Hope Against The Dark

I have been weak, I know this. To some extent, we all are. What man can say he has actualized his full potential on his own? Only God can actualize it in him, if man will give up himself, his fears, his insecurity, his worldliness. But this is the struggle, the battle we all face. We don't want to give up our lives, we are like clinging koala, sticky insects who can't rid ourselves of, well, ourselves. I'm not saying humans are inherently evil, I'm only saying we can't actualize the fullness of who we truly are, without sacrifice.

I have yet to really make that sacrifice, and worse, I don't even know what that sacrifice is. I can articulate these things, ponder them in my heart, but what does it look like to live it? What does it really look like to give up myself. Christ told men to sell everything they have, shed worldly things. But all I've built for myself are these worldly things. It's a never-ending cycle, and quite frankly seems depressing. But what breaks this cycle? Hope. Hope of something more, by having less. Hope of freedom, and weight off the shoulders, flying again.

Slowly I am realizing, all I really have is hope. Along with faith, and last but not least (and actually the greatest, according to St. Paul), love. Why can I so easily conceptualize these things, without much successful execution? What am I lacking? I know my emotional self is extremely broken, but where did I go wrong? Sure, there's the obvious points about how I was raised in a compartmentalized household. Led to believe problems didn't exist, and when they did, it wasn't discussed until absolutely necessary, then everything blew up, left a mess, and was just swept under the rug, swallowed. I tucked things into corners, I built walls, I defend those walls with my rational mind. But when does the truth come breaking through those doors? When I least expect it, but it sure as heck comes.

Life has blindsided me, yes, but I knew, in a compartment somewhere, behind a heavily guarded wall, locked in a safe, that my past sins might come back to haunt me. I had not yet paid a price, I had only begun to pay, but I wasn't ready to give up my whole checking account. God is asking for my checking, savings, and any credit line I might have. I owe him a debt, and I'm paying him back now, signed up for the life-term payment plan. That is, life on HIS terms. And he is Mercy itself.

We have been called to suffer, called to struggle with emotional pain, pain that may have existed for many years, and gone unnoticed. So fragile, but I see strength in our struggle. It is a paradoxical cycle: "The more I give up myself, the more I am myself, and the more others really see me, who I was trying not to be".

God, help us. I pray that we can keep seeking peace, and with our eyes fixed on Him, Your Son, be able to walk on water amongst the storm; to hope against the dark.