Why I Am Not Thankful, because

There is a chair that every parent of a medically fragile child dreads. It is where you sit in a 8x8 room, waiting for the report from the surgeon. There is always a box of tissues on the coffee table beside the chair. As I sit in this horrible chair, I say thank you to Jesus. That's it. Just thank you. Just thank you with no "because." Right now there is a movement that is focused on being thankful, grateful, mindful, whatever you want to call it.

There are books, there are blogs and journals. Heck I even went to see Ann Voskamp speak. The books say basically the same thing, just re-frame; practice living gratitude. I even saw a post on Facebook something like this; I am thankful for messy floors because that means that my children are busy. I am thankful for laundry because that means we have nice clothes to wear. And on and on and on....I cringed when I saw it. What happens when you have no "because"? What happens when you can't make sense of one second of your pain, when your mind is cloudy with grief, worry and exhaustion? Some days, I have no "because." Some days, I just say thank you and move on. I am too tired to justify or qualify why I am thankful according to earthly goodness.

I cannot find a" because" in Sollie seizing or Aaron screaming. I have no "because" and I would not change that. Living in a realm that many times seems as though there is no "because" puts you in a state that demands a nervous breakdown or blazing faith. You have to choose. There is no room for the qualifying "because."

Suffering will end you or begin a new you. Living Eucharisteo, or a presence of gratitude, is not about a journal or a book or a blog. Those things help, and I personally adore Ann Voscamp, but those are merely the motions that help you get to a place of receiving grace. We humans need actions or traditions or sacraments in order to physically outwardly prepare our souls for a truly sacrificial Eucharisteo life, and in time, heaven. In my life, I rarely have a "because." I cannot think of a reason for some of the suffering that leaves my own soul exposed and convulsing while my child's body convulses to the same terrifying rhythm. I cannot utter because when I felt as though my heart stopped as Isaccs did, right under my pleading pounding hands. My mind is too small to comprehend it. I don't want to comprehend it. I am too small for understanding because I am bound by my living this life on this earth.

I have limitations. I am a mere human. I am not made to comprehend it. Enter grace and redemption. I am made for both of those. I do not intellectually understand it, but I know it. I live it. I depend on it being there. I depend on Jesus, my Christ, being present. We would not need faith if we understood. We would not need God if we understood. God does not need to be understood. He wants to be chosen, according to our free will. Suffering happens as the result of sin entering the world and our free will to choose it. It is not fair, or logical or merciful. I do not want to know such things. I prefer to live, and I have no idea how people live without, the opposite of all of those things, Christ. He chose to suffer, in order to love us fully and get us to heaven. I choose to suffer in order to love my children fully and get them to heaven. I offer it to Christ as a living thank you. No because needed.