The Redeeming Work of the Holidays

This work, family redemption, comes at a heavy price, often dipping into the pockets of what we thought family meant in the first place. In my early married years we would go to his parents house or mine. We would make the rounds. I would make a dish sometimes, but most of the time, we only brought ourselves, presents, and the one or two children that we had way back then. Those days seem like a lifetime ago. Really, it was about 8 lifetimes ago.

We can't make the rounds anymore physically. Winter means respiratory season. It is tough on our kids with lung disease. The change and all the unfamiliar people is tough on our kids in general. Truthfully, we are not invited anyhow. Having special needs kids earns our family, and many that I know, a ticket to a do-it-yourself holiday. Even families without special needs children are feeling the effects to some degree. Grown siblings are not close. Parents are divorced. Geographically, people are too spread out. Grandparents are still working full-time.

Family, as we are trying to live out, is not what it once was. I heard on the radio that the day before Thanksgiving is the busiest travel day of the year. It made my chest ache a little. We will not be traveling anywhere and no one will be traveling to us.
My children are surrounded by people who love them, including Doug and I, their long time nurses, care providers and therapists, but not extended family. This is not a slam on our extended family. We are a product of all of the things mentioned above. When adding special needs and profound medical issues into the fold, family members sometimes do not understand the needs of our children and how vehemently protective we have to be. Even to the family members that do understand, our tribe can be exhausting. Doug and I are blessed with family that love and support us, even from far away or only a day stolen away from work here or there.

We also have family that do not speak to us. That is heartbreaking. They do not know our children or get to see Doug as he lives and breaths life into these children. Doug was an atheist when we met. He is now the truest form of a Christian I could ever know. He lives Jesus, and that is a miracle to behold. They are missing it, and that is a tragedy. And so, under these circumstances, we construct ourselves what a family holiday is. We build from the ground up the memories that our children will have. Some of our kids come from places that do not know any family tradition, let alone the birth of Christ. Our holidays may not be filled with a large extended family, but they are filled to the brim with love. Building anything takes a lot of work, and family traditions are no exception. In fact, I think it is twice as difficult.
This is a truthful account as to why our work of family redemption is so needed, more evident, and at the same time, the most painful during the holidays. This month is supposed to be a time of family affirmation, but for many it is a stark reminder of the absence of it. Feelings of abandonment and loneliness can take over. I know these feelings well.

This post is for those families that are fighting hard to redeem traditions and build unity through eyes blurred with fatigue and worry.
I am writing to breathe hope into weary mamas, who, after a long night, wake up from a brief nap on the couch to put that ham in the oven. You, my soul sister, have more courage and fight in you for family than anybody on the planet. You are not alone, and I want you to realize what you are doing and why it is so hard.

First of all, you my friend, are doing the physical work of about a dozen people, at least. That is the first thing to know. So do not feel bad if you are tired. A couple times a year Doug and I leave for the weekend. We go to a cabin near us and we just watch movies, read, sit in the hot tub and relax. It is much needed. One of the benefits that I did not expect from our time away is that it reminds me of how much I do every single day. When we get back, I fly right back into constant motion and it can be very overwhelming for the first couple days. All of the tasks come right back into the picture, except one. In those couple days, I do not berate myself for being tired. I have an understanding of how much I actually do and how that would even make Wonder Woman tired. The time away also gives me a new appreciation for the need to rest, both mentally and physically. I am reminded what it feels like to be renewed and how important it really is. So you, mama, who are doing the work of mother, physical therapist, occupational therapist, speech therapist, nurse, receptionist, scheduler, case coordinator, treatment team, respiratory therapist, night shift worker, guardian of the immune system, seizure spotter, and most of all, redeemer of the family, please recognize that you do a whole lot everyday and you also need to rest. So, that is the physical part. Now comes the hard part.....

This heart work we do is one where we are reclaiming our children for good. Our children came to us because something somewhere did not go like it should; a single young mother did not have adequate supports or healthy relationships, drugs made decisions for her, she loved her baby but could not handle the medical care, she tried, but alas, the relentless words of the world won, telling her she was not good enough. We are redeeming and helping a wounded situation heal. Even if your kids are born of your own womb, we are beating back the tide that says to hurry, we are wrestling with materialism instead of togetherness, we are holding in check the swell that tells us that these little traditions are not important and they pile even more activity on our already broken down shoulders.

This post is for you, my strong and determined mamas. We will rise from the tasks that threaten to pull us under. We are redeeming for good our children. We are showing them, through repeating traditions, that our love through Christ is constant and dependable because He is constant and dependable. Our work is so hard because by baking that ham and making turkey hand print place mats we are living Christ through the heart lens of our children. We are building, brick by brick, a new tradition of redemption and sacred tradition. We are living Christ in our homes, which is the very core of our society and the center of our children's souls. So, do not feel discouraged. Know that sometimes, if we need to cry in the bathroom and then gather ourselves, that is ok, and you are not alone. Recognize that this work is a holy battle cry to win souls for the ultimate good. Showing Christ is never easy. Remember, he died, beat death back into the grave and rose from the depths to save us.
So now baking a ham after a sleepless night should look a little less daunting, especially knowing it is not about the ham, it is about our children's redemption, and ours.