Stop Trying to Kill Me!

I am experiencing one more time—someone having to counsel me about – don’t be too loud, slow down and be more careful. One more time then, this anger, hurt and resentment rises up. Why do I react this way Lord? After a few days of going through the back and forth of trying to understand, trying to just say ‘let it be;’ and trying to have the attitude of submissive servant, humble and responding in the way a follower of Christ would—a light bulb goes off in my spirit. Out of the blue, I say out loud—“Stop trying to kill me!!”

All of my life it seems, someone has tried to keep me ‘behaving—and doing things correctly.’ Parents, siblings, school teachers and peers, then later it would be those who train me and supervisors at work. That is the job of those over us; but if the balance of teaching is more of a negative critical correction then an encouraging and positive praising appreciation of your talent, skills, loving spirit—then within each person will rise up the angry, resentful, frustrated spirit who rebels and cries out ‘I am’ and please see the beautiful person that I am!!’

I was spoiled, the least of eight and therefore a strong, loud, extrovert personality developed. But I was also intelligent, very talented leaning to the very creative side. Too often the misbehaving angry child took over the other sweet, creative, loving talented child. So much so that the inner battle continues within my spirit that will always be fueled by the voices speaking to me in a loving, helpful –‘we need to talk’ attitude. Their intentions are good, they love me, and want to make me more of an ‘acceptable person’ who can be more fruitful and productive and in their eyes; more at peace and happy. They want me to be someone that 'attracts'--not 'attacks.' However, all too often, I am hearing/perceiving the words ---“You are no good—something is wrong with you—stop acting that way!”

Meanwhile, because of the need to see the root of the true problem of the still wounded child deep within the spirit—God has to allowed the triggers, patiently waiting for me to realize that the hurt rising up is a strong indication that the wounds are still there. He wants me to see, that I need to be healed of the past rejections and critical non acceptance of those who were so important in my life. They were not mean or meant to give the message of ‘something is wrong with you—your behavior is not appropriate or acceptable and it must be fixed; or you must change if you want to be a part of the group. They loved me and thought they were doing what good parents/teachers/friends were supposed to do. Train you in the way you were supposed to grow. Basically however, by the imperfect way they were trained too.

Why is this so important for this healing and wisdom to come now? We experience all we do to grow in wisdom and grace. We want to truly be a vessel that is able to help others in the same situation. For some reason children, adolescents are being drawn into cults, Isis is able to recruit the vulnerable, and gangs are ‘family’ for who 'wounded' feel comfortable and accepted by. Only this is not the healthy, loving, understanding family and support group they need. It is so very important that ---we the ‘Christian/Catholic Family of God—need to have our eyes and hears opened to how we are not really loving each other and continue to be part of the ‘killing’ process. Our lack of love and understanding is continuing to send these wounded spirits to those who will manipulate and use them for their evil agenda.

This is why in this day and age it is so important we be obedient to the last commandment Jesus gave. “Love one another as I have loved you.” We must see in each other our own wounded past and respond with Love that is understanding, patient, kind, not rude, not judging, accepting—all the descriptions of Love found in 1 Corinthians chapter 13. V 4 ^* Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, [love] is not pompous, it is not inflated, 5 it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, 6 it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. 7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8^* Love never fails

I thank you Lord for this insight, and for the grace to begin to love myself ---the wonderful awesome person that I am, and allow that person to live under Your teachings and control. I thank you for bringing me to the cross, and showing me how I must die to that self controlling ego within.

It is no wonder I have been so angry—angry with others and myself. All these years—just trying to be alive! I know that this is ‘you’ too. Wounded and rejected—we pass on what we have been trained and taught to do. Die already—change, become appropriate and acceptable!! Well, it is time to die alright—die to the self controlling emotions of the past and live in Christ’s love—passing His example of loving on to all others. Forgive those who have hurt you, and ask forgiveness too, of those who you have unintentionally hurt as you passed on ‘good intentional corrections.’ It is time to truly want to be a channel of God’s Peace.