. Certain things, when lived are touched upon by our senses in a way that our heads don’t always understand, but tonight, I was reminded of the tremendous love of our building in which I grew up in Chicagoland. Our condo had 36 units and our neighbors across the hall from India made the most incredible things that scented our floor often. If the person was Catholic or not, didn’t matter, as I felt the process of coming home often smelled of Indian spicey food. God sometimes touches our hearts in ways that we don’t understand and I am so grateful. Homecoming, having time with family at a table and love from neighbors. So many things to talk about, with this new adult on the horizon of life…and here we were discussing our own opinions. Picking up a few dishes trying to wash bigger things to help- we no longer have sippy cups or lids, tiny bowls or little cups. Not 9-14 cups in a drainer 4 times a day! It was such a joy to wash dishes and remember! I laughed with another friend in her kitchen, as we no longer have those bowls to bless our cabinets…it was delightful! My time is over with this, but it was a present of our friend to share her life with us. It was a gift to be Present to love the eldest child of my friend, as so many of my friends and family have done for my family throughout the years.
I stand- grateful. A mother who was helped through loving and mothering by many other mothers. Celebrating several lives and Baptisms because friends took the time to help me make things work out. Every life matters. Celebrating Birthdays are one way to acknowledge that, but honestly, reading a book to my god child today about Care Bears, made me smile. How many years have Care Bears been around, and we have needed having them to tell us stories to teach us lessons. The wisdom at the table was thick and deep. The children: 11 siblings and 2 friends stood amidst 9 adults being family and friends, not to mention one busy parish priest! How much love was there for this young person! Everyone sang the timeless song, and my eyes were filled with tears. Does she feel loved? Does she know to the core of who she is the sacrifices that have been made on her behalf? Will she ever know? God bless her!
When I look back, how many times were we surrounded by community members, family and friends? Every Sacrament! Every Birthday! Every fun event! And now, to just have our own family is such a big deal. LOVE: “Do little things with great love.” (Mother Teresa) Yes, and “Love begins at home.” To me, there is no greater gift than that of being surrounded on your birthday by family and friends. There are few gifts greater than the gift of presence. That is just so precious and dear. Even now, to not hear a child’s voice on their Birthday, literally tears at my heart.
With great faith, and tremendous hope that our young people need to embrace life and want to keep going…the most important of these, the most urgent of these, the most desperately needed of these…according to 1 Corinthians 13 is love!
“Love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” (1Cor 13). People fail, but God does not. If we are willing to accept what we need from others, He provides. Sometimes it looks different than what we think it should, and we harden our hearts, but with time and patience a lot can come. We make it through because we are loved. We made it through because of the Hope we had in the promises of God. He gave us people, friends, community members to meet the needs of our children and ourselves…some we didn’t even know we had! God provided then, and He provides now.
We trust in Him, and we believe, repeating the words of St. Faustina, “Jesus, I trust in You.” We continue to give everything to Him…and now, he can bless and love others through us. I get to help with the sweet child that I no longer have the same age of. It was 20 years of littles and now they are grown. Do they feel loved? Do they know how loved they are? Do they know how blessed they were through the years? By our own family? By grandparents? By Aunts, and Uncles? Cousins and Second Cousins? Neighbors, friends and teachers? Community and beyond? I look forward to the times when I can do more for others…like that of today. Just hanging out in the kitchen serving each person, trying to take the weight of life off a friend, just so they can enjoy the life in their arms, respond to the many needs around them and heal. Doing too much sometimes feels like the must, but doesn’t love ourselves and our children resent us when our bodies give out. We are human and have limitations. Accepting those and loving ourselves with them is a tough one. But I will leave that for another time.
All we need to do is love those in our lives….at our feet… with all of who we are in the moment…just be present. When invited to share in the joy of life with those around you… remember how sacred it is to pass into their family life and relations! Sacrifice and Love…
“And the greatest of these, is LOVE!” (1 Cor 13).
