Love Wins

Love Wins. It’s the statement that recently echoed across Facebook; the hashtag that took Twitter by storm; the word art that has accompanied countless rainbow-streaked profile pictures. After the historic Supreme Court ruling this summer, this phrase has been shouted and proclaimed by nearly every walk of life across the United States, from the lowly activist to the President himself. It is a simple expression that evokes a powerful image: despite impossible odds, an uphill struggle, and a merciless adversary, love has emerged triumphant from the carnage. Love did win, just as it did every day before the ruling and just as it will every day after. We live in a universe that has been loved into existence. Nothing in it ultimately makes any sense except when placed in the context of love. How can a force like that lose?

To the people that I know who experience same-sex attraction (and to anyone for that matter), I ask forgiveness if I have ever treated you or responded to you with anything less than the tremendous dignity and respect that every last human being is entitled to. None of us are capable of loving perfectly, especially myself, and while it is a trait that all should strive towards, our love toward others shall never be truly perfected in this lifetime. I ask for your prayers and assistance while offering you mine as together we struggle towards the ideal of perfect love.

But what is love? “Love” has become a word, especially in the English language, that has taken on a multitude of different meanings. The same word that is used to express our admiration of a particular song or a comfortable atmosphere is also used to describe the motivations behind some of our deepest acts of self-sacrifice and everything in between. In my high school morality class, I was given a phrase to memorize: “Love is not a feeling. Love is an act of the will. Love takes over when the beloved is no longer even likeable.” Another definition that I have commonly been exposed to while studying my faith is that to love is “to will the good of the other.” These definitions of love have enormous implications. They challenge us to look outside of ourselves and our immediate wants and needs and to instead look towards and address the needs of those around us. It requires us to serve rather than to be served.

This very challenge of self-giving is something that all of mankind is called towards. Giving and receiving this form of radical love is ingrained into the design of our very being, regardless of race, religion, culture, or sexual orientation, and its existence is absolutely critical for any healthy relationship. However, while this selfless exchange of love is unquestionably critical for the success of any marriage, it is not the sole requirement. It is not a question of whether or not two men or two women can vow to dedicate their lives to serving each other. On the contrary, I find any relationship involving persons living in truly loving (again, actively willing the good of the other) fellowship for each other as a source of beauty and hope. It cannot be denied, however, that the relationship between a man and a woman has the potential to create something that same-sex couples biologically cannot: a human life. Because of this capability, a union between members of the same sex is incapable of being intrinsically equivalent to a marriage between a man and a woman. This is not to say that individuals in same-sex relationships deserve less dignity and respect than those in heterosexual ones, or vice versa. Nothing could be further from the truth. But the ability to bring forth life into the world comes with an enormous responsibility: raising and nurturing that progeny.

Research done by the American College of Pediatrics has shown that children are offered the greatest chance at thriving in society if they grow up under the care of both a mother and a father that live together. Children more than anyone else are victims of circumstance, and with our society’s concern about leveling the playing field to give everyone the greatest chance at success (a merit that I am not disputing), should the same not apply to children? Again, I am in no way saying that children raised in divorced, single-parent, or same-sex families or their parents deserve any less respect or honor that their human identity demands. Nor am I saying that those same children or their parents are incapable of leading full, happy lives, or that a couple automatically becomes perfect parents simply by virtue of their heterosexuality and commitment to each other. Raising children is an exhausting endeavor that no one in history has ever done 100% perfectly (except perhaps for our Blessed Mother). But by the time, and in fact long after, a child reaches maturity and enters into that zoo we call “the real world,” study after study reaches the same conclusion: happy, successful, harmonious adults tend to have had during their childhood a mother and a father that stayed together.

Marriage is for families, and a family can be seen as the basic unit of a society. Every civilization has established this relationship between family and society, and in every civilization, marriage between a man and a woman has been held in a regard different than any other relationship, in part to emphasize the commitment and responsibility that the couple owes to any children that they may have. I understand that saying that marriage is intended for children and families will undoubtedly strike a nerve with those who are reading this that are married or are in serious relationships with the hope of marriage, but have no desire for children. Please do not for a second think that I am writing this out of hate or as condemnation. Your commitment to sacrificing yourself for the good of another is something that is beautifully awe-inspiring and an opportunity that I can only continue to hope for at the moment. And to those who are married or desire children within a marriage, but experience heartbreaking infertility, in no way am I trying to say that the quality of a marriage is or will be degraded because of this tragedy. But just as various tools are used for specific purposes, so it is with marriage, and this purpose must be considered before a relationship can receive that distinction. Saying that raising children is the only thing involved in a marriage would be a catastrophic oversimplification. Each day requires a couple to renew their commitment of total self-giving to the other. But particularly with sexually active heterosexual couples, that potential of bringing forth life will always exist (even sometimes for couples medically determined to be sterile), and should that potential come to fulfillment, a strong marriage between a man and a woman will give that child the greatest advantage in its life to come.

As I write this, I understand that what I have written may make people angry. I understand that there is the possibility that I may lose some friends, perhaps even some of those that are dearest to me. But I write these words out of a conviction not only to defend my beliefs, but to try and share with you the infinite beauty that I find in them. I believe that each and every person has the desire to love and be loved in return; that “love” is a gift of the self for the good of the other, and that this gift can be shared with anyone, regardless of race, religion, culture, or sex; that, while this type of love is necessary for any relationship, marriage is and can only be between a man and a woman because of this union’s unique capability; that the sexes, male and female, while equal in dignity because of their mutual human identity, do, in fact, differ from each other, not in a way that pits one against the other, but as complements to each other; and that this complementarity ultimately gives children the best possible future. Again, my intent for writing this was never to pass judgement that I have no right to administer. I only hope that this may be a medium for respectful debate; that perhaps some level of the splendor that I find in what my faith teaches be conveyed, or at least that the perspective be understood more fully; and that I be given the opportunity and grace to live the kind of love that I tried to speak so highly of.